Conversations

Yesterday´s ritual was a ritual between friends and a true witchcraft moment. I had planned the big setup, but we ended up in a close conversation that consolidated a friendship meant for the rest of our lives.

The Tarot cards spoke of both positive and challenging times. I choose to make five readings where the Elements and Spirit/Akasha functioned as theme and thread of consistency throughout the ritual.

Everything on the main altar symbolized the Elements and Spirit/Akasha. Both the Tarot cards and the Witches´ Runes remembered me that I need to align myself to the current situation and to get in tune with the Elements and the spiritual aspects of life, death, and rebirth.

I did the readings alone, after the altar again resembled itself on an ordinary day. But the conversation that became the main ritual was both beautiful and mindfulness in its essence.

We helped each other when I worked with my pendulums that needed cleansing and calibration. And we talked about our experiences in life, especially the challenging ones.

She had made hibiscus tea, and I had bought a box of chocolate. There was patchouli incense, a healing crystal grid for her with a special gift, and full setup of appropriate corresponding altar items.

Our conversation created a unique atmosphere, impossible to transform into words. It completed my day to a point where I could feel freedom from anxiety again.

Two days now, I have taken a higher dose of my anxiety medicine. It is way too early to say anything about whether this works or not for me. But yesterday I felt free for the first time this spring.

I only had a few moments of mild discomfort and was even able to walk the little old, wise dog with a seven-year-old girl whose world changes so quickly that she needs help to get through a rough time.

Another death in my extended family, this time it is challenging to try to teach her to not fear death, but begin to learn that it is a fact that we all come to realize some day.

But so life-affirming to help her to both cry and laugh during one of our conversations that is becoming a tradition, something to look forward to, and a loving bond for as long as we are here on planet Earth.

And in our hearts, minds, and souls for ever.

Conversations like these teach me to listen before I speak, to be brutally honest in a beautiful way, and to dare to trust that I can control my shadow, my invisible strange anxiety friend.

Yes, friend, for I make a poor enemy. I fight to the bitter end, or I become a true friend to trust, to respect, and to share a strange harmony with. I´m the cautious type, so my new friend, anxiety, is yet to be treated as such.

I need to experience a couple of weeks before I more firmly can tell that the medicine has done its part. As for me, I work hard for finding back to the better me, the one who can handle being bipolar, right now at the creative, energizing, and high side of the scale between high and low.

It was a major victory day. The anxiety was tamed most of the day. Now, I enjoy the feeling of happiness, inner peace, a good health, and kindness surrounding me and bringing forth the best version of me instead of the depressed, anxious time period so long that I don´t need to spend as much as a second longer with it.

Conversations make a remarkable difference when the common ground is rooted in real-time friendship, genuine respect for complex personalities, and an extraordinary kind of caring love that is so rare in modern times.

Sharing life with my extended family is bliss. Beating anxiety is freedom. And to have a window to the world here is a privilege. For all of this I´m grateful.

May your weekend be filled with sunshine, happy moments, and inner calm, dear readers and followers. As we will it, so mote it be.

Yesterday´s altar

Enough is enough

I don´t feel well these days. I have so much anxiety that it hinders me in doing what I love to do. And I feel so intense restlessness and involuntary movements, the last due to side effects from prescription medicine.

So, tomorrow, I will have a longer talk with my counselor, and right thereafter I will contact my GP to ask for a larger dose of my anxiety medicine.

Enough is enough, I´m tired of myself. I know I can beat this anxiety, little by little, and now I don´t want to feel like this for a longer while. Therefore, I have decided to only watch the news once a day.

I can´t accommodate too many bad news at a time. And I can´t do anything to make myself feel better about our crazy world, where way too many people show that they don´t care about anybody but themselves.

Enough is enough, I´m fed up with watching two many people gathering way too close. I know that I need to come out in the world outside my universe here sometime.

But I´m not looking forward to it. I prefer to be at home as much as possible, and now even more so. But I also need to break my free will isolation and get outside to enjoy the more than fair weather.

So, tomorrow morning, it´s time for some serious self-care, including a long hot bath, my favorite perfume, and summer clothes. Before my call with my counselor, for I need to take care of the better me.

I have cut down the amount of rituals this week to only one for Thursday. A solitary ritual concerned mostly with healing, meditation, and casting spells for creativity, inner peace, and renewed energy.

All my life, I have always come to the point where I tell my Self to align itself and pull through with pure stubbornness and will power. I will not give up, no matter the challenge.

It is okay to have a few bad days now and then. But so often as it seems now, I need to do something about it quickly. Today, I have made a list of those chores and creative projects you always talk about but never accomplish.

Unless you say to yourself that now it the time to get away from the couch and be outside in the sun, to write, to draw and paint, or to just be the better me.

This I told myself today. Enough is enough.

My first tour de force out in the outside world will go to a hair dresser and a clothing outlet. My wardrobe needs a full makeover, and I have way to often put myself aside and helped other people more than I have helped myself.

This is shadow work to me when it is a brutally honest and real-time experience. It is liberating to sit and write again, I will write about my ritual Friday, and thereby I´m also announcing that I will continue posting on Fridays.

What´s in between, dear readers and followers, is my life´s adventure for better or worse. When I´m good and ready, I will share some of my material from my novel to hopefully receive constructive criticism.

That´s my plan for the fall. This longest spring in my life is to be released by the summer season. Here I need to work in depth with my novel. I need to write some scenes from different parts of the novel.

So that the plot feels like watching a movie. Then I will cue and cut my characters into a team of fictive people with a strong layer of realism covering it.

And try to show and to tell a story at the same time. A difficult task, but not impossible. It takes countless loads of hard work, many hours of thinking, writing, and doubting.

And longer periods where the work with the novel is stilled due to my anxiety. It is no longer acceptable to me to fight so hard so often. It takes precious time from the rest of my life.

Enough is enough.

Especially because I´m generally in a very good mood indeed. I´m not sad, I´m not unhappy, I´m not underestimating the real power behind an anxiety disorder when there is something going on in the world.

It is difficult right now. From chaos and lockdown to reopening and taking new risks meeting other people. To not know whether this is of a temporary or more permanent character.

And at the same time, I live with perfect conditions. I don´t need too many changes, although I acknowledge that change is inevitable. But nobody need the bullshit all at once, pardon my French.

Then comes Corona-virus along and all the trouble in its wake. And my anxiety woke up and kicked me to hell and back. Now enough is enough. I don´t have time for more of this.

Tonight, I will work with some witchcraft notes about the old times where a certain spell saved the day. It is so relaxing to be a witch, and I will make a both beautiful and sacred ritual for Thursday.

Enough is also enough here. Please take care of yourself, wherever you are. I return Friday evening with a blog post filled with positive energy, healing intentions, and inner peace.

Picture of John Hain from Pixabay 

One of these days

Where the anxiety rules my world. Where the best I can do is to stay at home, inside most of the day, wearing a simple housecoat over casual clothes. And where everything feels like riding a roller coaster on the loose.

The ups are fewer than the downs, and I so intense hate this creepy feeling as if were a cloak silently surrounding me and swept tight around me in a quick, sharp, and extremely uncomfortable way.

Especially when my mood has changed into the faster and more creative phase.

Then it is one of those days.

Where I use the whole day to try to touch the better me. So that my anxiety level for the evening is under appropriate control by me rather than racing thoughts, physical shaking, and hypersensitivity to sounds and light.

I have been outside with the little wise, old dog twice today, but I stayed outside our local shop. More people, more going on, more movement.

Too many things to sort out to be able to sit on a bench and enjoy the sun. But I managed it, and I have just enjoyed a bonfire in the garden with my husband at my side.

Now, he´s taking a long hot bath, the dog and the cats are all around me, and I think back to a couple of hours with a fine little girl who is writing and drawing her first books.

She is seven years old.

She can read now. The next step is to learn to write. We have spent countless hours studying homework for a year now. What a privilege to be lucky enough to teach what life has taught me.

Always be true to yourself. Always keep on getting back on the feet after being down, and always see the world through a positive outlook.

I cherish my settings, moods, and even anxiety, when after a long day, finally, it all calms down mentally. It is a true moment of inner peace, immediate relaxation, and absolute freedom from anxiety.

Now, there is no signs of anxiety, I´m no longer tense and sensitive, and a day filled with little attempts to annoy me has become early evening.

Now, I´m able to do what anxiety has kept me from today.

Yes, it is one of those days where it could have been better, but everything is okay, nothing is wrong, it is just me trying to adapt to a changed world. I see people different now.

I watch the news, sigh, and try to live my life the best possible way. Today has been a day with self-care, contemplation, and a constant search for this feeling of quiet calm that is in my body, mind, and soul as I write this.

The outside world must take care of itself for now. For a few hours, I will work with some old and some new witchcraft notes. Early tomorrow, I will enjoy the beauty of the garden, the inner yard behind our house.

Then it is time for yet another counseling call. We will talk about how the coming visits will have to be regarding safety and responsibility. And I will tell my counselor that I´m grateful for the possibility of getting help.

It is not to be taken for granted, and right now, worldwide, my thoughts go to those who are anxiety warriors like me. It is one of those days where it is okay to be brutally honest about the fears behind the anxiety.

End of rant.

Getting better by the day

Still recovering from the price of anxiety as a life-long companion, I´m in the best of moods, however.

Getting better by the day, this has become my new motto. I have several physical and mental ailments to live with, whatever I like it or not. But I don´t mean to sound complaining.

I live a happy life with an exceptional family, the one that we created ourselves, not the biological one as the only guiding line. I have everything I need close by.

And I know I can trust my true friends and allies in this ever so crazy world. They have my back and I have theirs. Sharing our lives is a major privilege for which I´m deeply grateful.

This is also me, the one who writes about witchcraft and writing as well.

I began this blog writing that my personality would shine through my writing. And I write the truth about my experiences, my dreams, and my goals with this blog.

There is room for pagan stuff, the love for writing, and a personal diary.

Things change, people change. I have changed, too. The time before Corona seems so far away these days. Being grateful and enjoying life is not new to me.

But now, I enjoy life to its fullest with what is available in the present moment. I´m grateful on a daily basis, and I´m not afraid to show it. The world is a changed place.

Although it seems more and more that people are getting careless and have enough in themselves again. We´re not through this yet, and it may take so much longer, because too many didn´t care.

They can do whatever they want, as long as it is possible for me to be careful, I will keep taking my strict precautions when in public. I don´t need to be sick, I don´t need to pretend everything is normal.

Everything is not normal, and it is apparently too difficult to have to make a few sacrifices so that we all could get through this with as few casualties as possible.

So I remain at home whenever I can. I love my life here and don´t need to go back to the world in the past. We can´t change the past anyway. So I have taught myself to be creative with what I already have.

My father doesn´t seem to care, either. I can only sigh and say whatever. It is his own choice to behave with egocentric attitude and I-want-it-all- right- here-and-now manners-

It is also to see a bipolar mind without medication and therapy. No funny at all. But I won´t let it spoil my day, so I turn off the news, release my thoughts about my father, and work with some creative projects.

Like naming a wheelbarrow Trille (in Danish a wheelbarrow is called a tril-le-boer) as today´s picture shows, taking pictures of the flowers in the garden, and working with this blog post.

Diversion is one of my many strategies to handle anxiety in an unpredictable world. Another is to take the time necessary to do things. I always work in my own pace.

I can´t change careless behavior in anyone but myself. So I do what we have been asked to do, and I live by our own strict guidelines for appearance in public and for the coming counselor visits.

It will be with a six feet distance, outside in the garden, with rubbing alcohol close by. I got another year of counseling, so I´m happy and feel safe for just now and the summer to come.

At the moment, I have quite a few mood swings from day to day. So getting better by the day means literally by the day. I can only manage a day at a time, so much depends on my mood on the day of something.

I may have to stay inside the house because it is overwhelming to be around anybody. I may have to eat alone some days because the inner turmoil just feels too much for me to be in any social situation.

Or I may, as today, be in a pleasant and happy mood where nothing feels wrong. But every time I beat the anxiety, it is a major victory. Today, I have won the first three rounds already, so it is one of the good days.

We have just been on our afternoon walk with the little wise, old dog. He is happy, with his tail all curled up, eating a treat right now. We will have a barbecue dinner with our neighbors and their children in a few hours from now.

But until then, I stay inside to write and to calm myself down. It was tough to be outside in the stressed world, even for a short walk. Today, I don´t need too many people and too many things going on around me.

It took some time before I learned to be so open with my ailments that I now speak frankly about it with my family and close friends. But it is necessary, otherwise they will not know how to be around me.

They also know that it is not personal issues that keep me from being social on a day like today, with sunshine, a beautiful garden, and a privileged life where I practically can do whatever I want.

As long as it is inside our financial, mental and common limits. Then, living on a budget becomes a fun and happy event. I would rather wait for the right offer than would I race to shopping malls with lend money.

Over the next couple of days I plan to create two or three delicate solitary rituals where there will be time to meditate over ways to conquer the anxiety, to contemplate about life, and to do some self-healing work.

If you forget about yourself and your needs, you won´t be able to do anything, neither for other people or yourself. And my body always tell me when it is time for some serious self-care.

Next week, I will enjoy the rituals and I can´t wait to feel the good and positive energy that working with witchcraft teaches me to obtain by using little, sometimes big and delicate, rituals in the everyday.

To have something to rely on spiritually, to be able to get in touch with the better me, and to tune my body, mind, and spirit in to the rhythms of Nature and Mother Earth.

My novel is under extended research, and I have come to a point where I need to write and rewrite a lot. I don´t edit yet, I simply write a paragraph at a time and read it out aloud to hear if it sounds right.

If not, I continue with new paragraphs until I´m satisfied and is able to work the different pieces into something worth reading. I also need to make myself a portable bag with a notebook, a ball pen, and my cell phone to record my thoughts when outside in the garden.

And I need to buy new canvasses for painting online when it is payday again soon. So next week will be busy, where this one is concerned with relaxation, contemplation, and self-care.

Getting better by the day definitely also means being creative and content with the everyday. With all the change going on outside this house and garden, I´m happy to live as stable and predictable as possible.

My everyday is simple, yet complicated. Simple, because stress is so unnecessary if you only make a few, but elementary changes in lifestyle. Complicated, because the outside world can be so invasive mentally.

I´m okay, Self. It is going well with the little ones in daycare, kindergarten, and school. We do what we can to avoid getting sick. And I´m working with a possible correction of some of my prescription medicine.

I´ll wait for a couple of weeks, before I make an appointment with my GP with the aid from my counselor, because my GP is the stubborn type that seldom do anything except with an extra voice in the matter.

But if this long period of anxiety time continues, I´m willing to change the dosage of my anxiety medicine. It consumes too much of my precious time, and it is exhausting for the body to be so tense for so long periods.

Getting better by the day takes time, hard work, and a lot of self-insight. But it is worth the trouble, my strategies help me more and more. Let it be so and better tomorrow, so mote it be.

A quiet evening

This week has been strangely surrounded by my anxiety that doesn´t seem to know what direction it wants to pull me through if I ever lay my guards down and relax for a whole evening without noticing the little annoying signs.

So I have decided to fight straight back hard against hard. Now, I´m in my living room with a crime series to bingewatch as a break from the writing of this blog post.

I have taken extra prescription medicine for a whole week at least. And yet it still amazes me how extraordinary strong anxiety really is when you allow yourself the chance to get close to it.

I want a quiet evening where I write a little, both on the keyboard and by hand, where I can feel free from anxiety, and where I can be the me I want to be even with anxiety as an unwanted co-pilot in life.

So I sit with music in my ears and try to divert myself from the racing thoughts that a quick news snapshot set in motion half an hour ago. A demonstration in Copenhagen with almost 500 people.

To protest against violation of civil rights. To protest against the lockdown. And to protest against, whatever. The Corona virus doesn´t care. I can feel my anxiety very lively today already, so thank you, not.

It is the wildest roller coaster ride in my entire life, this crazy world outside my house and garden. I did, however, manage to go for an extra walk with the little wise, old dog this morning.

Knowing that we will go out again later in the afternoon. Where there probably will be more people than I am learning to prefer. Staying home is a privilege to me.

I don´t want to see or hear more news today. I will work with some old witchcraft notes, continue the research part for my novel, and try to get a couple of hours feeling free from anxiety.

So that for once in a longer while, there will be a quiet evening without any worries and concerns. Where the thoughts kept quiet, where the physical symptoms remained unnoticed, and where peace prevails.

But I need to clear my head, to shake off the eerie feeling of being in a state of constant alert, and to convince my Self that I´m okay and actually in a positive mood.

I need not worry about the world outside my refuge here. At least, not for now and not for some time. Until we all meet again in front of the screens, at home, together, yet apart.

It is another era that we´re entering these months. Nothing is completed just yet. We still need to know the effects from phase 1. Phase 2 is growing fast. And we need to learn about the good examples.

As for now and some time ahead, I don´t do any readings about anything associated with the future, for I see only a fog for me. I will know it sooner or later anyway, and besides, I live in the present moment.

The past is there no matter what I do. I can only change my reaction to it. And that I do by doing intensive shadow work on daily basis until things turns better outside in the still more crazy world.

And we have to believe that things will be better there. At my little spot, there is freedom, responsibility, and loving care. So my focus is here and not so much outside this sphere.

But, of course, I watch, I read, and I think my thoughts about all this. I prefer the positive outlook to all the negatives and what ifs. Unless it has to do with my novel that is.

I have only a big sigh left for all the fools and stupid people. They have nothing to do with my everyday, and I try to avoid them as much as possible. And it is becoming something of a quest as time goes by.

One way to be less stressed when shopping is to write down what you need according to the design of the shop, so you follow a one-way route rather than racing up and down and meet people more than necessary.

My counselor told me that advice which we immediately have taken to us. It will make shopping so much easier, less costly, and perhaps one day an event to look forward to.

Until that happens, I will follow my own strict guidelines for appearing in public, and I know it has come to stay, perhaps for the rest of this life. So we might as well pull ourselves together and do what it takes to stay healthy and safe.

Now, I will wish you a pleasant and enriching weekend, dear readers and followers. It´s time to relax, get inspired, and go to work with my novel. May the world find the positive light, so mote it be.

Re-opening Denmark

Denmark is re-opening in phase two. First were the little ones, now they open the malls, the shops, and the outdoor sports. But I´m still staying home as much as possible.

From next Monday, they send the youth back to school. And the independent boarding schools re-open. But I´m still extremely cautious when in public.

Phase three and four are also being prepared now. They say social distancing in public now should be only three feet rather than six as before as yesterday. But I´m still keeping even more distance.

My anxiety in public is more active now. I don´t like being outside our home and garden for more than a walk with the little, wise dog or a short shopping trip to our local shop.

In the past week, it has been the physical aspects of my anxiety that have dominated my constant inner fight against this creepy feeling of discomfort.

I have been able to control it most of the time, but in the weekend it became really annoying for no apparent reason. It feels as if a cloak is being placed tight around me that makes me want to run as fast as hell.

Now, I can write about it, and my counselor also called today. We are to have a three month conversation about a possible prolonging of my counseling. I hope to get it, but with this one never really knows.

I have been working with witchcraft related issues this past week to divert me from my fight with the physical aspects of my anxiety. The symptoms of a threatening attack have been second opponent.

And I needed a regular break from any online activities for a while. I could not concentrate enough to write clearly about what was going on. Sometimes silence is gold.

But now I´m feeling a little better, and I´m fighting back every inch of the way with motivation and trust in my shadow Self, even though that it is a painful travel with an unwanted companion.

I´m learning to cope with anxiety on a daily basis. It is as tough as a full-time job, mostly because there is so much uncertainty this spring. And I don´t like surprises, here-and-now decisions, and too many unknowns.

So, we live live in a tough and insecure time, where many things can go wrong very quickly, and I can only try to control my own reaction to what happens. Re-opening Denmark is stressful when you live with anxiety.

I try to watch the news with great care that I only watch the most necessary and leave the majority to the world itself to deal with. My part in all this is limited physically as much as possible.

And to be brutally honest, I don´t miss much from the old world before Corona-virus. I had already changed my lifestyle long before that. And now, the many months of hard work to do that pays off.

I´m used to live rather isolated. I know how to get the most out of every situation, especially if the situation happens right here, in my wonderful home, a privilege to be deeply humble and grateful for.

Re-opening Denmark will again show the human factor, both at its worst and at its best. I hope and pray that we will learn most from the last of the two options.

But I don´t mind telling that I truly feel my anxiety at its critical moment these days. It some days almost feels like having been in a boxing ring for twelve exhausting rounds.

It can sneer and growl at me. It can hiss and lash out after me. And it can try to torment my soul with its dismantling thoughts. I won´t give up, I will fight, and I´m okay, Self.

I can literally feel the anxiety in my body, mind, and soul. And at the same time, I have the side-effects from my prescription medicine to handle on top of osteoarthritis and degenerated disc disorder.

So it hurts, especially on cooler days like today. It means pain killers in rare moments where I need them to be able to exist as a human being with at least my good humor left.

Today, I watched a funny video that my neighbor and friend send me. It still makes me laugh and think of funny situations in my life. It saves the whole day with a good laughter about this crazy world.

It is necessary to laugh and to have a good cry, too. It is a kind of mental release that is magickal in itself. When I laugh, I feel less pain, so thank you, dear neighbor and friend for making my day better.

Thank you also, dear husband of mine, for making my life a blessing. Every day I´m happy here, no matter how many fights it takes to beat the anxiety that is my own worst enemy.

My mood is in the fast lane, but with control and hard work behind to balance the everyday in the best possible way. Being bipolar is not fun at all in times of stress, as in here and now outside in the world, especially not the deep swings between low and high.

But at least it is controllable, whereas anxiety needs to be tamed no matter where, when, and how it happens. The why question is more difficult to answer.

I focus solely on the early symptoms. The reasons behind anxiety depends on who you are and where you are in life. And sometimes, there could be many possible answers or none at all, as it is for me right now.

So rather than working with the past, I prefer to work with the anxiety in the moment it occurs. I can only try to control my inner gut feeling as the director in an never-ending story.

Re-opening Denmark stirs my anxiety. But I have decided that I can handle that as well as any other issue anxiety might have in store for me. I will never give up, never surrender to this creepy feeling of wanting to get away from something unknown so much that it scares me.

I hope it is not too soon. I hope that we can keep doing what we are doing here at our spot of Mother Earth. And I hope that my anxiety stays controllable, that it will be even better tomorrow, that the good times will prevail.

So mote it be.

Tales from a little wise, old dog

His name is Kvik (like quick). He is almost ten years old, he is sweet, clever, and a true best friend. He is family. Right now, he is taking his midday nap right next to me.

He tells many tales, especially with his tail that is in constant motion. He shows with his playful paws that he wants to go out, play, or a treat. And he smiles literally when we are cuddling on the couch on a pile of pillows.

He is always with me or my husband. He is only alone a few hours now and then when we go shopping outside our little town which has become a rare event.

He has been with us since he was only thirteen weeks old. He greats me in the morning, spend the day with me in my creative den, in my witch´s den, and outside in the garden, and he sleeps right next to me at night.

He has been through hell and back together with us all the way. He is our faithful little friend and has grown wise with the years than run so much faster for him than for us.

He knows my anxiety better than me. Yet he is always there, as if he knows that he is needed on the worst of days. I need him close to me when there is a bad attack on its way.

Today, I had some physical discomfort in the earliest signs of a coming attack, such as fast heart beat, nausea, and a creepy feeling of a cloak of anxiety stress surrounding me.

But he helped me control it by smiling so sweet back to me that I couldn´t resist having a longer good time with him. So it remained an early warning, and there is only a vague memory of it now.

I get my call tomorrow afternoon. This time I need it. My mood is swiftly changing back to the more creative me that I prefer to my opposite, the slower, the less secure, the depressed me.

But I can feel this time that I have changed inside during this pandemic era, and to follow change even further I need to carry my soul along, so that I can be just me in all this too.

By that I mean the real me, the one without the social masks, the person I prefer to be. The one behind the words on the keyboard. The one you know when you meet the person between the lines.

My little wise, old dog helps me to get to know that me. The strongest one, oh yes, I just beat yet another anxiety attack just now. The weakest one when I curl up and cry my heart out, he tries to remove the tears.

He is a happy little guy with his firm attitudes as a terrier and a sweet soul inside. His way of life teaches me to relax and to enjoy life as it comes. With its ups and downs, its challenging twists and turns, and its experiences of light, laughter, and love.

I´m used to twists and turns, and my path has never been easy or taken for granted. Today, I understand less, experience the more, however. I collect memories from the everyday that is my guideline in life.

Many of these involve Kvik. He is an integral part of this family, and a blog post in his honor is well-earned.

The little wise, old dog

75 years ago in Denmark

75 years ago in Denmark, it was liberation day. We were free again after the 5 years of WW2. Today, we celebrate it apart from each other due to a pandemic.

Both my grand fathers were active freedom fighters. Both remained true to their beliefs throughout life and especially my grand father on my mother´s side taught me the importance of the ability to read and write.

And to be grateful to live in an time where freedom of speech is still a possibility for at least some of us to make good use of. It should be a privilege for all people worldwide.

Tonight, at exactly 08.36 p.m. CET, we will light candles in the windows to celebrate our freedom. Peace for 75 years is big also in a modern world. I´m grateful to have been born free.

Freedom is not to be taken for granted at any time. It is something to cherish, to maintain, and to appreciate. It was appreciated then, and it should be today, too.

Today, I also celebrated the Sabbath of Beltane, the festival for the May Queen and the Green Man. I made a toast for my ancestors and a libation (milk and honey) for the May Queen and the fairies.

My husband planted seeds which I read a blessing for, and the Tarot cards spoke of expecting positive experiences after hard and serious work with Self and the emotions.

So it is an emotional day, and we will sing along tonight and feel proud and thankful that we live in Denmark in freedom with almost perfect conditions in our lives.

75 years ago in Denmark, a war was over, a frightful and shocking time had ended. Now we are fighting another kind of war, this time a disease is threatening humankind.

This time, our enemy is invisible and silent. Therefore, there is even more cause to fight back every inch of the way. Which we do by adapting to the new regulations and precautions.

Whatever other people might or might not do, we stick to that. And by reducing the news to an absolute minimum we also cope with anxiety and stress.

There has been a little allusion toward a minor anxiety attack, but it was only the run-reaction that was testing me today. Over the weekend, it has been more like restlessness and inner turmoil.

Didn´t get my call as expected this afternoon, so I turn to my writing strategy and loud music in my ears. It helps me, strangely enough, that my bipolar disorder is turning rapidly now toward the more creative side.

Then I have an outlet for my extra mental energy that comes along with the turn to the lighter mood. It suits me well that my depression period now almost is over.

Tonight, I will raise my cup in yet another toast for my ancestors. And for the peace their sacrifices secured for many generations to come, if we only dare to learn the lessons from them.

75 years ago in Denmark, it became a night to remember, when we were told that we were free as a nation and as people again. When I hear that announcement, it makes me shiver down the spine in awe.

Picture of loulou Nash from Pixabay 

Living in a rainbow family

Is Paradise to me. We look after each other on all kinds of days, evenings, and nights. There is always someone to talk with, there is always room to be truly yourself, and there is always tolerance, deep trust, and love.

Living in rainbow family means a world of difference to my husband and me. Nature has chosen that we have no children ourselves. But instead we got three wonderful bonus grand children next door.

And their sweet, caring, and unique parents too. We have a special relationship. We are both family and best friends at the same time. And it has become the most natural thing in the world for us all.

It doesn´t mean, however, that we don´t keep to ourselves now and then. It is necessary for many reasons. In particular, due to my mental ailments, I need to be able to withdraw, if .e.g. I´m hit by an anxiety attack.

I had a minor one today in our local shop, but it only lasted a couple of minutes, and then I was ready to face the world again. I don´t like to stand in line too long because I feel that I can´t escape.

What I appreciate the most about our extended family is that it includes both family members and friends. And it is becoming more and more worldwide.

It makes me happy, shapes my creative energy, and helps me cope with the many challenges from a long and rich life filled with equal parts of good and bad experiences.

I feel at home here, I feel that I can be the me that I want to be without having to seek approval, and I feel that I´m appreciated too. And it is the best medicine for a former lost soul.

I´´m not lost anymore. I have found my direction, my path, in life, and I thrive and grow mentally for each day. Because I get the mental challenges that I personally need.

I have a high set of ethical standards. I don´t like to be lied to, I don´t like to get my stuff stolen, and I don´t like to be fooled in any way. Other than that, I show my respect when it is earned, not beforehand.

I´m usually an easy-going person. It takes a lot of work to make me angry, because I spare my anger for the serious stuff only. And I don´t have the time to be involved in more arguments than necessary.

Therefore, I don´t gossip, I don´t put on any social mask, and I don´t follow other paths than my own. I have at times a strong and sharp pen, when I feel something is too much to remain quiet like the big majority.

Yet my way of life is as simple and inexpensive as possible. I have nothing to hide, and I don´t have a need to brag about anything at all. But I´m proud of my achievements with the anxiety and the bipolar disorder.

It´s because it is difficult to work with. It is in-depth shadow work, also when I´m absolutely not in the mood to have anything to do with negativity of any kind.

This is day eight in a row with the least amount of anxiety in almost three months. It is at the same time the mentally longest Spring of my life. But it has helped a lot to turn off the news and concentrate on anything else.

I also got a lifeline to my counselor, if I should need it. We have agreed that I write to him, when I feel that the situation is getting out of control. He will then return my text with a call as soon as possible.

Until now I have managed without that lifeline. But it is reassuring that there is help to get. My thoughts today go to those who cannot get their necessary help.

I contribute by withholding myself from texting SOS, unless my attack is severe and last longer than I´m used to during this strange, pandemic era.

Living in a rainbow family is a fantastic and truly special experience. We got each other´s back should something occur that we need help to in the form of typically a friendly talk and lots of coffee.

We also guts the guts and the mental strength to openly disagree, although it seldom occurs here. Perhaps it are our differences that keep us so tight together.

May your weekend be blessed with positive experiences and freedom from worries and anxiety, dear readers and followers. As we will it, so mote it be.

Picture of Maciej Szewczyk from Pixabay

I turned off the news

I turned off the news. I simply can´t read anymore about people without understanding of the seriousness of this pandemic. And even in my little town, people are more careless and noisy.

It doesn´t help that we don´t hear a thing from our Prime Minister these days, where more and more people openly are acting against all guidance about necessary precautions.

My weekly call from my counselor was about my anxiety tree. My sixth day of being anxiety free has been replaced with inner turmoil and restlessness that only a mandala and a writing session can handle.

With loud music on, of course, to divert myself from all angles. It feels as if some kind of change is waiting for people to do even more stupid things than some already do by not listening to the authorities.

And, in this case, I prefer not to be proven right. But my eyes and ears don´t lack precision. The number of cars in the street has risen during the latest week, and people now shop with their kids again.

The worst part is that we won´t see the result before three to four weeks from now. And I´m just not ready or the slightest interested in any rising numbers, as things are nowadays.

So I protect myself by only checking the news occasionally when I´m e.g. zapping between TV channels for something to look at in the evening. Typically, I read the news in silence and then sigh deeply.

I have decided not to care when it is something that I personally can´t control. As long as we are taking the correct precautions here, people can do whatever they want. As long it is not near me and my loved ones.

So, I turned off the news. Instead, I resort to little creative projects like cutting a paper eagle to the window in my witch´s den or coloring a mandala drawing.

This morning, I promised my Self that this should be a good day. Filled with equal amounts of laughter and tears, a fair amount of dedicated work with my novel, and plenty of creative pursuits.

It is cloudy, allusive with rain, and chilly outside. My husband and the little wise, old dog rest, and here in my creative den it is cozy and comfortable. I have a window to our yard and can follow the seasons close up.

At the moment, I´m researching the setting and the overall atmosphere in my novel. I´m studying magnificent Nature on my laptop and the wild birds outside my creative den.

There have been many visits from the European magpie couple, the house sparrows, and the wagtails. We also got starlings, swallows, and an owl nearby.

After I turned off the news, I feel completely relieved. It´s almost as good as had I just finished a witchcraft ritual. Speaking of which, it´s my goal for tomorrow to plan a beautiful Beltane Ritual for next Monday.

The magick of today showed itself in my little home school. A little girl, only seven years old, used half an hour to create a beautiful picture of a sunset with seagulls and an atmosphere of untamed life and beauty.

As the evening draws near, I have changed locations, so that I´m in my living room right now. Nothing on TV, therefore a working night. I´m working with my character journals behind my novel.

It is fun because here I really get to think more than twice about using the five senses in my work. And the worse situation, the better writing. There need to be high stakes that rise when you least expect it.

Combine a wild nature with the dark sides of the human mind. Then there is tension in more than one way. So I´ll put my characters in jeopardy right from the beginning.

It is demanding for it takes more time to create a strong and plausible character for a novel than I expected. But I prefer to work thoroughly with my background material, before I use it creatively in my novel.

Two whole days now, I turned off the news. I feel so much better, and my tendency to shiver and feel inner turmoil has finally shut up. It is a major relief and a major victory.

I´m also much more creative and feel my freedom grow. So that´s my new strategy, as few news as possible whenever I feel fit for it. General orientation, yes, long talks about for and against the re-opening of society, no thank you.

Thanks to our choice of lifestyle, the pagan way, we have conquered our lives back during the last four years. And we will never regret it. I don´t miss what was before the pandemic at all.

I can get most of my needs covered with local and online shopping, so why should I miss the malls, the big crowds, the constant stress from racing from one activity to the next without pausing to think about the difference between wants and needs?

I miss the big panorama from a trip into Nature, like going to the sea and gather stones and seashells. But I prefer to wait until it´s safer to be around other people.

My wants are covered by common sense and by saving the necessary money before buying anything other than the daily necessities, like food, medicine, and household items.

It´s been one of the truly good days without too many side effects from my physical and mental ailments. I have been productive, I have been creative, and I have diverted my Self from the outside world.

So, turning off the news is definitely something I´m going to do a lot in the near future. I have other things to do that are much more important than to watch and listen to yet another haughty debate on TV about the pros and cons with the re-opening of society.

Instead, I will work in depth with my novel and my little creative projects. As I will it, so mote it be.

A beautiful sunset by Sascha Due Madsen

The silence before a storm

Today the weather changed. Colder, rainy, less sunny. I´m feeling as if we are experiencing the silence before a storm. It´s day seven after a family loss, and we are coping by gut instinct.

I´m at my creative den with loud and fast music on my laptop. There is chai tea in my cup, my table is covered in notebooks and writing gear, and I´m doing research for my novel.

Something about setting, atmosphere, and physical background in a novel. I´m also working with my character journals and thinking about my next move with a new chapter or two.

I call it the silence before a storm because we are living in uncertain times, and I just feel that we have only seen and heard the top of the iceberg.

I have a low tolerance for the negative news stream, so I take it in sparse doses. Now they have expanded the number of places where people risk exclusion orders and big fines, if they don´t listen to the authorities.

The worst part is that some people actually say on rolling camera that they don´t understand being fined. When they have been trespassing police striping and thereby broken the law.

How stupid is that, move on and learn to listen the next time. And try to consider the reason behind the strictness in society. Again, it is egoistical and stupid behavior that makes trouble for us all in the end.

But the harsh reality is also that nobody knows what´s going to happen in the next two or three weeks. And the numbers are expected to rise, I think we´re in for a shock.

It´s only sad that these things apparently have to happen, before people wake up and sense that we have to change direction in life. There are so many things that need change for the better.

And appropriately, we may begin with our own behavior. I don´t mind using rubbing alcohol and gloves when I´m shopping. I don´t mind social distancing in public. And I don´t mind listening to the authorities.

Especially because there are many lives at stake here. I don´t quite understand the need to return to what was. Haven´t we seen about enough and heard even more that Mother Earth is aching?

A few months, and the modern world is at a standstill. Perhaps it truly is time to rethink quite a few lifestyles, and nobody can convince me about the deeper meaning by living life in the fast lane all the time.

It is not at all healthy to race between this and that in a constant hunt for whatever egoistical drive that only generates stress on both people and this planet.

This is not something that is going to disappear by itself, and the old world is forever gone. People need to listen and to learn now. And we need to focus on people who can handle all this positively.

Today, my concern was to be polite and kind toward the hard-working people in our local shop. An easy task because they know us for being just that every time we meet.

Also an easy task to work with my novel for a whole day without actually writing on the novel itself. Working behind the scenes is a much a part of the novel as is the writing part.

Another issue of the day has been the celebration of the Sabbath of Beltane on May 1st. It is going to be postponed due to my wish of being able to use a whole weekend on writing only.

My plan is to begin writing a couple of chapters during the coming weekend. Simply by closing the door to my creative den from Friday to Sunday and just write whatever comes into mind.

So I´ll plan the ritual Thursday and perform the magick on Monday. Thus uniting the mundane with the magick, I´ll create a ritual filled with love, healing, and inner peace.

Something tells me that I´m going to need just that. Feeling the silence before the storm is always eerie and sinister. Exactly the mood that I need for my novel.

I just wish that this feeling did not apply to the current world situation with a pandemic on the loose. I just wish people were clever. I just wish for the storm to calm quickly again.

I think I will tie the storm with knots in a piece of rope during my ritual. An old tradition for the seafarers since ancient times. And today we are all in the same boat anyway.

May the week be blessed with happiness, inner peace, good health, and kindness for us all.

Picture of PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay 

The human factor

I´m tired, I´m sad, I´m angry. People are getting so careless that it is visible and audible all the time now. I´m tired of the human factor, I´m sad people are so stupid, and I´m angry because it is not at all okay.

It is always the few that creates trouble for the rest of us. What is so important other than the ego factor, when people are acting so out of order that our police has to use resources to issue fines?

The human factor is always my worst nightmare. I don´t trust easily, and now I almost don´t trust at all. But the communication from above should also be more concrete, more precise, and more firm.

Things are sliding out of control, if our authorities do not act upon this tendency to gather more than ten people at recreational areas in not only the major cities, but more or less everywhere.

It is necessary to shop very early in the morning to avoid too many people not caring to use either gloves or rubbing alcohol. I don´t understand why they so stubbornly believe that they are invincible.

The virus doesn´t care about people other than in the ability to spread it even further than it already has been. And it´s not only in a time of crisis that the human factor shows its worst side.

We have brought up several generations now that are constantly told they are the eight wonder of the world. We are used to the helping hand from society when life turns out different than planned.

We have been so eager to outlive our egoistical dreams without caring for anybody but me, me, and me for decades now. At some point, things need to be adjusted to reality, and that reality might s well be now.

Because if we don´t adhere to the new world order in a pandemic era, we end up sick, dead or even worse, infect others that are more at risk than us. Wow, what a fantastic result from being egoistical and so careless that it stands out as deeply shameful and lousy behavior.

As much as I love my country and am happy to live in one of the world´s richest countries, I´m also deeply ashamed of being a Dane, when I see how careless and reckless my countrymen apparently can be.

We should know so much better, and the worst part, we have every opportunity to cope well, if we only cooperate and stand together in this terrible time.

But people seem more concerned about not being able to gather as we are used to. It has been pinpointed so often that this excitement industry was the only way forward in economical terms.

That people get personally offended, just because they are asked to stay at home for a period of time. It is not a big sacrifice in my opinion. It is a necessary and correct thing to do when a pandemic is ruling the world.

And I believe that we better start getting used to the new,, stricter terms of living, for it will hit us right up front, if we think that we know better than a virus that until now has shown absolutely no mercy at big gatherings.

The police is considering issuing exclusion orders, and the experts are warning us. What´s wrong with people, since it is so difficult to understand that personal priorities must yield for the sake of the lives of others?

I get so frustrated over this that I have decided to turn off the news stream of today, and probably tomorrow too. It pisses me off that although we do our best to follow the guidelines, others are so indifferent and seemingly out of educational reach.

The human factor is not fun at all, when things like this happen. It creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety and worries for us all. And it is not a healthy sign in society that so many are acting so egoistical and indifferently.

So I turn to counting day three without any signs of an anxiety attack instead. I need to write my heart out tonight, and I just know where to begin. With my novel that has been asleep long enough now.

I need to spend time with the fictional world rather than the tough reality of the human factor when it shows its ugliest side. I need to divert myself from stupidity and horrible news with being creative instead.

And I need to dream again. Dream about people helping each other, standing together, and working together for a better world after this pandemic era.

So tonight I will sing along with thousands of others that can handle the crisis with so much more dignity than the few that spoil everything for us all with their shameful behavior.

And I hereby wish you a beautiful weekend, dear readers and followers.

May the world wake up wiser and more caring tomorrow.

Picture of Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

About an hour

Beginning this blog post a 07.11 p.m., I need about an hour to write about something silly, however ordinary. It made me laugh most of the day, and I enjoyed the luxury of laughing at myself.

I have a serious issue with what I call Troublesome Everyday. It´s about everything formal, paper work, and those must do things like paying bills and checking accounts.

It takes me shorter time to write in hand than working with modern digital communication. All those codes, all those repeated work that once used to be done by, ironicallly enough, a machine.

So I try not to spend more time with it than I absolutely have to. Today, I needed to send an email to my counselor with my anxiety tree. That should be the shortest part of the story.

I have three printers. Two of them can only scan, because it is cheaper to buy the printer than the cartridges. One of those lack a USB-cable.

So my choice is either to unpack the new printer or go to my writing desk and look for number two with the cable. What I didn´t take into consideration was the fact that there here is a lot of stuff on top of the printer.

It took me forever to take away most of the stuff. Then I saw that I also had to get the printer out and remove the cable on its back. It would have been faster to unpack the new printer.

But I could not manage the trouble for my fingers, had I chosen the last solution. Adding the fun part to the story, it took three tryouts before the damn thing, sorry, would deliver the anxiety tree on my laptop.

So all in all, it took about an hour to write an email, where the writing consisted of five minutes of text. I simply acted silly and without warning, I began laughing at myself for having danced with technology like that.

What a waste of time it can be. However useful in so many ways that it is inevitable in modern times. And in this Corona-Era it is a necessary tool to have a window to the world.

I´m okay with technology. As long as it works when I need to use it, and the waiting time isn´t too long. Yes, we feel that many people are at home. But unfortunately too many are out this week and way too close.

But this week, the news are less prioritized. It is far more important that I take good care of my husband and our life together. I also chose to be a while out in the Sun´s warm rays.

But I grabbed my Writer´s Notebook and want to work with it tonight. Tomorrow, after a long, hot bath and a call from my counselor, I will close my door to my creative den.

And begin writing a completely new chapter that keeps coming into my mind. A different place and time in the novel, but with the idea of today. It is not literally writing, but it is the process leading to it that I focus on today.

In return for not physically writing on my novel, I had about an hour with a clever and talented seven-year-old girl. With homework and a little creative project as a welcome reward.

About an hour has passed now, as I have been writing this. It is time to dig in to some serious work with that novel. So, I will let me inspire by my Writer´s Notebook and go to bed early for once.

Plans and reality

Setting goals and making plans are necessary to add a certain structure and routines to one´s daily life. But these goals and plans have to be flexible at my space on planet Earth.

Because I never know whether I will be be able to complete a task or not. before it is done. Like today, where I took care of the laundry and had one good phone call and one that easily could have been better.

My father has been to town in bus, although everybody recommend not doing exactly that. He can even get help to buy his necessities, but he is stubborn and apparently believe he is invincible.

I have decided to only say well, that´s his problem, not mine. And I have also decided not to feel sad or upset about it. I can´t do anything anyway to make him understand the danger for himself and others.

My father is a narcissist, and I´m through trying to play his game. I love him deeply, but he can be such an egoist at times. So, now I´m prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.

The other call with my counselor was very welcome, and I´m so lucky that he will call me again on Friday. It is truly reassuring, and I know now that I´m on the right track concerning my anxiety.

But my writing plan was disrupted by a severe feeling of being mentally tired after the phone call with my father. Therefore, I allowed myself a longer nap and put the writing on hold for tomorrow.

Reality for me is that I often have to reconsider plans and goals, also when breaking them down to smaller tasks. As I did today at the same time as I am fighting a lot of physical pain on top of my depression.

Tomorrow, however, are completely free of any other plans than writing. After my morning coffee and a morning walk with the little wise, old dog, it is time to take a close-up look at my novel again.

I can feel that there are words building in my mind. And by waiting just another day, I have an inner gut feeling that it will be so much better than it would have been today.

Had it not been for a necessary inner showdown to help me stop worrying so much about my stubborn and self-absorbed father. He just won´t listen to common sense, and his way is the only way.

But not this time, I´m taking no more bullshit, pardon my French. My mother was also stubborn and waited until it was too late to let anyone know that she was seriously ill.

My inheritance was a big debt, and my father will also leave me a big debt. But I said no thanks. My husband and I have done more than enough to assist my father after my mother´s death.

Let him be stubborn and egoistical, it´s for time to decide what this will end up in. I´m not tolerating neither their debt or their egoistical behavior, although I´m speaking about my relationship to my parents.

It is not going to be an issue in my new life here. But, of course, it saddens me and it´s deeply annoying. It is no excuse that it is in the family, for people need to treat each other with respect and decency.

I try to remember the positive memories, but it takes time, for parental trouble takes it toll on the children too. Reality is that my parents always have done what they wanted, with no care for the opinion of others.

No, I´m not letting this pollute the good atmosphere here. So tonight, I try to relax and prepare myself for something so much better, my writing. There I have the upper hand, there I feel at home, there I know my way.

Plans and reality may collide often in my life, but I always try to make my plans realistic due to my physical and mental ailments. And when I get tired of myself, I usually accomplish them best.

Counting days

The last couple of months I have been counting days. Days with a positive outlook that is. I count because I know that living with generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety is filled with ups and downs.

Which would be okay most of the time, if my bipolar would work with and not against these anxiety friends that I have close to me whether I choose to accept or not.

It does some times. But typically, when the anxiety is worst, then I´m often in a terrible mood. Especially when in my depressive phase. The little anxiety attacks are annoying but something I can handle by myself.

The one that hit me tonight needs a lot of afterwork. My neighbors and friends for life helped me with a great talk over a fresh coffee. And now, an hour and a half later, I´m okay again.

Now, I´m able to relax and think about today. This morning I created a beautiful solitary ritual where I honored our ancestors and worked with healing intentions.

I managed to fight a bad shoulder and got the laundry inside, tomorrow I´ll put it in place and enjoy doing it in my wonderful house where I thrive more and more for every day.

And we had a great afternoon and early evening with our little rainbow family. The little home school runs again, this time we also discuss the situation of the world for a seven-year-old wants to know like the grown ups.

She went with me and the little wise, old dog into our local forest, and we enjoyed Nature for almost an hour with sunshine and a pleasant temperature. Fresh like Spring is supposed to be.

Tonight is the end of day one after a death in the family. Tears come easily, and everything will be okay some day, just don´t know when just yet. Knowing that it was peaceful is a major relief in all this.

So counting days are not unknown to me. I count the positive ones only, for clinging on to negativity doesn´t serve me anything at all. But I also count the special days that I´ll never forget. Yesterday and today are such days.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. Finishing the laundry, resetting my novel, and managing two important phone calls. First the one with my counselor who had something acute today, so we had to wait.

Then the mid-week call to my eighty-two year old father who until now has done everything possible to remain in good health.

I think I will able to begin writing for real now. I have a whole life of inspiration, I have fantastic surroundings and practical setting, and I know I can do it.

I keep track of my writing by adding a star to my physical calendar for every day without writing and a heart for every writing day. The star symbolizes hope in that my breaks often lead to better writing. And the heart symbolizes my love of writing.

And this special time in my life is so well suited to get some serious work done. It may take me longer than I have expected. But it will still be a fun and life-affirming journey that I simply can´t resist.

Counting days is also a releasing element in my many strategies toward my anxiety disorders. There is nothing more comfortable than being able to go through a day in the evening and find yet another positive one.

My husband is okay, however sad. He finds his peace of mind through living a simple, yet complicated life and gardening. I take great care in listening to what he wants. And I ask him what he needs.

I learned that from my grief process with my mother. It truly means a world of difference that other people and especially relatives do these two uncomplicated things for a loved one in grief.

Pick up the cell phone, call and ask what you can help with. Stand by your word when the day comes that you are so needed. Be present and take part in the process when you visit if that is possible, with all the necessary precautions of course.

Be prepared to hear and see it all. People all react differently. But be there, also if apparently no help is needed at first.

Grief is the price of love. But a price worth paying when we stop for a brief moment and think about all the gifts that love brings. Lasting memories and real time feelings.

I will end today´s diary entry counting my blessing and express my gratitude for the lessons given to me by life. And its counterpart, death. No life without death. No death without life.