Month: February 2022

Yesterday, I went to bed, wondering what my world would look like today.

I woke up to a big surprise, an optimistic expectation about a great visit. My sweet old neighbor asked if we would like her and my eighty-four-year-old father to come for a couple of hours today.

So we have been busy this morning, my husband and I. Now, we wait, my husband is in his beloved garden, and I do what I love the most to do, writing my weekly blog post.

It was the right decision to begin writing here on Sundays. It is my most relaxed day of the week, it is a perfect time for me to enjoy the writing, and it is a true gift of freedom to have this window to the world.

This week, we all saw and heard something that was not right at all. Therefore, my thoughts today go to the Ukrainian people.

Since Thursday, I have lit a candle for the world, and I will keep doing that every day.

Why war???

It makes absolutely no sense, especially not in these already troubled times.

Since Thursday, we have lived our lives with the sole aim to make the most out of every situation whatsoever.

We visited our good friends and created lasting memories together, old school people like ourselves. We follow what needs to be followed, but we turn the TV off and live our lives while there are lives to be lived.

And today is going to be both inspiring and life-affirming. As a direct contrast to all the ugly, the unjust, and the scary.

Therefore, I´ll leave you for a couple of hours and return later this afternoon …

… And now, it is late Sunday afternoon, and my father and our old neighbor are busy with a two-hour drive back to their homes up north in Denmark.

My husband, the little wise, old dog, and the three philosophical cats rest around the house. The TV is off. I listen to Nothing Else Matters on piano on Youtube.

I wear comfortable clothes and sit in safety in my home here in Denmark. And I pray a silent prayer inside myself for world peace.

The visit was a great success. Almost four hours went so quickly that I now need to rant a little bit. Now they are no longer here with us.

It is always a great joy to meet with them. And it is always sad for a while to let them go back to their everyday, as we carry on here in the southern part of Denmark.

Our sweet neighbor knows someone who is on the move to fight for their country right now.

Oh, it did sound so brave, so overwhelming. I will include it in my daily candle ceremony.

Yes, I´m a bit shaky today. But, it is a spirited and robust ride in the roller coaster of emotions this Sunday.

And although I shift abruptly from laughter to tears and vice versa, I´m more than okay, Self. Such visits inspire me for months every time.

The little wise, old dog rests right beside me. On his private dog couch with soft blankets, his beloved blue ball, and his pink piglet.

His sweet brown eyes are so calming to look at, his fur is soft, and he is the best four-legged furry friend, as are the cats, I could ever wish for.

To speak bluntly, dear readers and followers, this blog post is different in some funny way that is difficult to find the right words for.

I ascribe it to the outside world, and I try to shield myself as much as possible. But it keeps creeping up on me, and I can feel it takes its toll on me mentally these days.

However, we continue living our life to the fullest because the meaning of life is to live it while it is possible and to grab every moment of joy to create lasting memories.

And today became a good day, already from early morning on.

So will tomorrow and every other day that I have left because I decide it has to be so. There is no more living in the past and no more decisions based on an uncertain future. Only the present moment is what I need to be happy and content with my life.

When challenges come, I stand up and face them, one by one, I win some, and I lose some. But it works for us here, for I´m slowly, but unmistakenly, well on the liberating road to a manic time. When bipolar disorder is under control, it is possible to learn to live well with it.

It takes a considerable amount of hard work with the mental shadows that I have to deal with. It demands self-love and consequent introspection. And it means good as well as bad days, with the mixed version often at the very same time.

Today´s wonderful surprise was a true gift; thank you, dear Universe.

It was good to see my father and our old neighbor. It soothed my mind, heart, and soul. And it helped me keep focus on maintaining a positive outlook on life.

We even had coffee and cakes in the garden, although the temperature demanded winter clothing.

Now, it is time to rest a little bit, waiting for a call from my father. We agree that he always calls when he is home again after a visit. As I do, however seldom I travel up north. This is because I don´t drive anymore, and arranging transport is more accessible from the north than from the south.

My hands need some resting as well because I have written a lot this week, that hurts bad.

May your week be peaceful, dear readers and followers. May the world find peace within itself. And may freedom be granted us all.

As we will it, so mote it be.

Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again.  

For two days now, almost as if a gray curtain did drop upon us, the rain has been pouring both day and night.

The storms come, and they go, but every time it makes me think of my osteoarthritis all over my body. The pain is just worse on such days and nights.

Storm clouds and pouring rain, well, it most certainly does not inspire that much, so instead, I took the time and effort to try and rest a little bit longer today. I made it for almost an hour and a half. Then my afternoon nap was definitely over, as my hips and knees again made me painfully aware of my physical ailments on a wet and icy cold day.

Still busy working with the digitalization of my Book of Shadows, this week has been long, uphill, and in big contrast to the previous ones this year so far.

My depression is taking its toll on me these days. Old, long-forgotten memories from another time, another place, keep passing by, either due to sentiments from watching a great movie or from who knows where.

At the same time, my mixed episodes play tricks on my mind, so my sleep pattern behaves as were I manic and at full speed. Which I am, by the way, not at the moment.

Therefore, I´m more than tired mentally this week. The anxiety, however, seems to stay put in its corner far, far away from me. Thank you for that, dear Universe. It is truly a privilege to live right now without this excruciating terror from a feeling of fright so deep that it is almost impossible to describe.

Storm clouds and pouring rain further drain me mentally, as this constant grayish something simply annoys me after a couple of months now with first a very wet Fall and now in the last cramps of Winter.

However, an excellent ladies´ luncheon happened this Wednesday. Six hours of joy simply went by, as had we known each other throughout life. We communicate on a unique level of trust and human understanding.

Thursday and Friday mornings, I went on fine walks with a friend and the little wise, old dog. Then, at six a.m., but for the weekend, I decided to stay inside, as my hips began harassing me.

Due to this and my mental state today, this blog post is only half as long as usual. So I need to refill the batteries and take extra good care of myself.

That I will do together with my beloved husband, our little wise, old dog, and our three philosophical cats by attending to my digital Book of Shadows while listening to a binge-worthy TV series.

May your week be happy, life-affirming, and joyous, dear readers and followers. May the world find peace with itself. And may storm clouds and pouring rain halt to the advantage of the Sun and my mental well-being.

So be it. Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again.

As if I gradually felt the world sweep my feet away, leading me firmly yet soft down into the endless well of depression, so I landed this week.

Fighting back every inch of the way, now, this Sunday, I sit by the well with my feet dangling over the bottomless depths of my well of inner turmoil.

This week has been quieter than usual; however still busy as Hell. A couple of days have been tough to deal with due to my trouble accepting the depressive side of living with bipolar disorder with mixed episodes.

A beloved guest whirled in the new week with contagious laughter. So I fight back, with laughter, well, right now more like a silent roar into the depths of this bittersweet well of a mixture between happy and harsh memories.

With Tuesday came a minor trip to the oldest town in Denmark, Ribe. There the big girls and I went shopping in a fairytale-like shop, filled from bottom to top with embroidery, sewing machines, and loads and loads of accessories.

But, knowing the hard way it means, in reality, to live according to a strict budget, I kept my cool. I bought 10 meters of leather twine for my dream catcher project later this year. And I got an offer I need to save the money for. A brand new sewing machine, a dream coming true when I get there.

First, I need to save money for a new laptop, as this one is limping, sneezing, and doing all sorts of mischief, wildly unexpected and often rather tricky to fix.

Wednesday and Thursday were perfect for forging a new alliance, the beginning of a friendship, the kind that is rare and, perhaps, therefore, more precious and something to handle with great love and care.

Friday passed by, with me feeling worse and worse, one anxiety attack after another, however small-scale it seemed initially.

And then came Saturday, oh dear Universe, would you please remove that way too tight cloak of inner brain fog? Thank you so very much.

Today is better; however, I still hung over by yesterday’s many trips down anxiety lane, always helping bipolar disorder run alongside it.

Next week better show up with some fresh and mentally enriching energy. I will be the hostess of the next ladies’ luncheon Wednesday, and I really need to clear and clean my home.

So, we begin that tiresome journey tomorrow, my husband and I.

After this blog post, I must make one of my weekly calls to my now eightyfour-year-old father. He is so much more a fan of sports than I will ever manage to be, and he goes on and on with one result after another. But I listen and support his interest by trying to watch at least something every once in a while.

I woke up at five o’clock this morning, but I stayed in bed until a couple of minutes before 6 a.m. Listening to sports that early may seem strange to some people. But actually, it kept me calm inside so that I could work on my enormous amounts of materials for my digital Book of Shadows.

My husband went shopping and brought home all the good stuff for a fabulous Sunday morning meal. Then, after a couple of hours more with the keyboard and my notes, it was time for a longer nap on the couch.

And now, I’m sitting in my living room, messy hair, comfortable clothes, and warm slippers. A slight improvement of my mood tripping to take over from this week, where I went to Hell and back, fighting my inner demons again and again.

So, welcome back, anxiety and bipolar depression.

I really try my uttermost to learn to accept this side of the fact that living with it, well, it will continue to swing from one side to another, as long as I shall live.

But I believe it is just as important, if not, even more, to write about it to put a necessary end to all the prejudices that coil around mental disorders.

And therefore, I write today, even though I don’t feel up for it. This is because the writing has become so deep a part of me that I use it actively to counter the worst side effect of an unstable depression.

Before I know it, I have written 1,000 words in an hour or so. But then, I feel relief, inner calm, and happiness.

Tomorrow is a special day for us. We will have known each other for precisely thirteen years and six months.

Thanks to my support base of good people in my life, I got through a tough week without nearly as many anxiety attacks and dark thoughts as usual.

I take that as a sign of true magick, and I ascribe the success to my husband, who, in particular, is the cliff upon which I trust my life and my happiness.

But also my family and my true friends have worked magick, as I believe that a laugh and a good, long conversation with them can work miracles.

So, after all, this week has been overwhelmingly social in the best of ways. Of course, it takes its toll on me mentally afterward, but never mind, I’ll get straight back in the saddle by tomorrow after a quiet weekend of contemplation and deep shadow work.

May your week be merry, full of happiness, inner peace, good health, and kindness, dear readers and followers. May the drums of impending war silence themselves, may the peoples of the world come to their senses now, and may we humans reconcile and work together rather than fight.

May anxiety and depression leave as soon as possible, now that the first storks have landed in Denmark, a big surprise and an early indicator of the coming of Spring.

As we all will it, so shall it be. Thank you so, dear Universe.

Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again. 

And vice versa. One would not exist without the other. This week is the best possible proof of that.

My depressive side is back, yet everything feels fine. I ascribe it to my hard-earned knowledge about my bipolar disorder, from years without the proper combination of prescription medicine and therapy to happy days, weeks, months, and now, also years.

It comes from my backing, from my sweet husband, my beloved family, and my dear, dear friends. Without them, I´m nothing.

And I´m in the process of slow recovery from life so very different from any standard that I can think of.

In the darkness, there is light.

Oh yes, how do you describe the fact that someone close to you gave you a large sum of money, simply because they wanted to, for they really, really care about you?

It is a big secret for anyone else to know, as the same miracle will happen to their own grownup kids in weeks from now.

Then, the ability to sit tight and shut up indeed resonates in my body, mind, and soul. But it will be alright to whisper it here, on this blog of magickal writing.

I can only describe this week as enchanting, magickal, and wonderful. Finally, I managed to “land” my depressive side without usual trouble and toil.

It feels like hovering all over your Self, to slowly come closer and closer down to the ground from way above in the soaring skies.

I prefer that to the often hectic and anxiety-provoking episodes, where there is an abyss to conquer before acceptance of the inevitable becomes pure strength and power of an iron will.

But a lot has happened since last Spring. These new connections in my life, they have opened doors to paradise on Mother Earth.

For that, I´m grateful.

What I appreciate the most is the priceless honesty, the selfless community work, and the innate sense of decency between human beings.

The latter, perhaps the rarest kind of positive human behavior, can´t be bought for any amount of money.

This is what we have been lucky enough to meet and embrace in our life. A small flock of good people, oh yes, friends of the rarest possible kind; the ones you keep for good and forever.

In the darkness, there is light.

On the negative platform, well, being somewhat hit by depression, my pen may be slightly sharper than usual. And to speak frankly, I´m annoyed at my counselor, who didn´t contact me at all this week. At least, she or her employer could have texted me, and I wouldn´t have wasted practically a whole day from waiting and feeling annoyed.

So, I have decided to not text or call her until I hear from her again. This time, probably with my new-new counselor, who I will meet soon, as she and my present counselor will alternately visit me in the future.

Well, I´m not thrilled about it, but that is the term for that kind of help. And for the service, I´m more than grateful, however uphill shifts in counselors may feel.

Another upcoming issue is the transition from one lousy public digital solution to another, just as hopeless and really annoying as the present.

I will need to go to a public office and ask for help with that. And to do it, it is demanded that I book beforehand.

If I don’t do it, I won´t get access to my bank online anymore. But, what the heck, it has to be done, and so be it. It is annoying nevertheless.

But, besides that, everything feels fine, although I´m in a depressive state right now. Everything takes a little longer to handle, and the distance to the tears is shorter and much more abrupt.

I´m prepared for it, I know what strategies to use when needed, and I don´t dive as deep or soar as high as before.

I still feel the transitions, though, oh yes, way too much for my taste. That´s the most challenging part for me to accept living with bipolar disorder and anxiety as blind passengers in an otherwise fairytale life.

In the darkness, there is light.

My diagnosis speaks of mixed episodes, the type where you can be happy and sorrowful in the exact same moment, often several times a day for weeks or even months.

Right now, this is a significant advantage for me, as I´m able to push myself to the limit and sometimes beyond so that I generate just enough manic energy to function almost as usual.

My husband and I enjoyed a beautiful and calming Imbolc ritual Wednesday, on Groundhog Day. My altar, you can see on today´s picture.

I have now a jar with salt and seven bay leaves on my windowsill, my way of calling for Spring to come soon.

But I need to do some serious Spring cleaning around my home, especially in my Witch´s Den. First, I must finish a brand new miniature rocking chair made from clothespins, a piece of lace from an old curtain, and a few rhinestones. Its destination is a friend´s house. Then, I will have to do a thourough cleaning in my Witch´s Den and in my creative hotspots.

My week will be as busy as this year has been so far, almost from day one on the calendar. I haven´t been so sociable for as long as I can remember.

So it is really true. There is light in the darkness and vice versa. As it should be to me. Without the contrasts, how should I know my Self as it really is?

May your week be blessed with love and friendships, the good kind of people, and freedom from whatever makes you annoyed, dear readers and followers.

May the promise of the coming of Spring soon come true.

And may my depression lift to more comfortable heights as soon as possible.

So mote it be.

Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again.