Hot-wired inside, happy outside

The words describe exactly how I feel right now. I´m in the more quiet range of my mental bipolar friend´s turf. I´m actively trying to hot-wire myself, so that I may break the circuit of slowness, thought flight, and a sneaky depression.

My medication and therapy only take care of the symptoms of bipolar disorder and anxiety. The rest is entirely up to me, and I admit, these weeks are uphill, for I feel happy and content despite every attempt to feel blue and anxious.

I´m in full control of what´s happening inside me, for I have tried to fight back so often in my life that I this time face all my fears at the same time. I decided last Spring that I would never again suffer so much.

And I keep my promise. I divert myself from the craziness that is happening in the world in a pandemic era by using every strategy available to avoid falling into that deep well of self-doubt that comes along when in a depressive period.

So, I´m hot-wired inside, happy outside. Besides, I don´t have time for any kind of negativity in the moment when I´m almost ready to begin writing my novels. It may disrupt my sleep pattern a bit, bit it is a fair price to pay.

I will take a longer nap later today when I have been on the cell phone with my father. Until then, it is full throttle and fast forward working. I have five to six different files open at the same time, so that I can easily switch the moment I feel low on energy.

I also believe that a positive outlook, lots of hard work, and a strong determination of getting better can trigger the other mood to come forward. I do it with great attention, for bipolar disorder is definitely not a game to begin playing for fun.

But, trust me, I know what I´m doing, for I have done it before. Today, I have all the necessary resources right at hand, enough time to handle both ailments and a gigantic novel project, and an assertive attitude.

Therefore, I´m fully capable of triggering my best side now, although I´m living in stealth mood at the moment. I´m mentally strong enough to do so, otherwise it is not recommendable at all to work with yourself this way.

So, hot-wired inside, happy outside. And the task today is the most demanding of them all: to read and write notes to hardcore facts about the locations for my novels. It is often written in the passive voice, as the one I use in this sentence.

It will be so for the next month, but I have to do it in this way, because I don´t want to spend too much time researching when I begin the writing process from April 1st, 2021. The rewrite of the notes will continue until Summer.

I can see the piles of paper growing and evolving. And it takes a lot of time to rewrite and order my notes, because I have pretty high standards. It has to be worth working with, it has to be as good as perfect, and it has to be my way.

Knowing too well that I haven´t had neither the time nor the mental energy to work with witchcraft for a while, I will use this weekend to create a beautiful ritual with the theme personal well-being.

So I will include a bathing ritual, something to grow from mentally, and some shadow work. By facing all my fears at the same time, they diminish in size and get worldly, so that it is possible to deal with them without getting more scarred from them.

As I´m writing this, I use fast music with lots of bass and drum rhythms to trick my mind into forgetting everything about bipolar disorder and anxiety and just live life to its fullest.

My warm-up today is this blog post where I´ll treat you with a fresh picture of our yard, where my husband has begun working, so everything will be beautiful and fit for a cup of coffee outside under a blue sky without stripes from planes.

Yes, it is Corona-free zone then. It moves closer now, and the numbers are rising again, before some of the lockdown is over for the time being. It is way too soon, and it will be grim, and I´m certain I will be proven right.

There are so many stupid and egoistical people around. And yes, this will hurt us all no matter what we do or don´t do. This is Mother Nature, and she is furious with us. We have behaved terribly for so many, many years.

Now, it is time to look closely at our lifestyle and adapt to reality. Now, it is time to shut up and cooperate. And now, it is time to write that time will tell who did what where and when. And there will be a payback time, too.

Oh yeah, hot-wired inside, happy outside. To me it is possible to trigger my mind because I´m used to a daily mix between highs and lows. To create another balance than my mind wants to is difficult, however both necessary and quite safe with me.

I have a whole life full of experiences to keep me from diving way too low at the same moment that I´m getting ready for the journey of my lifetime. And I have a strong determination to put action behind my words.

Call it positive shadow work, it helps and it keeps me fairly sane. I have to work with myself anyway, since my counselor is on a holiday until next week. But I can write to her, and I will if the need should arise.

I wish that the day had more hours. Most days now, time seems to slip through my fingers as were it grains of sand. I have to choose what to spend my time with, for I can´t embrace it all at the same time.

To my frustration, for I have many interests. And I simply don´t have enough time. Well, I do, for I also believe that we get exactly the amount of time that we need. There is a reason behind every mystery.

And the biggest mystery of all is life itself. My philosophy is simple, yet complicated: Live in the present moment, love to live, and learn to cope with the fact that we all have to pass the Rainbow Bridge some day.

But before that, we have been given a life full of fantastic opportunities, if we only dare to seize the moment, when they occur. And the core value is not the amount of money on the bank account.

No, it is the small pleasures in life that counts. Learn to love the everyday, for the most days happen here. For a reason. Being that nothing comes for free, life is hard work all the way from crib to grave.

But life is also beautiful, rich, and the greatest gift of all. With these words, I wish you a wonderful weekend, dear readers and followers. May the Sun and the Moon shine on your path and bring you happiness, inner peace, good health, and kindness. And so it is.



Thank you, dear Universe. From freezing temperatures to the first steps of Spring. The birds sang their heart out on our daily morning walk with the little, wise, old dog. And life is rich in the garden and the yard.

It calls for a cup of fresh-brewed coffee outside, warm clothes, for the wind is still chilly. Perhaps tomorrow morning after the daily walk. It helps mentally to keep the change in mood at bay.

Oh yes, I´m changing from the fast lane to the slower, more restless, and quiet time of life. Thank you not, dear bipolar friend of mine. The anxiety, however, remains silent without even hissing at me as it usually does.

It is Springtime. I believe that my experiment with the bowl of salt and bay leaves has done its magick. I sigh in relief since I´m most certainly not a winter person at all. No, I´m a night owl, preferring anything but cold and painful winters.

This positive element calmed me down while I watched the news. The county next to mine now has the highest numbers, still counting as they climb and climb due to the British variant of Covid-19.

We are preparing for the worst-case scenario. From now on until better times, we will only shop local. We do it already, but now it is essential to be alert. It feels strange that so many still won´t listen and pay Mother Nature due respect.

People need to understand that the times are changing. There is no going back to an old “normal” anymore. The world has changed, and we humans have to adapt. It is that simple, yet it seems so difficult to grasp. Why ???

We need to look ourselves in the mirror and ask serious questions about our choice of lifestyle. Now. It will dawn on people eventually, but we haven´t seen the worst just yet. But stay calm and focused, Self, what really counts is life in the present moment.

In here, the world outside has no business whatsoever. Here, we create our own rules, here we take good care of each other, and here we have learned to love the everyday, where most days are lived anyway.

I might as well reveal that my novel project once again has to be postponed by 2 more weeks. It will therefore be April 1st, 2021 before I begin writing my novels. Yes, novels, for my plan is to write all three in a year.

I can see from my word counting that it is possible for me to write several thousand words every day for very long periods at a time. The prolonging of the writing process is due to necessary preparations.

So at the moment I´m studying six American states and need to read more detailed information about the main locations for the settings in my novels. It takes longer time than I expected. But I need to do it to be as authentic as possible.

Springtime equals renewed energy here. My sweet husband is currently working hard to paint our home in light, encouraging colors. And we have asked our fair landlord for new windows upstairs and downstairs.

My energy has lowered to a point where I fight back every inch of the way. I don´t have the time for being passive, depressive, and inclined to weep. I don´t have the energy to deal with past issues anymore. And I don´t like this side at all.

Therefore, I use every strategy available to control my bipolar disorder. I may have to force myself into the chair every day, but I end up sitting there nevertheless. It may take me longer, but the work gets done anyway.

By fighting back so focused on my novel project is a major help. I hope and pray that this period will be short, so I can return to the lighter, more inspirational, and creative side ASAP.

I have also found an online group with like-minded people with the same diagnosis in common. We help each other with support and advice that neither nor relatives or any professional can provide.

A language of our own, without all the usual filters, explanations, and translations of why a person with bipolar disorder behaves, thinks, and reacts as he or she does. It is so often a road full of misunderstandings, ignorance, and bias.

I have been asked to give talks about anxiety and bipolar disorder when better times are a reality, and I have accepted. It is something to be proud of, but it is a future project, as the times are pretty unsafe right now.

Springtime. The word alone tastes sweet, smells fresh, sounds cheerful, looks beautiful, and feels fantastic. I´m building up a lot of tension in my mind. Because I want my novel project to be worth following and enjoying to my readers.

May your weekend be absolutely fantastic, dear readers and followers. Welcome to new followers, nice to have you on board. And may the world come to its senses sooner rather than later. So it is.

Picture of 👀 Mabel Amber 👀, Messianic Mystery Guest from Pixabay 

Twelve years and six months with my man

On Valentine´s Day 2 days from now, my man and I will have known each other for twelve years and six months. And on January 18, 2022, we will celebrate our copper wedding anniversary as husband and wife.

Twelve years and six months is a pretty long time, referring to the undeniable truth that we both have had our issues to deal with throughout life in the past.

The day we met was chaotic, complicated, and long. But after we met, everything changed. Not always for the better at first, yet somehow never so bad that our relationship was doomed.

We have been so close to a divorce that we gave each other a year to decide whether we should stay together or leave for good. It was after my beautiful classic car was stolen and burnt to ashes.

The incident released a seven-month-period with me in a serious manic episode. That the following year led to my hospitalization and more than three years of recovery through backbreaking hard work from us both.

But for an extended period of time now, we have been and are happy together. My man is the rare kind, where you are treated with equal parts of brutal honesty and deepfelt respect.

He makes me feel loved and important, he makes me laugh, and he makes my life whole and prosperous. He is my dearest, most trusted friend and ally, he is my sweet lover, he is my beloved husband.

So, on Sunday, we will enjoy a Beef Wellington menu together, celebrate that we, despite more obstacles than we want to remember, are here still, with even more love between us than ever before.

And we will rejoice in the fact that we managed to overcome impossible odds and chose a different lifestyle just in time to reinforce the deep bond between us.

Today, it is icy, piercing, bitterly cold outside. The temperature hasn´t been so low for nine years. King Winter may have a solid grip out; however, inside, it is cozy and filled with warmth and inner peace.

I´m on a break from my preparations for my novels. Research takes time, especially since I will be writing about another country from Denmark and American English.

But if you want to hit the stars, you don´t aim at the treetops only. One might as well have high ambitions and aspirations. Time is precious, on the other hand, so I use mine wisely.

Research is about gathering enough material without overloading either my own mind or the mind of my readers. I have some tough decisions to make along the way.

But I´m getting pretty close to the moment of no return. I feel that time tends to slip through my fingers, for at the moment, it feels like an odd and eerie rhythm that I can´t seem to fully grasp.

Perhaps, it´s due to my coming of age and becoming a Crone. The witch in me is relatively quiet during these cold winter battles with nature and my tendency toward winter depression.

But I plan to create little and short meditation rituals where a cup of hot chai tea will be served with a great book, a small creative project, or simply sitting down to reflect on life in general and my shadow Self.

I celebrate the eight Sabbaths of the Wheel of the Year, but I can´t find the time to follow the Moon´s phases as much as I would like to. Therefore, I have begun creating my own occasional rituals with emphasis on themes.

These themes are rooted in my everyday and focused on the simple yet touching idea that a little beauty, lots of lit candles, and a festive atmosphere can make a considerable difference.

I´m slowly but surely changing moods now. I pray that this time will be so much different from last Spring. It helps with the Sun shining healthy and beautiful.

At the moment, I´m using every strategy available to me to avoid feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, and angry with myself. I also allow myself to laugh and cry whenever I want to.

The world is star crazy anyway, so why not let go of what´s left of so-called dignity instead of feeling free and human? And, besides, my hormones are hissing at me. Menopause is a strange thing, yet beautiful.

But for the remains of the day, I choose to be happy and content with my life as it is right now. It is as good as it gets, and I might just as well celebrate being alive at all.

May your weekend be bliss, dear readers and followers. And may my man and I share the rest of our lives together. And by the way, dear Universe, spread some happiness on your way to everybody else.

Picture of Christine Sponchia from Pixabay 

The light at Imbolc

This week, we celebrated the Sabbath of Imbolc. Today´s pictures is about a light festival, a call to the coming of Spring, and a hope for better times ahead of us all.

My Imbolc altar

It is the first Sabbath with garden blessings, of which there will be many more during the changing seasons. Yet, winter is to be conquered, and they have promised more snow and freezing temperatures this weekend.

This week, I have been able to get a hands-on look at how the natural light is constantly changing. Now, we are headed for a happy time with more and more light coming forth day by day.

On our daily walks with the little wise old dog, who rests comfortably in his basket right next to my feet, the frost and the snow have created a landscape dressed in white.

And the local creek area is a beautiful walk worth these days. The Sun claims more and more moments of pure joy and this good feeling of being alive and well despite a world in chaos.

The winter view from our kitchen

During the last couple of weeks, I have studied the settings for my novels. I can feel that I once again have to postpone the writing part of the process. The settings simply need more time for me to study them.

So, until further notice, my first day of pure writing will be on March 15, 2021. Meanwhile, I´m busy creating a fictional scenery with solid roots in reality to be as authentic as possible.

My characters are slowly, but surely, being formed in my mind, as the week passes on with preparations, daily writing prompts, and an increasing word count by the hour.

I have decided to lift a little bit of my secretive veil around me as a person, who prefer the solitary path and wants to live as anonymous as it is possible in a modern world.

So today I provide you with a direct link to my writing playlist on Youtube. Yes, I use pen names a lot, and this one came along by itself the day I decided to change my lifestyle permanently:

It is the second on the list, just right click the link here.

It is a flexible playlist. If you have any suggestions of great music to write to, feel free to let me know. I listen to many different kinds of music, and I´m always interested in learning what other people listen to and why.

The light at Imbolc is my first indication of a new season arriving soon. King Winter still has a firm grip on Mother Earth, but never mind him being fierce and piercing cold.

Spring is coming, the birds already sing loud on the walks, and the philosophical cats have begun shedding their winter coat. And with a little help from magick, I believe that it is possible to call for Spring.

Take a pretty bowl, fill it with coarse salt, seven bay leaves and your silent prayers for better times, and put it in the window sill, where it will be touched by the rays of the Sun, reborn at Yule/the Winter Solstice.

Spring bowl and hyacinths

Sitting at my creative desk, I can see the sun from the window to the street. One of the cats reside in a box from the local grocery shop on my right side of the desk. Another is yet again in the windowsill.

My husband is helping our neighbor and dear friend, I´m preparing myself for the call to my father later in the afternoon, and thinking of my life here at this special place.

Once again, my mood is changing. This time, it feels like an undercurrent of a vague, undefinable sadness, like a touch of frost in the morning. My medication and therapy keep it at bay. But I still feel it.

The funny or strange part of this is that my spirit is still high, and I´m happy and content with my life. Yet it is possible to feel this eerie sadness, and I´m easily touched by the smallest of things.

And five minutes later, I laugh my soul free with a roaring laughter, some times also of things that are not funny indeed. I ascribe it to my menopause struggles more than my mental disorders right now.

But the wheel of the year is moving fast, and I have to move along with it, no matter how annoying my mental health can be at times. I cross my fingers and assume that it is a matter of a couple of weeks.

It is my first turn to the calmer, more passive side of living with a bipolar disorder supplemented with the whole party of anxiety disorders since last fall, so I´m eager to try to keep up my pace with the novels.

Last Spring was a horrible experience with loads of fear and uncertainty about the new reality of a life in a pandemic world. Therefore, I use every strategy available to maintain a healthy balance between highs and lows.

But the light of Imbolc can cure many a negative thought on the way, so I´m alright, thank you. May you be that too, dear readers and followers. Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again.