Day: November 25, 2019

When things happen …

… drizzling rain on a gray and tense November day and the sound of epic orchestral music makes me think and wonder.

My mood is a strange mixture of nostalgia, high spirit, and quiet worry. I´m waiting for questions to be answered. I´m waiting for the big unknown. I´m waiting for something I fear more than anything.

My husband may be very ill, or he may have to undergo some temporary treatment for the better, but we fear the worst when it comes to our loved ones.

Today´s theme is not about this, for we try not to think so much about it. There´s a little more than a week left to think, worry and fear.

It´s not my favorite ticking clock at all. But in real life things happen. And they happen, while you´re busy doing anything but thinking about changes.

The only constant we need to consider besides fear. To fight or flight, and to change no matter what. To adapt to the current situation, to accept what you cannot change, and to change what you cannot accept.

So today, I´m serious about life. Yet with a positive outlook, I believe things happen for a reason. That things happen whatever we do. Sometimes, it is just the way it is.

As a writer, the show must go on, however. It is also necessary to keep my thoughts busy creating words worth reading.

This natural tension is unintended. Today, I will write my heart out, and it may thrill, it may evoke icy movements down the spine, and it may be my first attempt to experiment with some of the many techniques and guidelines that the genre psychological thriller demands.

I write best under a certain amount of pressure. But real life is about living under constant pressure. And I live with a new friend of mine, name bipolar disorder. We became friends this fall, but that doesn´t mean that I trust this new friend more than I have to.

It´s under strict control, as it should be, and it has been liberating to let go of the fear of it. Now, I know what I´m dealing with, what it takes to get a good life despite it, and what consequences are if I try to escape it again.

It has taken me more than two and a half years to recover this time. Yes, I was born with it. But in those old days, nobody knew. My acceptance came with the way I went to the hospital. It took three attempts where we thought it was my heart that needed care and treatment before I managed to pull myself together and ask for the right help.

A week´s stay in a hospital where there is a crisis to resolve. And a journey to embark on that feels like a roller coaster on the loose.

Now, I save my tears for the time when they are needed. That time may come soon enough, so I try to smile, although today feels like a trip uphill.

Writing plays a major role in my new friendship. As do witchcraft. No matter how high or low a day might be, there is always the writing and a ritual to turn to. It keeps my mind busy, and it draws focus to anything but disorders and other ailments.

It´s better to try to build up a friendship with things as they happen. Being enemies won´t help anything. But complete trust is not the issue here. I only trust it to remain calm as long as I do my work and take good care of myself.

So, how do I get through today with this silent yet roaring fear of mine, lying there all coiled up as if just waiting for the right moment to hit me straight in the heart?

The only snakes here are those we built out of fear. Should I flee or should I fight? I have tried both, and only the fight was worth the troubles. I will also fight this, one step at a time, one hour at a time. Counting down, tick-tock.

I will fight that fear today by taking the little old, wise dog on a long walk with one of my friends for life and cry my heart out. I have fought all my life, I really don´t need this. Tears on the keyboard, need a break, will be right back …

… sorry, dear readers, real-life became very real for a moment. I´m okay, on the outside. Inside is a serious cloudburst of held back tears. Nobody wants to show their vulnerability. And I need to be strong for the sake of my husband and myself.

Once again, my life is changed. We know there´s something going on, otherwise, the hospital would not want to see my husband. The issue is therefore only what it is and what it is not.

It haunts me, I shiver from its coldness, and it makes me want to cry “Stop” to the world. But I know that it is something that we have to face together. That thought is comforting, together.

He is the love of my life. I don´t know what I should do, if … No, I must think positive. The thoughts of mine are crashing in on me like the waves of the ocean hammering into the beach.

The weather does not make anything better today. Getting tired of all this grayish stuff, the icy watery cold, this threatening unknown.

But I´m a born fighter. I won´t and I can´t flee from this. So be it, we´ll fight back with all we´ve got in hand. And then some more. This is only the beginning of something new. something different, something unknown.

Seems like today´s post is about life when it is raw and unpolished. But it is okay to have days like this. And it is also okay for a writer to be personal, direct, and authentic.

And we have to change …

… whether we like it or not. I comfort myself with the thought of our love for each other. It is forever, it is true, it is genuine. And we have been through so much already that we also will conquer this.

Changing the subject, I´m almost through my second month of research for my novel. I´m beginning to feel the story evolve and gain momentum. Now the general part of learning from other authors is leaping into the next phase, research the details.

At the moment, my focus is on the setting and the raw character sketches. I´m also thinking a lot about what themes I would like to include in my novel. It is going to sting, it is going to hurt, it is going to be thrill after thrill.

I have tried to work with a little dialog in my novel. It was fun, however difficult. It is so easy to make mistakes here, so I´m very careful to think more than twice before I write a conversation between my characters.

My notes are growing in size and content. I need to study for one more month before testing the different techniques that I´m getting to know, a little more for every day. In the one-woman writing course that I have designed for myself, there is time to practice, to make mistakes, to learn from them.

My daily writing habit is already an indispensable routine. I begin with the morning coffee and the walk with the little wise, old dog. Then I lit tea light candles and put the central heating on. When I open the laptop and begin writing, it feels like coming home mentally.

Before I know of it, I have worked for a couple of hours. Then it is time for a longer lunch break with my husband and my daily chores. After that, writing until around four in the afternoon. And last, but not least, my evening notes in the living room with my family close by.

My decision about writing a novel changes my life. Gradually, the story comes alive and wants to be written by me. But I wait for I have absolutely no hurry. I would rather spend countless hours and numerous writing sessions preparing the work properly than deliver a pile of bullshit.

For now, it is afternoon coffee time. And after that homework with a seven-year-old who for a while will still my thoughts with her contagious smile and laughter.

Fortunately, we have some basic routines to turn to when life plays rough. Fortunately, we have close friends to talk with. Fortunately, we have a stable and good life.

We will beat this too, I know we will. As the clock keeps ticking, tick-tock, my inner feelings are upset. This is the love of my life, this is too close up, this is anything but fair. Life isn´t fair, I know it, but it knows when to strike.

When you are least prepared for it, it will grab you by the heart and threaten to dismantle your world. When life itself becomes an antagonist, there is something going on. The pain of it all is to wait for the answer to the question we don´t dare to ask just yet.

I wish that I could take it upon myself, that this gut-wrenching waiting period was over. Not knowing what´s going on is dreadful. I can take a lot of bullshit coming my way, but not when it comes to my loved ones. Then I feel lost.

At the same time, I need to be strong and able to cope with whatever life throws at me. Right now, I don´t know where to find such a strength. It will show up, as it always does when things happen. But the waiting process is mean.

So please, dear Universe, help me aid my husband in this difficult time of our life. Let him be safe, let it be something less severe than we both fear, let his recovery be fast and without too much discomfort.

Give us peace of mind. So Mote It Be.

So the theme for today became real-life issues close up. Not exactly what I had prepared for, but writing about it helps. It´s just one of these days, where everything seems out of order, where nothing goes as planned, where the thoughts need to be set free.

But, then again, if you want to write about what hurts in life, you might as well speak from experience. And my novel ain´t going to be for the faint-hearted. On the contrary, it´s going to be a rough ride, to be unpleasant and frightening, and to be scary as hell.

For it is a scary ride, to ride with a roller coaster on the loose. I know that I can write that novel when I prepare myself thoroughly. And it might be a good companion along this unknown path we are about to follow here.

It keeps my mind busy being creative rather than to think the unthinkable things. It underlines the seriousness of life as it is when nothing is left to be said. We have been through a couple of those strong conversations before where even the unspoken hurts and aches.

But this time is different. Now it is not between us but ahead of us. Counting down until Tuesday, December 2, 2019 … the clock is ticking, tick-tock …

… I´m sorry, dear readers, but today has been tough to deal with. I needed to vent a little, I needed to tell about my feelings about this big unknown, we´re facing here.

The world can take care of itself today. I will go to my husband and just hug him. Be with my close family and friends tonight. Let my thoughts run free, allow myself to feel. And then I will write.

Be careful out there, take care of your loved ones while you can. While there´s still time.