The words describe exactly how I feel right now. I´m in the more quiet range of my mental bipolar friend´s turf. I´m actively trying to hot-wire myself, so that I may break the circuit of slowness, thought flight, and a sneaky depression.
My medication and therapy only take care of the symptoms of bipolar disorder and anxiety. The rest is entirely up to me, and I admit, these weeks are uphill, for I feel happy and content despite every attempt to feel blue and anxious.
I´m in full control of what´s happening inside me, for I have tried to fight back so often in my life that I this time face all my fears at the same time. I decided last Spring that I would never again suffer so much.
And I keep my promise. I divert myself from the craziness that is happening in the world in a pandemic era by using every strategy available to avoid falling into that deep well of self-doubt that comes along when in a depressive period.
So, I´m hot-wired inside, happy outside. Besides, I don´t have time for any kind of negativity in the moment when I´m almost ready to begin writing my novels. It may disrupt my sleep pattern a bit, bit it is a fair price to pay.
I will take a longer nap later today when I have been on the cell phone with my father. Until then, it is full throttle and fast forward working. I have five to six different files open at the same time, so that I can easily switch the moment I feel low on energy.
I also believe that a positive outlook, lots of hard work, and a strong determination of getting better can trigger the other mood to come forward. I do it with great attention, for bipolar disorder is definitely not a game to begin playing for fun.
But, trust me, I know what I´m doing, for I have done it before. Today, I have all the necessary resources right at hand, enough time to handle both ailments and a gigantic novel project, and an assertive attitude.
Therefore, I´m fully capable of triggering my best side now, although I´m living in stealth mood at the moment. I´m mentally strong enough to do so, otherwise it is not recommendable at all to work with yourself this way.
So, hot-wired inside, happy outside. And the task today is the most demanding of them all: to read and write notes to hardcore facts about the locations for my novels. It is often written in the passive voice, as the one I use in this sentence.
It will be so for the next month, but I have to do it in this way, because I don´t want to spend too much time researching when I begin the writing process from April 1st, 2021. The rewrite of the notes will continue until Summer.
I can see the piles of paper growing and evolving. And it takes a lot of time to rewrite and order my notes, because I have pretty high standards. It has to be worth working with, it has to be as good as perfect, and it has to be my way.
Knowing too well that I haven´t had neither the time nor the mental energy to work with witchcraft for a while, I will use this weekend to create a beautiful ritual with the theme personal well-being.
So I will include a bathing ritual, something to grow from mentally, and some shadow work. By facing all my fears at the same time, they diminish in size and get worldly, so that it is possible to deal with them without getting more scarred from them.
As I´m writing this, I use fast music with lots of bass and drum rhythms to trick my mind into forgetting everything about bipolar disorder and anxiety and just live life to its fullest.
My warm-up today is this blog post where I´ll treat you with a fresh picture of our yard, where my husband has begun working, so everything will be beautiful and fit for a cup of coffee outside under a blue sky without stripes from planes.
Yes, it is Corona-free zone then. It moves closer now, and the numbers are rising again, before some of the lockdown is over for the time being. It is way too soon, and it will be grim, and I´m certain I will be proven right.
There are so many stupid and egoistical people around. And yes, this will hurt us all no matter what we do or don´t do. This is Mother Nature, and she is furious with us. We have behaved terribly for so many, many years.
Now, it is time to look closely at our lifestyle and adapt to reality. Now, it is time to shut up and cooperate. And now, it is time to write that time will tell who did what where and when. And there will be a payback time, too.
Oh yeah, hot-wired inside, happy outside. To me it is possible to trigger my mind because I´m used to a daily mix between highs and lows. To create another balance than my mind wants to is difficult, however both necessary and quite safe with me.
I have a whole life full of experiences to keep me from diving way too low at the same moment that I´m getting ready for the journey of my lifetime. And I have a strong determination to put action behind my words.
Call it positive shadow work, it helps and it keeps me fairly sane. I have to work with myself anyway, since my counselor is on a holiday until next week. But I can write to her, and I will if the need should arise.
I wish that the day had more hours. Most days now, time seems to slip through my fingers as were it grains of sand. I have to choose what to spend my time with, for I can´t embrace it all at the same time.
To my frustration, for I have many interests. And I simply don´t have enough time. Well, I do, for I also believe that we get exactly the amount of time that we need. There is a reason behind every mystery.
And the biggest mystery of all is life itself. My philosophy is simple, yet complicated: Live in the present moment, love to live, and learn to cope with the fact that we all have to pass the Rainbow Bridge some day.
But before that, we have been given a life full of fantastic opportunities, if we only dare to seize the moment, when they occur. And the core value is not the amount of money on the bank account.
No, it is the small pleasures in life that counts. Learn to love the everyday, for the most days happen here. For a reason. Being that nothing comes for free, life is hard work all the way from crib to grave.
But life is also beautiful, rich, and the greatest gift of all. With these words, I wish you a wonderful weekend, dear readers and followers. May the Sun and the Moon shine on your path and bring you happiness, inner peace, good health, and kindness. And so it is.