I turned off the news

I turned off the news. I simply can´t read anymore about people without understanding of the seriousness of this pandemic. And even in my little town, people are more careless and noisy.

It doesn´t help that we don´t hear a thing from our Prime Minister these days, where more and more people openly are acting against all guidance about necessary precautions.

My weekly call from my counselor was about my anxiety tree. My sixth day of being anxiety free has been replaced with inner turmoil and restlessness that only a mandala and a writing session can handle.

With loud music on, of course, to divert myself from all angles. It feels as if some kind of change is waiting for people to do even more stupid things than some already do by not listening to the authorities.

And, in this case, I prefer not to be proven right. But my eyes and ears don´t lack precision. The number of cars in the street has risen during the latest week, and people now shop with their kids again.

The worst part is that we won´t see the result before three to four weeks from now. And I´m just not ready or the slightest interested in any rising numbers, as things are nowadays.

So I protect myself by only checking the news occasionally when I´m e.g. zapping between TV channels for something to look at in the evening. Typically, I read the news in silence and then sigh deeply.

I have decided not to care when it is something that I personally can´t control. As long as we are taking the correct precautions here, people can do whatever they want. As long it is not near me and my loved ones.

So, I turned off the news. Instead, I resort to little creative projects like cutting a paper eagle to the window in my witch´s den or coloring a mandala drawing.

This morning, I promised my Self that this should be a good day. Filled with equal amounts of laughter and tears, a fair amount of dedicated work with my novel, and plenty of creative pursuits.

It is cloudy, allusive with rain, and chilly outside. My husband and the little wise, old dog rest, and here in my creative den it is cozy and comfortable. I have a window to our yard and can follow the seasons close up.

At the moment, I´m researching the setting and the overall atmosphere in my novel. I´m studying magnificent Nature on my laptop and the wild birds outside my creative den.

There have been many visits from the European magpie couple, the house sparrows, and the wagtails. We also got starlings, swallows, and an owl nearby.

After I turned off the news, I feel completely relieved. It´s almost as good as had I just finished a witchcraft ritual. Speaking of which, it´s my goal for tomorrow to plan a beautiful Beltane Ritual for next Monday.

The magick of today showed itself in my little home school. A little girl, only seven years old, used half an hour to create a beautiful picture of a sunset with seagulls and an atmosphere of untamed life and beauty.

As the evening draws near, I have changed locations, so that I´m in my living room right now. Nothing on TV, therefore a working night. I´m working with my character journals behind my novel.

It is fun because here I really get to think more than twice about using the five senses in my work. And the worse situation, the better writing. There need to be high stakes that rise when you least expect it.

Combine a wild nature with the dark sides of the human mind. Then there is tension in more than one way. So I´ll put my characters in jeopardy right from the beginning.

It is demanding for it takes more time to create a strong and plausible character for a novel than I expected. But I prefer to work thoroughly with my background material, before I use it creatively in my novel.

Two whole days now, I turned off the news. I feel so much better, and my tendency to shiver and feel inner turmoil has finally shut up. It is a major relief and a major victory.

I´m also much more creative and feel my freedom grow. So that´s my new strategy, as few news as possible whenever I feel fit for it. General orientation, yes, long talks about for and against the re-opening of society, no thank you.

Thanks to our choice of lifestyle, the pagan way, we have conquered our lives back during the last four years. And we will never regret it. I don´t miss what was before the pandemic at all.

I can get most of my needs covered with local and online shopping, so why should I miss the malls, the big crowds, the constant stress from racing from one activity to the next without pausing to think about the difference between wants and needs?

I miss the big panorama from a trip into Nature, like going to the sea and gather stones and seashells. But I prefer to wait until it´s safer to be around other people.

My wants are covered by common sense and by saving the necessary money before buying anything other than the daily necessities, like food, medicine, and household items.

It´s been one of the truly good days without too many side effects from my physical and mental ailments. I have been productive, I have been creative, and I have diverted my Self from the outside world.

So, turning off the news is definitely something I´m going to do a lot in the near future. I have other things to do that are much more important than to watch and listen to yet another haughty debate on TV about the pros and cons with the re-opening of society.

Instead, I will work in depth with my novel and my little creative projects. As I will it, so mote it be.

A beautiful sunset by Sascha Due Madsen


The silence before a storm

Today the weather changed. Colder, rainy, less sunny. I´m feeling as if we are experiencing the silence before a storm. It´s day seven after a family loss, and we are coping by gut instinct.

I´m at my creative den with loud and fast music on my laptop. There is chai tea in my cup, my table is covered in notebooks and writing gear, and I´m doing research for my novel.

Something about setting, atmosphere, and physical background in a novel. I´m also working with my character journals and thinking about my next move with a new chapter or two.

I call it the silence before a storm because we are living in uncertain times, and I just feel that we have only seen and heard the top of the iceberg.

I have a low tolerance for the negative news stream, so I take it in sparse doses. Now they have expanded the number of places where people risk exclusion orders and big fines, if they don´t listen to the authorities.

The worst part is that some people actually say on rolling camera that they don´t understand being fined. When they have been trespassing police striping and thereby broken the law.

How stupid is that, move on and learn to listen the next time. And try to consider the reason behind the strictness in society. Again, it is egoistical and stupid behavior that makes trouble for us all in the end.

But the harsh reality is also that nobody knows what´s going to happen in the next two or three weeks. And the numbers are expected to rise, I think we´re in for a shock.

It´s only sad that these things apparently have to happen, before people wake up and sense that we have to change direction in life. There are so many things that need change for the better.

And appropriately, we may begin with our own behavior. I don´t mind using rubbing alcohol and gloves when I´m shopping. I don´t mind social distancing in public. And I don´t mind listening to the authorities.

Especially because there are many lives at stake here. I don´t quite understand the need to return to what was. Haven´t we seen about enough and heard even more that Mother Earth is aching?

A few months, and the modern world is at a standstill. Perhaps it truly is time to rethink quite a few lifestyles, and nobody can convince me about the deeper meaning by living life in the fast lane all the time.

It is not at all healthy to race between this and that in a constant hunt for whatever egoistical drive that only generates stress on both people and this planet.

This is not something that is going to disappear by itself, and the old world is forever gone. People need to listen and to learn now. And we need to focus on people who can handle all this positively.

Today, my concern was to be polite and kind toward the hard-working people in our local shop. An easy task because they know us for being just that every time we meet.

Also an easy task to work with my novel for a whole day without actually writing on the novel itself. Working behind the scenes is a much a part of the novel as is the writing part.

Another issue of the day has been the celebration of the Sabbath of Beltane on May 1st. It is going to be postponed due to my wish of being able to use a whole weekend on writing only.

My plan is to begin writing a couple of chapters during the coming weekend. Simply by closing the door to my creative den from Friday to Sunday and just write whatever comes into mind.

So I´ll plan the ritual Thursday and perform the magick on Monday. Thus uniting the mundane with the magick, I´ll create a ritual filled with love, healing, and inner peace.

Something tells me that I´m going to need just that. Feeling the silence before the storm is always eerie and sinister. Exactly the mood that I need for my novel.

I just wish that this feeling did not apply to the current world situation with a pandemic on the loose. I just wish people were clever. I just wish for the storm to calm quickly again.

I think I will tie the storm with knots in a piece of rope during my ritual. An old tradition for the seafarers since ancient times. And today we are all in the same boat anyway.

May the week be blessed with happiness, inner peace, good health, and kindness for us all.

Picture of PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay 

The human factor

I´m tired, I´m sad, I´m angry. People are getting so careless that it is visible and audible all the time now. I´m tired of the human factor, I´m sad people are so stupid, and I´m angry because it is not at all okay.

It is always the few that creates trouble for the rest of us. What is so important other than the ego factor, when people are acting so out of order that our police has to use resources to issue fines?

The human factor is always my worst nightmare. I don´t trust easily, and now I almost don´t trust at all. But the communication from above should also be more concrete, more precise, and more firm.

Things are sliding out of control, if our authorities do not act upon this tendency to gather more than ten people at recreational areas in not only the major cities, but more or less everywhere.

It is necessary to shop very early in the morning to avoid too many people not caring to use either gloves or rubbing alcohol. I don´t understand why they so stubbornly believe that they are invincible.

The virus doesn´t care about people other than in the ability to spread it even further than it already has been. And it´s not only in a time of crisis that the human factor shows its worst side.

We have brought up several generations now that are constantly told they are the eight wonder of the world. We are used to the helping hand from society when life turns out different than planned.

We have been so eager to outlive our egoistical dreams without caring for anybody but me, me, and me for decades now. At some point, things need to be adjusted to reality, and that reality might s well be now.

Because if we don´t adhere to the new world order in a pandemic era, we end up sick, dead or even worse, infect others that are more at risk than us. Wow, what a fantastic result from being egoistical and so careless that it stands out as deeply shameful and lousy behavior.

As much as I love my country and am happy to live in one of the world´s richest countries, I´m also deeply ashamed of being a Dane, when I see how careless and reckless my countrymen apparently can be.

We should know so much better, and the worst part, we have every opportunity to cope well, if we only cooperate and stand together in this terrible time.

But people seem more concerned about not being able to gather as we are used to. It has been pinpointed so often that this excitement industry was the only way forward in economical terms.

That people get personally offended, just because they are asked to stay at home for a period of time. It is not a big sacrifice in my opinion. It is a necessary and correct thing to do when a pandemic is ruling the world.

And I believe that we better start getting used to the new,, stricter terms of living, for it will hit us right up front, if we think that we know better than a virus that until now has shown absolutely no mercy at big gatherings.

The police is considering issuing exclusion orders, and the experts are warning us. What´s wrong with people, since it is so difficult to understand that personal priorities must yield for the sake of the lives of others?

I get so frustrated over this that I have decided to turn off the news stream of today, and probably tomorrow too. It pisses me off that although we do our best to follow the guidelines, others are so indifferent and seemingly out of educational reach.

The human factor is not fun at all, when things like this happen. It creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety and worries for us all. And it is not a healthy sign in society that so many are acting so egoistical and indifferently.

So I turn to counting day three without any signs of an anxiety attack instead. I need to write my heart out tonight, and I just know where to begin. With my novel that has been asleep long enough now.

I need to spend time with the fictional world rather than the tough reality of the human factor when it shows its ugliest side. I need to divert myself from stupidity and horrible news with being creative instead.

And I need to dream again. Dream about people helping each other, standing together, and working together for a better world after this pandemic era.

So tonight I will sing along with thousands of others that can handle the crisis with so much more dignity than the few that spoil everything for us all with their shameful behavior.

And I hereby wish you a beautiful weekend, dear readers and followers.

May the world wake up wiser and more caring tomorrow.

Picture of Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

About an hour

Beginning this blog post a 07.11 p.m., I need about an hour to write about something silly, however ordinary. It made me laugh most of the day, and I enjoyed the luxury of laughing at myself.

I have a serious issue with what I call Troublesome Everyday. It´s about everything formal, paper work, and those must do things like paying bills and checking accounts.

It takes me shorter time to write in hand than working with modern digital communication. All those codes, all those repeated work that once used to be done by, ironicallly enough, a machine.

So I try not to spend more time with it than I absolutely have to. Today, I needed to send an email to my counselor with my anxiety tree. That should be the shortest part of the story.

I have three printers. Two of them can only scan, because it is cheaper to buy the printer than the cartridges. One of those lack a USB-cable.

So my choice is either to unpack the new printer or go to my writing desk and look for number two with the cable. What I didn´t take into consideration was the fact that there here is a lot of stuff on top of the printer.

It took me forever to take away most of the stuff. Then I saw that I also had to get the printer out and remove the cable on its back. It would have been faster to unpack the new printer.

But I could not manage the trouble for my fingers, had I chosen the last solution. Adding the fun part to the story, it took three tryouts before the damn thing, sorry, would deliver the anxiety tree on my laptop.

So all in all, it took about an hour to write an email, where the writing consisted of five minutes of text. I simply acted silly and without warning, I began laughing at myself for having danced with technology like that.

What a waste of time it can be. However useful in so many ways that it is inevitable in modern times. And in this Corona-Era it is a necessary tool to have a window to the world.

I´m okay with technology. As long as it works when I need to use it, and the waiting time isn´t too long. Yes, we feel that many people are at home. But unfortunately too many are out this week and way too close.

But this week, the news are less prioritized. It is far more important that I take good care of my husband and our life together. I also chose to be a while out in the Sun´s warm rays.

But I grabbed my Writer´s Notebook and want to work with it tonight. Tomorrow, after a long, hot bath and a call from my counselor, I will close my door to my creative den.

And begin writing a completely new chapter that keeps coming into my mind. A different place and time in the novel, but with the idea of today. It is not literally writing, but it is the process leading to it that I focus on today.

In return for not physically writing on my novel, I had about an hour with a clever and talented seven-year-old girl. With homework and a little creative project as a welcome reward.

About an hour has passed now, as I have been writing this. It is time to dig in to some serious work with that novel. So, I will let me inspire by my Writer´s Notebook and go to bed early for once.

Plans and reality

Setting goals and making plans are necessary to add a certain structure and routines to one´s daily life. But these goals and plans have to be flexible at my space on planet Earth.

Because I never know whether I will be be able to complete a task or not. before it is done. Like today, where I took care of the laundry and had one good phone call and one that easily could have been better.

My father has been to town in bus, although everybody recommend not doing exactly that. He can even get help to buy his necessities, but he is stubborn and apparently believe he is invincible.

I have decided to only say well, that´s his problem, not mine. And I have also decided not to feel sad or upset about it. I can´t do anything anyway to make him understand the danger for himself and others.

My father is a narcissist, and I´m through trying to play his game. I love him deeply, but he can be such an egoist at times. So, now I´m prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.

The other call with my counselor was very welcome, and I´m so lucky that he will call me again on Friday. It is truly reassuring, and I know now that I´m on the right track concerning my anxiety.

But my writing plan was disrupted by a severe feeling of being mentally tired after the phone call with my father. Therefore, I allowed myself a longer nap and put the writing on hold for tomorrow.

Reality for me is that I often have to reconsider plans and goals, also when breaking them down to smaller tasks. As I did today at the same time as I am fighting a lot of physical pain on top of my depression.

Tomorrow, however, are completely free of any other plans than writing. After my morning coffee and a morning walk with the little wise, old dog, it is time to take a close-up look at my novel again.

I can feel that there are words building in my mind. And by waiting just another day, I have an inner gut feeling that it will be so much better than it would have been today.

Had it not been for a necessary inner showdown to help me stop worrying so much about my stubborn and self-absorbed father. He just won´t listen to common sense, and his way is the only way.

But not this time, I´m taking no more bullshit, pardon my French. My mother was also stubborn and waited until it was too late to let anyone know that she was seriously ill.

My inheritance was a big debt, and my father will also leave me a big debt. But I said no thanks. My husband and I have done more than enough to assist my father after my mother´s death.

Let him be stubborn and egoistical, it´s for time to decide what this will end up in. I´m not tolerating neither their debt or their egoistical behavior, although I´m speaking about my relationship to my parents.

It is not going to be an issue in my new life here. But, of course, it saddens me and it´s deeply annoying. It is no excuse that it is in the family, for people need to treat each other with respect and decency.

I try to remember the positive memories, but it takes time, for parental trouble takes it toll on the children too. Reality is that my parents always have done what they wanted, with no care for the opinion of others.

No, I´m not letting this pollute the good atmosphere here. So tonight, I try to relax and prepare myself for something so much better, my writing. There I have the upper hand, there I feel at home, there I know my way.

Plans and reality may collide often in my life, but I always try to make my plans realistic due to my physical and mental ailments. And when I get tired of myself, I usually accomplish them best.

Counting days

The last couple of months I have been counting days. Days with a positive outlook that is. I count because I know that living with generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety is filled with ups and downs.

Which would be okay most of the time, if my bipolar would work with and not against these anxiety friends that I have close to me whether I choose to accept or not.

It does some times. But typically, when the anxiety is worst, then I´m often in a terrible mood. Especially when in my depressive phase. The little anxiety attacks are annoying but something I can handle by myself.

The one that hit me tonight needs a lot of afterwork. My neighbors and friends for life helped me with a great talk over a fresh coffee. And now, an hour and a half later, I´m okay again.

Now, I´m able to relax and think about today. This morning I created a beautiful solitary ritual where I honored our ancestors and worked with healing intentions.

I managed to fight a bad shoulder and got the laundry inside, tomorrow I´ll put it in place and enjoy doing it in my wonderful house where I thrive more and more for every day.

And we had a great afternoon and early evening with our little rainbow family. The little home school runs again, this time we also discuss the situation of the world for a seven-year-old wants to know like the grown ups.

She went with me and the little wise, old dog into our local forest, and we enjoyed Nature for almost an hour with sunshine and a pleasant temperature. Fresh like Spring is supposed to be.

Tonight is the end of day one after a death in the family. Tears come easily, and everything will be okay some day, just don´t know when just yet. Knowing that it was peaceful is a major relief in all this.

So counting days are not unknown to me. I count the positive ones only, for clinging on to negativity doesn´t serve me anything at all. But I also count the special days that I´ll never forget. Yesterday and today are such days.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. Finishing the laundry, resetting my novel, and managing two important phone calls. First the one with my counselor who had something acute today, so we had to wait.

Then the mid-week call to my eighty-two year old father who until now has done everything possible to remain in good health.

I think I will able to begin writing for real now. I have a whole life of inspiration, I have fantastic surroundings and practical setting, and I know I can do it.

I keep track of my writing by adding a star to my physical calendar for every day without writing and a heart for every writing day. The star symbolizes hope in that my breaks often lead to better writing. And the heart symbolizes my love of writing.

And this special time in my life is so well suited to get some serious work done. It may take me longer than I have expected. But it will still be a fun and life-affirming journey that I simply can´t resist.

Counting days is also a releasing element in my many strategies toward my anxiety disorders. There is nothing more comfortable than being able to go through a day in the evening and find yet another positive one.

My husband is okay, however sad. He finds his peace of mind through living a simple, yet complicated life and gardening. I take great care in listening to what he wants. And I ask him what he needs.

I learned that from my grief process with my mother. It truly means a world of difference that other people and especially relatives do these two uncomplicated things for a loved one in grief.

Pick up the cell phone, call and ask what you can help with. Stand by your word when the day comes that you are so needed. Be present and take part in the process when you visit if that is possible, with all the necessary precautions of course.

Be prepared to hear and see it all. People all react differently. But be there, also if apparently no help is needed at first.

Grief is the price of love. But a price worth paying when we stop for a brief moment and think about all the gifts that love brings. Lasting memories and real time feelings.

I will end today´s diary entry counting my blessing and express my gratitude for the lessons given to me by life. And its counterpart, death. No life without death. No death without life.

A family loss

This morning, my husband´s mother and my mother-in-law passed over the Rainbow Bridge. She had Alzheimer´s and was only 66 years old.

Instead of flowers, we donate a little sum to the science behind the disease.

We are not able to attend the funeral, so we mourn her and remember all the good memories with her.

As I´m writing this and cleaning my witch´s den at the same time, I think of my mother-in-law. She was a proud woman, with strong opinions, a big heart, and a heartwarming spirit.

A family loss is always tough to deal with. It hurts like hell, but we also know it was peaceful for her. So we take the day out of the calendar and take good care of each other.

Today, I write with a gentle sadness in my heart. I know the feeling, almost six years ago my mother passed too.

There is no recipe, no written student book, or any ways to tell how to react to grief. It is a constant factor, it changes only its strength and grip on you when it is time for that.

I don´t have the magick words to mend a wound like that. But tomorrow we will enjoy a beautiful healing ritual where we also will remember our loved ones that have passed the Rainbow Bridge during out lifetime.

Tonight, I prepare the ritual with love and compassion. Tonight, I take a walk down Memory Lane. And tonight, I´m there for my husband, right here, right now.

May she rest in peace. So Mote It Be.

Anxiety to the core

One thing is to have great plans about doing something. I slept more today than I planned for, and suddenly the whole morning was gone. I had sun in my face instead of cleaning and having witchy fun.

That is for tomorrow, yes, the novel must wait two more days, I need to create and enjoy a beautiful ritual first. Today, I made my anxiety tree for my counselor.

At the core of the tree, the roots, I have written the following sentences:

A tough life where I have met many different people in different situations that often went wrong, and the higher up in society, the worse.

Inner insecurity, not grounded in reality.

My body´s reaction to those things that my mind won´t remember.

My physical symptoms of anxiety are (the trunk of the tree):

Sweating, heart palpitations, strong feeling of discomfort (the-just-want-to-run-away feeling), stomach issues, mental tiredness (physical pain is more present), lack of concentration, physical tiredness (especially after an anxiety attack), inner turmoil and shaking, headache, nausea.

My psychological symptoms of anxiety are (the lower part of the treetop):

Inner turmoil and involuntary restlessness, the flight-reaction (isolation), the fight-reaction (taking in too many tasks and not listening to Self).

My internal impressions are a mind in constant state of alert and a feeling of déja vu (the human factor on the loose). My external impressions are e.g. sudden loud noises and a lot of activity going on around me.

Together this makes the following anxiety triggers (the higher part of the treetop):

Unexpected things (here-and-now decisions), the behavior of other people (especially if risky), stress and turmoil from outer factors, unpredictability in general, when it is impossible to divert myself in time to avoid an attack, when I don´t spot the early signs of an attack. The first three releases the anxiety, the last three amplify the size of the attack.

That is my anxiety to the core. Easy enough to write down, however living well with it is another matter.

And there´s only one way for me to handle that. And that is to work hard every day for the rest of my life to avoid as many attacks as possible. Every time it is a major victory to me.

Today, I will carry my three filled ring binders, my Book of Shadows, as it looks now, to my creative den. Prepare a welcoming and inspiring atmosphere by using some of my good stuff from the witch´s den.

Tomorrow, I will clean and recharge my witch´s den beginning right after my morning coffee and morning singalong.

And Tuesday, I will celebrate life with a beautiful ritual. Where the little details are both visual and chosen with great care. Wednesday, it´s novel time.

This time, I know I can handle making and keeping plans. I´m much better today, and I think I will place my anxiety tree close to me wherever I work and have fun.

Just by looking at it for a few seconds fills me with a strong fighting spirit. I will conquer this annoying anxiety today and whenever it may try to ruin my days.

I will show the tree to my family and friends. Sometimes the written word speaks more than speech itself. And it is difficult to tell about anxiety, especially if there is no apparent reason for it to happen.

It is even more difficult for relatives and friends to handle anxiety attacks in loved ones. Therefore, I need to tell them what´s going on inside me and what I need to control an attack.

Depending on the strength of an attack, I usually seek solitude, until it has passed. When it is very strong, I use prescription medicine that has full effect after a couple of minutes where I primarily focus on calming my breath.

When I have an attack outside my safe haven here, I either leave as soon as possible or work with my breath when I´m e.g. at the cash register in our local shop.

They know me there, so I´m usually free from attacks when inside the shop. Then the reaction typically comes on the way home instead.

So social distancing isn´t new to me. The circumstances, however, could be better though. It feels like living in a bad dream that is impossible to wake peacefully up from.

I divert myself again and again. I just turned off the TV and now enjoy listening to loud music in my earplugs so that my husband and the little wise, old dog can enjoy their afternoon nap in peace.

Soon, we will take the dog for the daily walk, and today I have decided not to let myself divert by the behavior of other people. I will keep my distance and be polite, if someone says hi bypassing.

But I will enjoy nature, the dog reading his kind of news, and the more than fair weather. And I´ll walk with my peace stone in rose quartz to touch if I should feel uncomfortable during the walk.

It was a good walk. But there were way too many people around my usual bench, so I moved to another bench while waiting for my husband to shop. The little wise, old dog and my stone diverted most of the anxiety signs.

Yet, I need to completely relax and calm my breath. People are getting more careless than I like to see and hear. We cannot afford to be careless during a pandemic era like this.

I sat in the sun for about half an hour and just enjoyed the warm rays in my face. Talked about this and that with my husband, listened to the kids playing outside, and felt happy about the beauty of the garden.

Beyond my garden back door lies the world outside. Inside here, there is peace and inner calm. A movie on TV, music in my ears, and fresh coffee in my cup. Anxiety to the core, director´s cut.

For right now, the winner is me. It is a snapshot in time, a close-up, a feeling described in words. With color and vivid imagination. And, backed up by real life experiences in real time.

It could only be more live with a camera, but I prefer to write with a pen name. My personal life begins at the threshold to my home, and that is a definitive decision.

I´ve seen a lot of certain parts of the human world. I have a strong need for privacy and personal space by nature. So getting older also means the possibility to actively pursue social distancing. In the physical meaning of the word.

And in general, because I have seen and heard more than enough of exciting, crazy, and stressful events. Today, I listen to my body, and I know that I have to take extremely good care of myself, especially mentally.

That does not mean that I´m not into social matters. I just prefer the ones where there are only a few people physically around me. And the online conversations that can mean a world of difference on a truly bad day.

As can my family and my friends. Living in a rainbow family and extending it to my online friends and followers is enough to me.

May your week be blessed with happiness, inner peace, good health, and kindness, dear readers and followers.

As the quote goes (author unknown to me):

“Happiness is the new rich. Inner peace is the new success. Health is the new wealth. Kindness is the new cool.”

An evening walk

The little wise, old dog curled up his tail and did his sniffling business as a pro on our walk a little while ago. I enjoyed the sunshine, but I also noticed way too many people around.

The same problem is occurring around the major cities. And probably a lot of other places too. Apparently, it is difficult to understand that although there has been some re-opening, we are also not yet through this at all.

Another problem is that there isn´t enough space for the kids in the schools so alternatives are debated. Yes, it is too early, when such important matters keep showing up.

But I keep my promise and only check the news a few times a day. I can´t cope with major doses of bad and frightening news. I´m full of impressions already, so I need personal space.

Went to my creative den, finished an ironing project and enjoyed the Sun through the open windows to the sound of fast beating drums and rhythms of dance music.

But I didn´t manage to begin any new projects, for my racing thoughts and my involuntarily shake made it impossible to find the inner calm I always work with when being creative.

So I look for tomorrow instead. To spend a whole day in my witches´ den is suitable when trying to conquer a depression in the midst of a world in a major crisis.

Tonight, I remain thoughtful, for I don´t like that people are getting more and more careless. My husband also noticed too many people gathering outside an ice cream shop.

Well, how much I love the taste of ice cream, I will not go there for a very long time now. I will not take that kind of unnecessary health risk. And on our walk, the picture was the same.

It makes me angry and sad that people are being so untimely stubborn. It makes me want to stay even more at home. It is an anxiety trigger that I only can control by letting it go and pray and hope for the best.

My anxiety is awake today, but it leaves me fairly at peace. At least for now, at least it is possible to rise from defeat to victory, at least it brings me peace to write about it.

But I also use enormous amounts of strength to keep getting up again and again. I sleep more these days, I think it is my body ordering me to relax and let go of what no longer serves me.

However, I enjoy the feeling of accomplishing little chores, little projects, and little magickal pursuits like lighting healing candles. I try to do a little something every day, no matter how I feel inside.

I need to keep myself diverted from the world of tough reality. So tonight I will work with my anxiety tree, so that I can discuss it with my counselor on Monday or Tuesday next week.

An evening walk clears the mind, and I needed that. I can feel that change is coming around the corner. I don´t like it at all, for it may mean even worse news and more restrictions.

Looking at the world as a whole doesn´t make it any better. People need to behave themselves, however understandable the frustration may be. It´s my worst fear, the human factor on the loose.

Tomorrow, I will work slowly. Truly enjoy cleaning, cleansing, and recharging my witch´s den. I will light candles, use my new incense, and sit and meditate half an hour.

Then I will take my Book of Shadows to my creative den, where I will plan my next witchcraft ritual. Thus uniting the practical and the creative aspect, I will try to maintain that balance for the week to come.

Soon it is time to celebrate the Sabbath of Beltane, on May 1st 2020. It is a different Spring this year. Therefore, I have decided to use all the good stuff as much as possible.

My eyes just caught the worsening news. Now, stop me, Self! No more news for today, please, dear Universe, keep me guided on the right path. With writing and witchcraft as the center of my life.

So mote it be.

Picture of John Hain from Pixabay 

Restoring energy

Another day with big plans but also a sneaking depression. My energi level is lower than usual, so I admit, I have spent the day restoring energy rather than doing any creative projects.

My peak of the day came when we had lunch outside for the first time this year. My little something arrived, a new book about crystals and stones, a Mala necklace, and a lot of new incenses, e.g. frankincense and myrrah.

After lunch, I lit some of it outside in my dragon burner. It was a delicious and refined smell. And the Sun poured down its soothing warmth. It was a blissful moment.

The whole afternoon I have been bingewatching TV, sleeping, and done as little as possible. But I think so well after a whole day of relaxation. A weak spot before in my life because I used to live with a lot of stress.

Now I have the means and the opportunity to take much better care of myself. One of the ways I do that is to discipline myself to only watch the news a few times a day.

More and more people are seen and heard now. And some of the professions like hair dressers and tattooists are allowed to open on Monday, April 20.

I follow the news on a longer distance today because I need to let go of what I cannot control. The only thing I can control is my reaction to what happens. So I choose to let go and to recover from my depression.

Yesterday was a beautiful celebration of our Queen. Today has been a joy with only a few signs of stress and anxiety. I guard myself with medication and meditation, however.

Restoring energy became my goal this morning since I felt extremely mentally tired. The inner peace came slowly after a cozy talk with our closest family and friends and lunch outside.

A feeling of complete freedom for a silent moment. And then some TV to just look at without over-thinking everything. And a long nap with the little, wise, old dog close by.

Tomorrow, my day begins with my morning coffee and a long hot bath. After that I want to spend a couple of hours in my creative den. Without any disturbances, with incense, candles, and loud music.

And Sunday I will spend cleaning my witches den thoroughly and planning my next witchcraft ritual. That is mentally freedom to me, and I earn it by fighting my disorders and aliments hard against hard.

Next week, my plan is to begin working with my novel again. I have to break my own silence by doing something that is both creative and hard as hell. A writer´s job is to write, and it is about time I do exactly that.

In general, I need to disconnect for some time. From an outside world that is far apart from that of mine here. I need to re-focus on what truly matters to me.

Restoring energy is just one baby step to regain control over my depressive side. Never going to be a friend of mine, it´s a strong inner battle, where I have to use many resources to secure victory.

But every time, it has been worth the trouble, for I become stronger for each time. Now I also understand and know a lot about being a bipolar with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and ADHD.

My big force is that I´m able to transform my racing thoughts into words worth reading. For I write with the brutally honest intention of doing my best every time and preferably better by long practice.

The next step is to do something creative and practical at the same time, so that the creative pursuit is the reward for pulling myself together and get up every morning with the intention of enjoying life.

And first then, after this weekend, it is time to return to my writing project about a novel, a psychological thriller. There´s plenty of inspiration right now, but I prefer to work with a fictional story.

Realism right now is almost surreal, and I still believe it is way too early to open so much up, as they plan to. But I have decided to let go of my fears, for time will show what happens.

I hope and pray that they know what they are doing. My personal trust is only to my closest family and friends. But that´s not new in my life, I don´t trust easily.

I trust that I´m safe and okay. That is all the security I need. The rest is hard work and dedication in everything I do. Restoring energy is a sacred duty here.

Remember to rest between breaks, as my dear friend told me. And believe me, the world needs that people rest between breaks. May your weekend be filled with sunshine and moments of deep inner peace. So mote it be.

Picture of John Hain from Pixabay 

Congratulations, Your Majesty

Today. our Majesty the Queen, Margrethe, is eighty years old. Happy birthday and may the Sun always shine on you. So Mote It Be.

All over our country, people were singing and playing their hearts out. So also in this, we are together, only apart. It was very touching, and I sang along with tears of joy running down my cheeks.

Four songs, each known to and loved by us all. And we saw her coming out, not on the balcony, but on stairs.

And she is going to address the Danish nation, tonight at seven p.m. It is so extraordinary, it makes me proud to be a Dane.

That being said, I´m on day two of the gradual re-opening of Denmark. Yesterday, I got so extremely tired of myself.

So today I managed the laundry and went shopping with my husband long before eleven a.m.

My energy is renewed by a longer nap and a good plan about being creative a whole day tomorrow.

The weather is beautiful and warm, and the little, wise, old dog enjoyed his walk a little while ago.

I´m emotional today. It takes nothing before the tears begin. It´s this uncertainty that´s shaking my inner world.

But that´s okay too. Allowing myself to feel with all my senses might seem overwhelming and at times also painful.

I have a whole life to laugh and cry about. And these days, it´s apparently my most emotional side that wants to let go.

Of uncertainty, terrible news, and anxiety combined with depression. And this is my way of doing it. It helps a lot.

Today, I listen to great orchestral music and celebrate my victory over the laundry piles. Believe me, I can feel it in my lower back right now.

But it was worth the effort. I contributed with something tangible and decided to relax and wait with the creative pursuits until tomorrow.

Tonight, we will listen to our Queen and sing along with thousands of others.

May tomorrow be bright and full of creative potential. As I will it, so mote it be.

Picture of Prawny from Pixabay 

Opening days, day one

So came this day where a little seven-year-old girl went to the real school again.

Yesterday, my counselor texted and asked, if I would like a phone call today at app. eleven o´clock.

It has helped so much. My self is okay again, but they had been extremely busy, he told me. Many people have difficulty handling all the changes in the world.

During these opening days, I have decided to write daily again. It is important therapy for me, and it´s my window to the world right now.

I just bought a little something online to be happy about without ruining the budget. Could I afford it with food and medicine too, I would gladly do it.

For the world outside doesn´t attract me anymore. Except for the walks with the dog, I want to stay at home as much time as possible.

Day one began with a major nightmare that made it impossible to sleep any further this morning. Took a small nap, however, just before the phone call.

I know that I´m depressed for a time. So I take baby steps again-again. I have a thing to do before my next call Monday or Tuesday next week.

To draw a tree with the stress factors that affect my anxiety, to get close to what triggers me. It is shadow work on a deep level, trust me.

Being sensitive to all what the five senses can show up with, my stress comes from all angles, and I never know which one will hit me next.

But especially loud noises, too much going on at the same time around me, and unexpected things to consider, are my kind of triggers.

So my stress level is tougher to deal with now. Because it is an inner stress that keeps feeding my anxiety when it is most inconvenient.

It´s good to be able to put such feelings into words. It both helps me and my relatives to understand and also cope with it without going crazy.

And it is necessary to adapt as quickly and as mentally pain free as possible to the demands of this new pandemic world.

It is better today. I could enjoy my coffee in the garden with my closest family and friends. Last night I ate separately, due to me, not to them.

I also took a short nap in the afternoon, and now, after a soothing walk with the dog without any signs of anxiety, I trust that the evening will be quite alright.

My goal for tomorrow is to do the chores before I begin writing or planning my next ritual. Perhaps I will succeed this time.

I have had a long period now with depression, I think. The process has been slow, but surely. And therefore, I fight back as soon as possible.

My many minor anxiety attacks have been a shadow to the real problem. I need to be better to handle my depressive side.

Today, I write myself out of it, tomorrow, I´ll work through it. And soon there is to be a witchcraft ritual again.

Day one may have begun in a truly bad way, but the remains of it seems to be okay and tolerable.

In the news, they´re discussing a further re-opening of society, but today I say so what, if they want to dance with the virus, let them.

We can only do what we do already, wash our hands, use rubbing alcohol often, and maintain the social distancing.

And that is exactly what we´ll do here.

So, I follow the news on a distance now. It is necessary to remain calm and assured that everything will be okay again, some day, but no more when.

One thing is for sure, this virus has not shown its full potential yet. And this will last many more years to come, for all the economic aid from the government has to be payed back sometime.

There will be bankruptcies, more casualties, and more uncertainty for so long a period of time that we might as well adapt to the new circumstances now.

Living with anxiety has become excruciating real, and it takes a lot more work than even I thought it would when I finished almost 3 years of therapy last year.

But it is also so liberating to be so open about it. It sort of takes the feeling of immediate danger out of it. And, if my words happens to be of any help to others, my goals are met.

So, see you tomorrow, dear readers and followers. And keep up the good spirit, we are together in all this, only physically apart.

Picture of Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

A walk with the dog …

… a hot and long warm bath, and lunch after a short trip outside in the world outside my personal galaxy here in the southern part of Denmark, where I found a permanent home.

So I´m nourished by the sharp April Sun, I got my daily exercise, and I survived a minor anxiety attack when my husband went to the store during our walk.

It just flushed all over me, like a wave threatening to throw me around as if I were the smallest leaf. It only lasted a few seconds, but the icy sharp thorns of the feeling of acute anxiety still needs to be diverted into something more tangible.

Like writing about it to use it as a kind of self-therapy, instead of just waiting for something different to happen. There is this creepy feeling of being uncomfortable in a disturbing way.

It may also be the side-effects of my prescription medicine, but nevertheless, it´s annoying and unwelcome. People are taking unnecessary risks, like not using gloves and rubbing alcohol in the store despite being in one of the risk group just by age.

Others may begin not to care either, so the trouble comes full circle.

One more day, and Denmark re-opens with children up to ten years of age, and the whole team behind them as well.

Like a game of domino, the inciting incident is a thriller worthy. This is reality, however, so my inner stress level is very much awake. I´m as much a hermit as I can possible be, and yet I´m still anxious.

It´s the uncertain human factor that worries me most. People are capable of so many things that I prefer to consider and count my blessings here rather than listening to the news today.

I´m happy that I don´t have to be outside for very long periods of time. I´m grateful that it is possible to live a good and safe life even on a strict budget. And I´m lesser and lesser anxious in my home.

A walk with the dog clears the mind. The dog is happy, free, and doing what a dog is supposed to do on a walk. I speak with my dog on our walks. Although he doesn´t speak back, his body language tells me everything.

Today, he spoke, however, when he spotted my husband coming out from the store. He jumped up and down, the tail went crazy, and he sat down by himself before my husband had his treat ready.

His voice was audible all over the little square, he was happy, he was sweet. He is almost ten years old, and he is a true companion, friend and family member.

Here we continue to take our precautions, and today my thoughts go to the sick and the people helping them. They so deserve salutations, for it is a troubled time indeed.

And I can´t help but think that the growing pressure about re-opening society is way too soon. It feels as if this virus is only waiting for people to act careless so that it can change its ways and strike when we least expect it.

What´s the rush anyway? Is it really worth the price in human lives to be so eager to return to what was before? Was everything before so necessary and almost a sacred duty to adapt to?

I most certainly think not. Instead, we should use the time to truly rethink quite a few lifestyles across this always so divided world. The potential is right here in us people when we only dare to cross the mental borders between us.

I feel and sense that from my conversations with people from many different parts of the world. Thank you also, dear readers and followers, for sharing your stories with me.

At the same time, I know there´s nothing I can do about it, except from writing honestly about it. And I try to live my life as good as possible despite a pandemic era outside my safe haven.

Today, the music in my ears is pure distraction, because the news was even more disheartening than usual. I´m taking extra good care of myself by doing as little as possible. I need to rest a lot these days.

Tomorrow, I will go to my creative den and my witch´s den. First to warm up with a little creative project or two. Then to clean and cleanse my witch´s den for any leftover stale energy.

And one of the coming days, I will make another healing ritual to let even more go than I have done recently. This time I will have the full setup with decorated altars and all the good stuff out of the cabinets.

A walk with the dog in the forest after such a ritual will be a good way to release racing thoughts and anxiety, as will a bonfire in the garden later.

That and the well-being of my family and friends will have my attention this week. A relative is in hospital after a heart attack, so we have enough tension for just now.

I don´t need more anxiety or more stress, but I can handle it, Self, I´m okay. I have also done everything possible to remain calm, and I react each time an anxiety trigger shows up.

Right away, I try to use my many strategies, and if they don´t help, I turn to a walk with the little wise, old dog. He knows more than he shows, as do my three philosophical cats.

They are closer to me when something is wrong. It is as if they understand so much more than many humans do.

For now, everything feels okay. For the time being, the news can be news as much as they want, we have turned them off. Perhaps there is an old movie to laugh and cry with.

May the evening be pleasant and anxiety free for us all, wherever we are.

So Mote It Be.

A world on hold

Behind the keyboard, a Saturday, almost evening. The weather is boring, the news is disheartening, and I´m mentally so very tired. Over politics and knowledge from before all this went so crazy, over people stealing alcohol at a hospital and acting like spoiled brats, over an impatient world on hold.

But I´m getting better by the hour now. The silence is better today, calmer, more comprehensible. Living in a world on hold is not as bad as it may seem, had it not been for a deadly virus that has no regard for anything but destruction.

I don´t miss the noise, the stress, and the egoism. My everyday has not changed that much, for before all this I had already chosen an alternative lifestyle.

Because I had grown apart from the standards of modern society. Because I no longer could cope with the stress level in a so-called normal life, whatever that normal may be or not. And because I found my own path in witchcraft and writing.

At the same time, living in a world on hold is scary, unpredictable, and demanding. However much I try to keep the outer world away from my everyday, it still comes back to wrestle with my patience and inner peace.

So today, I will try to keep up the good spirit by writing about how we cope with a world on hold.

We literally have everything we need and much more than that. We are a team of like-minded people who want a quiet and yet complicated life without the chaos from a stressed world.

And we give each other personal space to do things on our own, when the need for solitude shows up. Most of my life, I´ve been around many different people.

So to seek solitude every once in a while is not new to me. But only in recent years it has been possible to choose a lifestyle with both elements of solitude and unity.

Now this crisis shows up, and all of a sudden, my private world is affected deeply already. Not so much in terms of lifestyle, but with regards to my mental ailments.

It´s been a tough ride so far, and there is no signs of possible relief from this new outer stress factor, the human reactions to disease. It´s what´s not usual that I´m noticing, when I´m writing about silence that is being broken way too soon.

So I take my own homemade precautions and stay at home as much as possible. Even more than I usually do, which is most of the time anyway. But now there´s nothing out there except from daily necessities and medicine that has my interest.

If I need to buy something else, I use the Internet shops. I´m not the big boutique shopper, however, so it suits me well to shop from home the few times I need that on a strict budget.

A world on hold also means that I´m my own therapist these months, and I´m getting more and more concerned about my counselor, so I´ll write to him as soon as I finish this blog post.

To tell him that I´m okay so far. I fight every inch of the way, as I´m used to, but today I know that I´m not alone. Millions of people fight daily with mental disorders, and it is not at all easy during this pandemic.

But it is possible with the right personal attitude toward it. Never to use it as an excuse not to try fighting back is my main attitude. Seconded by my strong will that want me to feel better when I´m down and blue.

Now, the silence is only broken by the music in my ears. Beautiful instrumental pieces that soothe my racing thoughts, calm me down, and affirm my belief that everything will be okay some day, just don´t know when for a really long period of time.

As the world, I´m on hold.

The silence is broken

The silence is broken. By too many cars racing up and down the street. By too many people outside in the streets. People are getting more and more impatient.

Am I a dreamer without a cause, since everything before all this still seems so attractive that people already begin to let go of common sense? Is that stressful world really so fantastic when we stop to think for a moment or two?

The silence is broken. But it is a creepy feeling that it leaves me with tonight.

I already miss the silence before the cars again invaded the streets. I´m anxious about next week when the little children are to begin daycare, kindergarten, and school up to the fifth grade.

And in the midst of all this, I´m still recovering from my depressive side of being bipolar. Today has been blessed. No anxiety attacks, no tears yet, and no racing thoughts.

A few more days, and I will be okay again. The inner silence is broken by my creative and organized side. Went through some papers, began a new little project with a mini canvas and glitter glue, and cleaned my creative work spaces around the house.

I prefer the outer silence to the inner where demons lurk and past ghosts haunt. When I´m silent, there is something wrong. Then I´m typically recovering from something stressful.

Usually caused by constant inner stress or by the world outside. I prefer my own troubles to the major issues of the modern world. I have done my duty in society, so much that I had to be early retired.

Mother Earth is recovering, too. And we really need to listen to her, to change our lifestyle, and to think more than twice before we turn back to the normal that was before the Corona-crisis.

The way forward is not to keep on doing whatever suits us no matter the cost to other people, Nature, and the world as a whole. Egoistical behavior has made it easy for a deadly virus to kill and to destroy so much for years to come.

It it about time that we humans think of a better and safer way to live here on planet Earth. The old faults should not be repeated, history has libraries full of the bad examples.

The silence is broken too soon, too much, and too visible and audible. People are lowering their guards by not doing what we are supposed to do. To stay at home and to care about others by adapting our behaviors to the new circumstances.

I try not to think of any possible scenarios, if people keep on being egoistical and stupid. I will sing with the majority tonight instead. And I will let the tears run freely.

It´s okay to cry. It cleanses the mind, it releases many difficult feelings, and it heals the scars of life. I cry when I can´t help it, and I´m also very open about it.

But just as soon as the tears have passed by, I´m back to the usual happy me. I´m happy by nature, and I´m rarely angry. I´m grateful for my simple, yet complicated life, and I count my blessings.

Tonight, my thoughts go to the lonely and the sick in this world. May the Universe watch over you and guide you on your paths.

The inner silence is broken, finally. On day four of my latest recovery, the mental fog is almost gone. The next couple of days I will work even harder, however, for I want to be sure that I win this fight over my depressive side.

And I will try to work with my novel again after a brainstorm in the weekend with my husband.

May your weekend be blessed with sunshine and lots of online hugs, dear readers and followers. And may people stay at home rather than racing through the streets.

Picture of S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay