Anxiety to the core

One thing is to have great plans about doing something. I slept more today than I planned for, and suddenly the whole morning was gone. I had sun in my face instead of cleaning and having witchy fun.

That is for tomorrow, yes, the novel must wait two more days, I need to create and enjoy a beautiful ritual first. Today, I made my anxiety tree for my counselor.

At the core of the tree, the roots, I have written the following sentences:

A tough life where I have met many different people in different situations that often went wrong, and the higher up in society, the worse.

Inner insecurity, not grounded in reality.

My body´s reaction to those things that my mind won´t remember.

My physical symptoms of anxiety are (the trunk of the tree):

Sweating, heart palpitations, strong feeling of discomfort (the-just-want-to-run-away feeling), stomach issues, mental tiredness (physical pain is more present), lack of concentration, physical tiredness (especially after an anxiety attack), inner turmoil and shaking, headache, nausea.

My psychological symptoms of anxiety are (the lower part of the treetop):

Inner turmoil and involuntary restlessness, the flight-reaction (isolation), the fight-reaction (taking in too many tasks and not listening to Self).

My internal impressions are a mind in constant state of alert and a feeling of déja vu (the human factor on the loose). My external impressions are e.g. sudden loud noises and a lot of activity going on around me.

Together this makes the following anxiety triggers (the higher part of the treetop):

Unexpected things (here-and-now decisions), the behavior of other people (especially if risky), stress and turmoil from outer factors, unpredictability in general, when it is impossible to divert myself in time to avoid an attack, when I don´t spot the early signs of an attack. The first three releases the anxiety, the last three amplify the size of the attack.

That is my anxiety to the core. Easy enough to write down, however living well with it is another matter.

And there´s only one way for me to handle that. And that is to work hard every day for the rest of my life to avoid as many attacks as possible. Every time it is a major victory to me.

Today, I will carry my three filled ring binders, my Book of Shadows, as it looks now, to my creative den. Prepare a welcoming and inspiring atmosphere by using some of my good stuff from the witch´s den.

Tomorrow, I will clean and recharge my witch´s den beginning right after my morning coffee and morning singalong.

And Tuesday, I will celebrate life with a beautiful ritual. Where the little details are both visual and chosen with great care. Wednesday, it´s novel time.

This time, I know I can handle making and keeping plans. I´m much better today, and I think I will place my anxiety tree close to me wherever I work and have fun.

Just by looking at it for a few seconds fills me with a strong fighting spirit. I will conquer this annoying anxiety today and whenever it may try to ruin my days.

I will show the tree to my family and friends. Sometimes the written word speaks more than speech itself. And it is difficult to tell about anxiety, especially if there is no apparent reason for it to happen.

It is even more difficult for relatives and friends to handle anxiety attacks in loved ones. Therefore, I need to tell them what´s going on inside me and what I need to control an attack.

Depending on the strength of an attack, I usually seek solitude, until it has passed. When it is very strong, I use prescription medicine that has full effect after a couple of minutes where I primarily focus on calming my breath.

When I have an attack outside my safe haven here, I either leave as soon as possible or work with my breath when I´m e.g. at the cash register in our local shop.

They know me there, so I´m usually free from attacks when inside the shop. Then the reaction typically comes on the way home instead.

So social distancing isn´t new to me. The circumstances, however, could be better though. It feels like living in a bad dream that is impossible to wake peacefully up from.

I divert myself again and again. I just turned off the TV and now enjoy listening to loud music in my earplugs so that my husband and the little wise, old dog can enjoy their afternoon nap in peace.

Soon, we will take the dog for the daily walk, and today I have decided not to let myself divert by the behavior of other people. I will keep my distance and be polite, if someone says hi bypassing.

But I will enjoy nature, the dog reading his kind of news, and the more than fair weather. And I´ll walk with my peace stone in rose quartz to touch if I should feel uncomfortable during the walk.

It was a good walk. But there were way too many people around my usual bench, so I moved to another bench while waiting for my husband to shop. The little wise, old dog and my stone diverted most of the anxiety signs.

Yet, I need to completely relax and calm my breath. People are getting more careless than I like to see and hear. We cannot afford to be careless during a pandemic era like this.

I sat in the sun for about half an hour and just enjoyed the warm rays in my face. Talked about this and that with my husband, listened to the kids playing outside, and felt happy about the beauty of the garden.

Beyond my garden back door lies the world outside. Inside here, there is peace and inner calm. A movie on TV, music in my ears, and fresh coffee in my cup. Anxiety to the core, director´s cut.

For right now, the winner is me. It is a snapshot in time, a close-up, a feeling described in words. With color and vivid imagination. And, backed up by real life experiences in real time.

It could only be more live with a camera, but I prefer to write with a pen name. My personal life begins at the threshold to my home, and that is a definitive decision.

I´ve seen a lot of certain parts of the human world. I have a strong need for privacy and personal space by nature. So getting older also means the possibility to actively pursue social distancing. In the physical meaning of the word.

And in general, because I have seen and heard more than enough of exciting, crazy, and stressful events. Today, I listen to my body, and I know that I have to take extremely good care of myself, especially mentally.

That does not mean that I´m not into social matters. I just prefer the ones where there are only a few people physically around me. And the online conversations that can mean a world of difference on a truly bad day.

As can my family and my friends. Living in a rainbow family and extending it to my online friends and followers is enough to me.

May your week be blessed with happiness, inner peace, good health, and kindness, dear readers and followers.

As the quote goes (author unknown to me):

“Happiness is the new rich. Inner peace is the new success. Health is the new wealth. Kindness is the new cool.”

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