A gradual re-opening of society, if things continue as they are for the next two weeks. Or, if we don´t understand it now, stronger measures might be put in use.
I have now learned to embrace my anxiety that just played a trick on my mind. So, as I´m writing this, I´m actually recovering from a minor attack that came rolling as a big wave.
But I withstood it without even exhaling a sigh. I simply conquered myself by saying “you can do this” as a mantra, until the worst part was over.
The feeling of a free fall, being airborne so fast that I sometimes have to grasp something close to me. I used to love roller coasters, today I prefer to have my two feet solid on the ground.
My whole body shivers inside, so I´m listening to music to calm down again. I had four wonderful days without any signs of an acute attack. Now I count again, and I´ll keep doing it the rest of my life.
I´ll never surrender to anxiety again. But I´m okay with the inevitable unseen and unheard attacks, as long as I know how to regain control. Today supplemented with medicine to be sure to keep calm.
And that´s what I´m going to do in this crazy and sad situation we are all experiencing right now.
Remain calm, steady work towards the better me, and writing about it as a homemade idea about therapy.
My other project, my novel, is put away until next week. I need a week more to exercise in concentration. Something is keeping me away from it. And I follow along, allowing my muse to come and go.
It´s probably all this terrible mess that the world has spun itself into. Reality runs faster than fiction right now.
First, I need to get some chores done. Then, I need to meditate and prepare for my little home school. And, often these days, I´m tired after a session with a clever seven-year-old girl.
I feel forever changed, for nothing seems to surprise me anymore. I think it is the feeling of not being able to foretell what will happen next that tires me out at the moment.
The days look so alike that it can be difficult to tell the difference between Monday and Saturday. We try to break the silence with occasional positive events like the birthday celebration of a sweet four-year-old girl yesterday.
It forces me to be creative in all life areas, and it is also demanding regarding my normal stress level. And I need to be my own therapist as well.
At the same time, I´m absolutely happy and content with my life. Outer changes don´t interfere with the safe atmosphere here. This is my safe haven, and I appreciate it now more than ever before.
I listen to Mother Earth right now. We began this evening with a small bonfire in the garden and heard the birds sing their praise of Spring. Clear, bright sky with only a few clouds, good for the breath.
The little wise, old dog ran around like a puppy, sniffling in the wind with his tail curled up on his back. And we enjoyed the evening Sun with its sharp, soothing warm rays.
Now, there is an old Danish movie on the screen in the background, my breath is back to calm, and there are nothing left of the minor attack. Writing about it as it happens is difficult, but possible, and it puts the attack into a new perspective.
I forget that I was scared, I get back in the saddle, over and over again. Conquering myself and my own shadow is the hardest work I´ve ever tried.
It takes some guts to be as open about it as I have chosen to be. It takes a lot of patience and understanding from my loved ones. And it takes a person with an anxiety disorder to tell the difference from the kind of anxiety that we all share now.
My anxiety is not specific. I have no fears that I dare not face. And there is nothing to be scared about physically and mentally. But my anxiety doesn´t care about reality.
I always have attacks when it is impractical, e.g. during a ordinary dinner with loved ones, in the middle of creative projects, and when there´s a lot going on around me.
For no particular reason, I freeze and feel an inner roller coaster of strong feelings of discomfort. It dances wildly with me between a few seconds and hours of trying to calm down again.
Today, it lasted a little less than an hour. Sometimes, I´m lucky it releases some creative energy that I immediately use to write until I´m calm again.
The past three weeks have taught me how to handle anxiety in a crisis, so that we can get through this time with minimum disturbance and affect on our body, mind and soul.
Forever changed means that I have found what I was looking so desperate for. Effective methods to control a force that unleashed would overwhelm me sooner than I like to think of.
Every day is a major victory. Each day without anxiety is bliss. And every conquered moment is worth the trouble and the work behind. I will use my strategies in the future too.
I´m okay, Self.