Plans and reality

Setting goals and making plans are necessary to add a certain structure and routines to one´s daily life. But these goals and plans have to be flexible at my space on planet Earth.

Because I never know whether I will be be able to complete a task or not. before it is done. Like today, where I took care of the laundry and had one good phone call and one that easily could have been better.

My father has been to town in bus, although everybody recommend not doing exactly that. He can even get help to buy his necessities, but he is stubborn and apparently believe he is invincible.

I have decided to only say well, that´s his problem, not mine. And I have also decided not to feel sad or upset about it. I can´t do anything anyway to make him understand the danger for himself and others.

My father is a narcissist, and I´m through trying to play his game. I love him deeply, but he can be such an egoist at times. So, now I´m prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.

The other call with my counselor was very welcome, and I´m so lucky that he will call me again on Friday. It is truly reassuring, and I know now that I´m on the right track concerning my anxiety.

But my writing plan was disrupted by a severe feeling of being mentally tired after the phone call with my father. Therefore, I allowed myself a longer nap and put the writing on hold for tomorrow.

Reality for me is that I often have to reconsider plans and goals, also when breaking them down to smaller tasks. As I did today at the same time as I am fighting a lot of physical pain on top of my depression.

Tomorrow, however, are completely free of any other plans than writing. After my morning coffee and a morning walk with the little wise, old dog, it is time to take a close-up look at my novel again.

I can feel that there are words building in my mind. And by waiting just another day, I have an inner gut feeling that it will be so much better than it would have been today.

Had it not been for a necessary inner showdown to help me stop worrying so much about my stubborn and self-absorbed father. He just won´t listen to common sense, and his way is the only way.

But not this time, I´m taking no more bullshit, pardon my French. My mother was also stubborn and waited until it was too late to let anyone know that she was seriously ill.

My inheritance was a big debt, and my father will also leave me a big debt. But I said no thanks. My husband and I have done more than enough to assist my father after my mother´s death.

Let him be stubborn and egoistical, it´s for time to decide what this will end up in. I´m not tolerating neither their debt or their egoistical behavior, although I´m speaking about my relationship to my parents.

It is not going to be an issue in my new life here. But, of course, it saddens me and it´s deeply annoying. It is no excuse that it is in the family, for people need to treat each other with respect and decency.

I try to remember the positive memories, but it takes time, for parental trouble takes it toll on the children too. Reality is that my parents always have done what they wanted, with no care for the opinion of others.

No, I´m not letting this pollute the good atmosphere here. So tonight, I try to relax and prepare myself for something so much better, my writing. There I have the upper hand, there I feel at home, there I know my way.

Plans and reality may collide often in my life, but I always try to make my plans realistic due to my physical and mental ailments. And when I get tired of myself, I usually accomplish them best.

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