A year ago today, I began the journey of not only writing on my blog but also trying to keep up with the more technical issues, the editing, and the contact with my readers and followers. I was deeply intimidated, shy, and scared that nobody would like my writing.
Now, I´m proud and happy. It was the right decision to write here. I relax after writing and enjoy both likes and comments. Thank you for your patience, your understanding, and your time. It is an honor to write for you.
The mechanical parts will have to wait a while. My feelings about life in general and especially in a pandemic era, my current health, and my body, mind, and soul tell me that it is okay to do things at your own pace.
There will be plenty of time next fall and winter to learn the necessary stuff. Meanwhile, this blog continues as a mixture of writing, witchcraft, and an online diary. I have yet to begin planning my activities for the next seasons.
Tomorrow, I will write about the second part of my anniversary, where the writing itself began for real. Tonight, I send you my best energy and lots of thoughts. Take care wherever you are. The time is different now, the terms have changed, and we all have to take good care of ourselves and each other.
Sitting in the yard, in the shadow next to the shed. The weather is perfect, however a bit hot, 27 degrees Celsius, app. eighty degrees Fahrenheit.
The birds sing about the joy of summer, and they do their flight training right above us.
Yes, it is truly summer, the day is free to do whatever we please. So I decided to write outside on a hot summer morning, on the cell phone, trying to show the feeling of freedom, inner peace, and deep relaxation here at my little big spot on Mother Earth.
The first day of this week without this inner anxious restlessness, the feeling of freedom is again present.
It is a major relief after four days in a row where every sense seemed to amplify and distort everything I tried to do to get better.
My common sense tells me that it is only natural to feel more anxious in times of trouble. Nevertheless, I don´t feel it that way that easily.
My anxiety disorder is treated as good as possible. Which means that I´m happy and content with only experiencing perhaps five percent of what anxiety might have been without treatment.
I wouldn´t wish for my worst enemy to have to go through life with anxiety and panic attacks as unwelcome guests at any time or place.
I never become best friends with my anxiety. It disturbs my everyday, it takes its toll on my personal strength, and it annoys me when I least expect it to.
But sitting outside in the garden on such a beautiful day with coffee, listening to the sweet tunes from the swallow, the blackbird, and the wagtail, immediately removes and releases any kind of negativity.
I´m okay now, Self.
The mild, cool, and comfortable summer breeze nourishes my body, mind and soul. My husband and the little wise, old dog rest right next to me. And even the local traffic behaves itself for the moment.
I´m working with my new spell book these days of mixed emotions. It seems to be a calming and soothing activity, although I don´t work with ritual when I have hard mental work to do.
It is creative, too, because I get new ideas along the way. I get a close look into my Book of Shadows at the same time. And I enjoy making my own recipes.
I´m also planning an inventory day where I will go through my witchcraft stock. Especially my two witchy kitchen cabinets need a makeover.
This weekend would be a perfect time to do just that, so that I once again get to know what´s hidden in the shadows of cabinets and boxes which ooze out mystery and sacred wisdom.
A wise friend taught me how to rest between breaks, to evaluate, and to recover and gather breaks.
For quite some time now, I´m at a slower pace than I´m used to. It is important to me to be able to un-stress my mind as often as possible, and to do that I need to withdraw every now and then.
I´m outside as much as I feel ready to be. But sometimes it is more soothing to stay inside despite the weather conditions.
It is an uneven fight these days. And I feel rather tired mentally. I get my seven or eight hours of sleep every night, so physically I´m okay.
I wish I could let go of that anxiety as easily as I can let go of issues from the past.
But anxiety knows its own ways best, and the most important thing to do about it is to try to accept that it is here to stay whether I like it or not.
Yet I find myself fighting harder than ever. My attacks are strong with an extremely sensitive nature.
My senses are overloaded to a degree where one part of me wants desperately to get away from that eerie feeling of extreme discomfort, both physically and mentally.
Another part of me knows the impossible in the situation, andddd tries to follow the twists and turns of this untamed roller coaster.
It can take from a few seconds, to a couple of minutes, to hours to recover from those out-of-nowhere attacks.
Then follow the days behind the scenes, where I recover further by taking my strict precautions for not risking worse attacks and longer recovery time.
I´m on day three until mow. Monday and Tuesday were long and tough to go through. The last couple of days have been acceptable, but today´s my favorite.
May your weekend be blessed with sunshine, happiness, and soothing relaxation, dear readers and followers. So mote it be.
My Litha Energy Bottle consists of herbs and crystals associated with abundance, happiness, prosperity, and good luck (carnation, lavender, saffron, lemongrass, citrine, sunstone, amber, and tiger´s eye).
Add a few drops of rose oil and leave it out in the sun all Litha day. Recharge with regular sunlight. I have it right next to my work spaces together with a spell bottle for creativity.
My Summer Solstice ritual was very peaceful and relaxing with honest Tarot cards which spoke about hard work ahead. They correspond well to my current trouble with my anxiety.
For, of course, my anxiety has returned these last two days. To a degree where I had to stay inside for dinner despite fantastic weather and good people around the table.
But I did manage to go out to the Midsummer bonfire tonight. I sat there for a couple of hours and enjoyed the friendly and funny conversation with my family and friends for life.
It is short today, due to my current recovery from two major anxiety attacks which have haunted me for two days in a row now. I´m extremely sensitive to sounds, sights, and touch.
It makes me tired, so tonight I´m going to bed early, in the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. When I feel better, I will return with my usual positive outlook.
It is one of these muggy summer days. It is just before Midsummer. And a thunderstorm with positive odds for regular cloudbursts. Whenever during the day and the night.
I´m in my creative den with fast-going music in my ears, fresh coffee coming up, and a mood in the higher end of the scale between highs and lows.
I will collect storm and summer rain water later today. To use in magick when the summer is long gone, and months in hibernation await me inside my dream house.
After this blog post, I will create a beautiful, mindful, and healing Summer Solstice witchcraft ritual. Where we celebrate the greatness of the Sun and its life-giving warmth. On next Sunday morning.
The news are turned off, there are no signs of any anxiety attempts, and from my writing spot the beauty of summer in my husband´s yard nourishes my eyes and my soul.
The air feels dense and constricting. The rain warms up the show with minor showers now and then. A cooling and relaxing bath in the afternoon will be a pleasant experience.
The outside world seems so far away even though its only a few feet way physically. We live up to a busy road, and the next phases in the re-opening of Denmark create more noise, more activity, and more stress.
But I´m prepared now. My choice with a higher dose of anxiety medicine has been a major success until now. I feel less stress, and my body relaxes easier.
I still get a few moments of unrest, but that is particularly when I either watches the news or something unexpected happens too fast around me. Anyway, I´m able to control the most part of it, at last.
During the week, I have been re-arranging and decorating my Book of Shadows. I have also been offline for I needed a break from the issues of the world today.
I can´t believe it is Midsummer already. How time flies so hastily that it can be hard to find the right pace for the soul to keep just a little bit up with this never-ending ticking clock of life.
This Spring has been the longest in my life so far. However, the summer races along as were the Devil in its tail. Soon, it is my birthday again, and another year has passed by even faster than usual.
On June 30, I have one year anniversary with this blog. It has changed during the journey from a troubled world to a pandemic world. I have changed personally, too.
But I stick to my core values and ideas with this. There will be more structure again. Just don´t know when right now. It feels better to just write these months, perhaps even years.
After all, it is a personal blog where I from the beginning clearly stated that this is a pagan space where concepts like witchcraft and writing would have the highest priority.
And where my personal inputs are visible, as if there were music in my words. I need to listen to and preferably play music every day. It helps me create the right mood in my different writings.
At the moment, I´m working with yet another idea for a novel. It is only two sentences long just now, but I know the words will come, e.g. around a bonfire in the garden.
This one will be written in my native born language, Danish, whereas the first novel will be in American English. Because I can, and to honor my grandmother to my mother´s side for being born American.
I can see now that my deadline for December 31 2020 may be way too short for me. But I will present at least a quarter of my novel because I have outlined enough for that.
My imagination was surpassed for three months by the outside world. It shook me for a while, it still try to haunt me, and yet, I´m ready to write a lot again.
I also want to create more solitary rituals, where I can work in-depth with my Book of Shadows, subject by subject. My biggest book project so far, which now contain five ring binders and eight Sabbath ritual books.
There is a lot of work and countless hours left building my Book of Shadows. I´m only done with about half the pile of ideas and chapters that is written in its temporary index.
It´s more than a hobby. It´s a choice of lifestyle, a path for the rest of my life, and a safe haven to rely upon in times of trouble. Witchcraft is as much a must here as is writing and living a simple, yet complicated life.
Just before a thunderstorm, there is tension and chaos in the air. The fire is awaiting in the lightning, the earth is preparing for the intake of water, which the weather forecasts warn about.
The elements are in motion, together, and Spirit, the life-force is keeping it all together in a symphonic harmony with Mother Nature. I´ll raise the stakes by gathering my storm water in the midst of the storm itself.
I´ll use the power of the storm in my magick after Midsummer and the Summer Solstice. I follow the rhythms of Nature throughout the year, and one of my methods are the use of collected rain water in my rituals.
Now it is time for some magick planning. And to wish you, dear readers and followers, a fantastic weekend with positive and life-affirming moments of joy, freedom, and happiness.
I will write about my Summer Solstice ritual on Midsummer´s Night next week. And then on Friday, I may surprise you with something different, perhaps even a short story, if I manage to write it in a presentable way.
The difference between a first draft and the novel in the end is only the hours used behind the scenes. The path is often long and lonely, but nothing compares to the feeling of fulfillment when the writing is done.
May the world by tomorrow know its full potential rather than pessimistic news, social unrest, and human stupidity. As we people will it, so mote it be.
Yesterday, I was about to begin writing this blog post. Then it happened. I got out into the outside world. Found decent clothes to a decent price. Not a single sign of anxiety at all, not even when in the car.
Yesterday, I was proud of my Self. I actually came out and met the outside world after months of voluntary home quarantine, except from the daily walks with the little, old, wise dog and local shopping.
But there´s is no place like home. My afternoon rest is changed to writing mode. I feel safe and comfortable again. Because I was on high alert all morning yesterday, and I need to rant a bit.
Being cautious is becoming a more and more rare event. People all over the world are acting as if we lived in the times before the Corona virus. To disobey in public is so commonly happening that it is boring.
Why, oh why, won´t people begin to think twice and stop acting out like crazy? As if there wasn´t enough trouble already, as if the shit is only about to hit the fan, pardon my French.
Yesterday evening, more than 200 cars filled with people in the mood for an illegal street race gathered in the outskirts of my little town. They got caught and fined, for we can only gather fifty people at a time just now.
No, there´s absolutely no place like home left outside my house and my garden. Here we treat each other with respect, here we are loyal to our last breath, here we communicate and thrive.
Everywhere else is no place for me. No thank you, I prefer being at home to a degree that is impossible to describe. I´m so grateful that I´m early retired and able to do exactly that, stay at home as much as possible.
Shopping trips are carefully planned so we only have to go when it is necessary. And it is a good time to shop in the morning after the worst traffic jams and hectic being busy stuff.
I´m allergic to involuntary stress due to outside factors, especially the human one. I use so much strength to come through it, so I try to keep it at the lowest possible level.
Yesterday, I had my husband and my two closest friends with me on the trip. It is necessary with help because I don´t drive myself anymore. I have had a couple of serious anxiety attacks behind the wheel.
Therefore, I don´t want to drive and risk it again ever. But it is a small price to pay, and my two friends and family members are sweet to drive for me when I need to go out further than I can walk.
The trip went fine, but there´s no place like home. I have now used a day to vent and to think of everything else but the trip. The important thing was to get through it as the better me.
And it was a success. My visit with with counselor yesterday morning outside in the garden was also interesting. I have been offered to try acupuncture needles in my ears (NADA) and to use a special light lamp.
I have tried both before in my life, and I can only recommend it to others. It´s safe and extremely effective. So it´ll be good to try it again when it is possible and also completely free (in Denmark we pay high taxes instead).
I decided to write my blog post today instead because my energy level was pretty low after the trip. But that is to be expected, and besides, I write better when there is less adrenaline racing through my body.
Today, I have been playing with a sweet four-year-old girl. We also went to the new playground that has been built over the last couple of weeks for the children of our little town.
My writing session is to the sound of children having fun in the garden. And my good results with the extra medicine continue, I haven´t felt so good in months, even years.
There is no place like home when it has to do with learning to live well with an anxiety disorder and being bipolar at the same time. I know that exposure to whatever frightens you often can be an effective strategy.
But it also has to mix well with the main parts of my life that is lived right here, at home. So for me it is a conscious choice only to go out when I have to. I don´t miss the previous stress levels in my life at all.
And I prefer being around a small number of people in my everyday because I need to concentrate and direct my energy when I´m around people, even those close to me.
I feel boxed in with too many people around me like in a shopping mall, and I try to get away from them and the chaos of sounds, voices, and visual impressions that often is the tough reality to deal with.
Therefore, careful planning and preparation is an absolute must here, before we engage in any outward activity with me involved. But it´s never an issue, here we help each other through the difficult stuff.
No place like home when I for once is proud of the better me who proved her worth yesterday. Tomorrow, a seven-year-old girl is to play and have fun here. And I love it, no matter how tired I am the remains of the day.
As for today, however, the big master plan is to relax and do as little as possible. To enjoy life to its fullest, to wear new clothes after a long hot bath, and to prepare for a week with the promise of summer.
May your weekend bring you joy, happiness, and love, dear readers and followers. Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again. As we will it, so mote it be.
Sitting on the couch in my living room on an on and off sunny early afternoon, I feel comfortable and safe. I´m home where I prefer to be, and that not only due to a pandemic.
Denmark raises the number of people allowed to gather together tomorrow to fifty people, and all indoor sports activities are included. There are to be many more little by little re-openings.
From my window to the world, it is a great experiment where many things can and will go wrong. And I know we have to begin somewhere. But I still believe it´s just the silence before the storm.
The weather forecast speaks of heavy rains and regular cloudbursts for this afternoon. I´m awaiting the storm with calm in my body, mind, and soul. For the rain will soothe my thoughts of the outside world.
To a point where it doesn´t matter so much. I need not go anywhere if I don´t feel ready for that. But eventually, I will do it. With the strictest of precautions, for I don´t trust people that easily.
From my window to the world, I have my good reasons for such a statement. I have known many different people, but always ended up only trusting a minimal few besides myself.
The human factor is the most unpredictable fact to consider when speaking about leaving my home and entering society in a larger scale than I´m used to for months.
So when we plan the day when we go shopping for new clothes, it will be early in the morning, shortly after the shop has opened, for I want to go when there are as few people as possible in the streets.
And it will be a quick and efficient visit. I don´t want to be out there for longer than I have to. No, this is my refuge, my sanctuary. Here I feel for the first time in my life that I belong. This is home. This is bliss.
Living quite isolated makes me feel secure. I have been around many people a lot of my time earlier in life, and now this simple, yet complicated lifestyle suits me best.
Here I thrive, I grow mentally and emotionally, and I live my life. Enjoy every day as were it my very last one. Always keen on learning new tricks along the path, for who said that an old dog cannot be taught.
My sweet little, wise, old dog knows how to shake paws, can sit on his behind with his front paws high up in the air, and can still mark an area as his own with great enthusiasm.
And can he, so can I learn new tricks. One of them is to remain in control of my anxiety disorder, so that it doesn´t control me instead. And until now, the medicine has done its part.
I´m mentally released. At least for a while, as this pandemic continues to turn everything upside down. I notice the behavior of other people, and I take my strict precautions. Then no one can do more.
Besides, it is becoming so rare an event that I leave my local area for very long periods of time. I have no need for it, unless it is for buying new clothes, as Mother Nature changes, so doesmy body.
Being fifty years old, I´m happy and content with my looks, my life, and my path of writing and witchcraft. But occasionally, the old clothes need to be replaced by something more practical and comfortable.
But I´m confident that it will be a good trip, once it is well over and done with. Because I know then that it will be another good long while before yet another trip to the outside world.
From my window to the world, today is dedicated to writing some leftover notes that need to go into my Book of Shadows. To planning a Full Moon ritual, and to re-read my material for my novel until now.
The painting must wait until tomorrow, for my arthritis and my mood are to finish some loose ends rather than beginning new projects. So it is with plans and ideas. Sometimes it is a go, other times it is a no.
Today is no to racism in every form, no to stupid people doing stupid things, and no to do more than absolutely necessary all day long. But it is a yes to life as it comes, with all its blessings and challenges.
I´m leaving my window to the world for now. The remains of the evening will be spent being as comfortable as possible, doing what I love the most, and thinking on nothing and everything at the same time.
Now that the medicine is back on track, the thundering, racing thoughts are present, however silent. I don´t mind them in the present moment, and they haven´t been annoying me for almost two weeks now.
Freedom has come instead. Freedom from anxiety and feeling of constant stress. I want this to continue, so I will work with it in my Full Moon ritual on Tuesday.
And with these words, dear readers and followers, I will wish you a productive, life-enriching and happy week. I will be back on Friday to let you know how everything´s going around my spot on Mother Earth.
On a quiet summer evening, it is soothing and relaxing to know that my GP agreed on a higher dose of anxiety medicine. For I know it will help me conquer my anxiety sooner or later.
Day nine with this dose, and only a few attempts to shake my world has been the direct effect. I have also slept markedly better, and I feel I have a little more energy for the things I love to do.
The weather changed abruptly yesterday. Yet another rainy and cold day after more than a week with the temperature of summer all day long. I feel instantly the change in my lower back.
So I have been busy recovering from devilish back pain that comes and goes as it pleases. It´s been a while without back problems. Usually, my knees are making the greatest spectacle.
On a quiet summer evening, it feels comfortable to write about the little things in life that often matter the most. No shaking all over the body, no increased heartbeat, and no fight to keep calm and relax.
To me, to be free from anxiety is bliss. I have been fighting it for so long now that it almost feels as were I on a long-term vacation. Knowing that the trees don´t grow into heaven for a reason, I´m content for now.
This weekend, I will use my newfound energy on creating a beautiful Full Moon ritual for Tuesday next week, on a new painting, and on the work with my novel that has been postponed long enough now.
Tonight, I will relax the whole evening doing as little as possible. Then I know that tomorrow will be just as I want it to be. Filled with sparkling creativity, happy laughter, and deep conversations.
On a quiet summer evening, a thunderstorm is lurking in the clouds coming from the west. It just cycles around us, as would it tell us who is the most powerful.
With a little luck, there will be fresh rainwater to collect tomorrow morning. To be used in sacred witchcraft rituals and to water the house plants.
I need to go through my witchcraft supplies once more. I have bought a few things that need to go into my inventory list. Or else I risk to forget about them due to the fact that I could easily open an old curiosity shop.
I literally have everything I need and even more so. I feel privileged, but I also earned most of it by hard work, years of deprivation, and tears. It is my fortune, but nothing comes without a price.
On a quiet summer evening, I think of my ancestors and bow my head in gratitude. I think of my rainbow family and my friends and smile. I´m happy and content with my life.
I met the outside world yesterday at the hairdresser´s. It was okay, but I was happy to be home shortly after. I´m not changing my behavior, I still take my strict precautions when in public.
Soon, we are to get out and buy new clothes. I need to prepare myself thoroughly, for I don´t feel safe for long in the outside world. And I´m not sure whether that feeling is permanent or at least of long-term duration.
But I know it will be without risk of anxiety attacks because I will use every strategy available on the day, including prescription medicine. I´m definitely not a fan of medicine, unless it is necessary.
It helps me, however. And so it is, then I will use that strategy too. May your weekend be anxiety free, blissful, and memorable, dear readers and followers.
Life is a funny thing. Just as you think you have been through hell and back, you wake up one day and everything turns 360 degrees without prior warning.
I usually compare it with the thought of riding a roller coaster on the loose. As for now, I´m on day seven with being happy and content by living in the present moment.
Eagerly awaiting my first visit since Corona year one with my counselor later this morning. Because he can help me convince my GP that we need a checkup on my anxiety medicine.
And relaxing with some writing about how it feel to beat anxiety fight by fight. There are little ripples on the mental ocean, but they are easily detected, and until now they behave to some degree.
I´m on a life-long journey. And it is an everyday issue to handle with care. Right now, the ride is rough, there is at the same time a higher mood to duel with too, and I feel a bit tired.
But it is only natural to feel tired as things have evolved worldwide. What is the point in meaningless violence, destruction, and negativity in its worst versions?
I try to escape from the news as often as possible. Instead, I look for the involuntary hilarious stories about people doing stupid things. This weekend I found two, and I´m still laughing when I think of them.
The first was about a man who got so angry at a neighbor that he took his bed and placed it in an intersection and went to sleep there. The other story was about a man who was so drunk that he peed in his pants and sat in the cold cuts before he stole two beers and got caught.
So, my mood is bright and clear. I´m having days of high quality. And things are going well here. But I know it is only the beginning of the journey, there will be bad days too.
Then I will try to remember all the funny things I have experienced throughout life and laugh until the tears are rolling down the cheeks. Laughter is healthy.
Riding a roller coaster for the rest of my life is okay, as long as it is possible to control it. I have discovered that my GP has given me the very minimum dose of anxiety medicine.
So, perhaps I´m on a too small dose. But to get him to help me, I need a statement from my counselor. It is a long process, help is not to be taken for granted with my GP.
But I will fight for this. Seven days of freedom from anxiety due to a pill, well, it is a small prize to pay for getting your life back. I know it helps, now I only need to convince my GP about it too.
When I get tired of myself, I look myself in the bathroom mirror. A demanding task at times because looking into my eyes at a time of discomfort is looking into the strictest eyes of my inner judge.
I use the same look in my eyes when I need to tell someone that they are getting too close to my most private sphere. It works immediately. I don´t like to see that expression in eyes too often.
It may sound harsh, but to me it is an effective strategy to pull myself together and face the music, cut through negativity, and keep on the hard work to become the better me.
The last six days, however, there has been no need for such. I am fully convinced that many of my troubles have to do with the low dose of anxiety medicine and too much concern for what others say and do.
I know that prescription medicine is not the only solution. And I don´t want more than necessary. Been there, done with that. But I want to feel much more what I have been feeling for more than a week now.
Life is like a roller coaster at times. But it is okay, as long as the ride is as predictable as possible for I don´t like any surprises along the way. I have had my time with troubles, now I need to live a peaceful life.