And it hit me hard, direct, and unavoidable. After a fair week with only a few minor attacks, my world crumbled and sent me spiraling into countless attacks yesterday.
It hit me so hard that I decided to wait to write this blog post. As with witchcraft, creative projects, and chores of the mundane world, I actively choose to postpone matters if I have a horrible day.
Then, I turn to take the best possible care of myself. Yesterday, that meant pulling the entire day out of the calendar, sleeping, and reducing the intake of the news stream as much as possible.
The reason behind my anxiety attacks, I ascribe to my experiences with the human factor the recent two Fridays. First, way too many people gathered in a way too small space, all waiting to be tested for Covid-19 on both days.
Second, what was a success the first Friday became a living nightmare yesterday. They closed down the test center after we had been waiting in a continuingly growing line for more than one icy cold hour outside due to technical problems with too small a staff.
This week, anxiety struck.
I was close to crying my eyes out yesterday as I tried to follow the wild roller coaster ride of an intense series of anxiety attacks. I hadn´t felt so bad about my anxiety disorders for a very long time, so I was both terrified and annoyed at the same time.
Terrified because I couldn´t control my reactions to the attacks, and my worst fear when under attack was that I might not be able to redirect my focus in time to avoid extra professional help
I am annoyed because I hate feeling so utterly helpless, confused, and shaken in body, mind, and soul.
I immediately wrote to my counselor so that we could discuss this on Tuesday.
It took me several hours to calm so much down that I could relax and rest a couple of hours before sleep.
Today, I take things easy and accept that I need extra sleep, less stuff on my plate, and especially time to heal at my own pace.
I managed to go shopping with my husband and walk our little wise, old dog. But I can´t go on visits or talk on the cell phone, not even with friends.
And my plans for a witchcraft ritual about healing and love had to be postponed for next week. I simply did not have the needed energy to work with any kind of magick during this week.
This week, anxiety struck.
But I won´t let it haunt me, I won´t allow it to overtake my feeling of being in strict control, and I won´t surrender to these horrible physical sensations of extreme fear.
Today, I can still feel the stagnant energy of an awful day. Therefore, I´m careful not to get involved in something that I later can´t manage to do.
I hate anxiety when it comes out of the blue hours after a stressful incident. It begins with me shaking all over the body, the heart working hard to calm down, and this feeling of overwhelming inner stress.
Riding the roller coaster of anxiety is a tough job, indeed. The worst part is that it leaves me desperate, looking for relief in the form of inner calm and necessary sleep. I constantly get drained after even a minor attack, but yesterday felt like a landslide inside.
My plans for today include painting a tea light candle holder for the upcoming advent Sundays before Christmas and working with my new archetype cards.
And I know now the hard way that I need to adjust my strategies when being in the outside world, where the human factor is more unpredictable than ever before in my lifetime.
People, in general terms, behave like spoiled kids, thinking of themselves only, as if the world rotates just for their sake.
And now that we live in a pandemic, people seem to behave worse and worse. Common courtesy is in short supply indeed.
I will discuss all this with my counselor on Tuesday, but I will stay at home as much as possible until then. I don´t have any need at all of being out there, with the human factor on the loose to the point of making people crazier than usual.
Turning to more positive matters, I look forward to creating something beautiful with my husband tomorrow. We want to make a couple of Christmas decorations with candles so that positive energy may find its roots again in our home.
And he will deliver fresh morning bread to our friends close by.
Tomorrow afternoon, I will work with my witchcraft ritual as a direct diversion of my racing thoughts. I know that the only solution is to keep up the good spirit, keep fighting myself back in the saddle, and keep diverting my focus to something soothing for my scarred soul.
Yet, I have this indescribable urge to shout out to the world that we really need to pull ourselves together; the human race has to stop being so destructive and self-absorbed.
And yes, we do live in scary times with severe matters on the table.
To avoid being too depressed over people´s behavior in general, I choose writing, witchcraft, and creative projects over the news stream and the horror of Covid 19 and all the bullshit in its wake, pardon my French.
This week, anxiety struck. And therefore, my thoughts go out to those of you out there who fight the same kind of battle right now. You are strong, beautiful, and so much more than a victim of anxiety.
Please be kind to yourself and others, show consideration for others when waiting in a line.
May your weekend be blessed with anything but stress and anxiety, dear readers and followers, may the pandemic come into control, and may my mental health recover quickly. Thank you in advance, dear Universe. So mote it be.