Where the anxiety rules my world. Where the best I can do is to stay at home, inside most of the day, wearing a simple housecoat over casual clothes. And where everything feels like riding a roller coaster on the loose.
The ups are fewer than the downs, and I so intense hate this creepy feeling as if were a cloak silently surrounding me and swept tight around me in a quick, sharp, and extremely uncomfortable way.
Especially when my mood has changed into the faster and more creative phase.
Then it is one of those days.
Where I use the whole day to try to touch the better me. So that my anxiety level for the evening is under appropriate control by me rather than racing thoughts, physical shaking, and hypersensitivity to sounds and light.
I have been outside with the little wise, old dog twice today, but I stayed outside our local shop. More people, more going on, more movement.
Too many things to sort out to be able to sit on a bench and enjoy the sun. But I managed it, and I have just enjoyed a bonfire in the garden with my husband at my side.
Now, he´s taking a long hot bath, the dog and the cats are all around me, and I think back to a couple of hours with a fine little girl who is writing and drawing her first books.
She is seven years old.
She can read now. The next step is to learn to write. We have spent countless hours studying homework for a year now. What a privilege to be lucky enough to teach what life has taught me.
Always be true to yourself. Always keep on getting back on the feet after being down, and always see the world through a positive outlook.
I cherish my settings, moods, and even anxiety, when after a long day, finally, it all calms down mentally. It is a true moment of inner peace, immediate relaxation, and absolute freedom from anxiety.
Now, there is no signs of anxiety, I´m no longer tense and sensitive, and a day filled with little attempts to annoy me has become early evening.
Now, I´m able to do what anxiety has kept me from today.
Yes, it is one of those days where it could have been better, but everything is okay, nothing is wrong, it is just me trying to adapt to a changed world. I see people different now.
I watch the news, sigh, and try to live my life the best possible way. Today has been a day with self-care, contemplation, and a constant search for this feeling of quiet calm that is in my body, mind, and soul as I write this.
The outside world must take care of itself for now. For a few hours, I will work with some old and some new witchcraft notes. Early tomorrow, I will enjoy the beauty of the garden, the inner yard behind our house.
Then it is time for yet another counseling call. We will talk about how the coming visits will have to be regarding safety and responsibility. And I will tell my counselor that I´m grateful for the possibility of getting help.
It is not to be taken for granted, and right now, worldwide, my thoughts go to those who are anxiety warriors like me. It is one of those days where it is okay to be brutally honest about the fears behind the anxiety.
End of rant.