It it chilly outside, but the Spring Sun shines bright nonetheless. It is a spark of hope on a Sunday afternoon, where the numbers are steadily rising, saddening my heart.
Earlier, the silence was broken by the happy laughter of three children playing. Now, we are all resting, waiting for the celebration of a four-year-old girl, whose birthday arrangements had to be changed.
But we still try to create as perfect a day for her as possible. There will be a treasure hunt for her gift, a soft unicorn teddy bear. And we will have birthday cake and homemade pizza for dinner.
Day 4 now without any anxiety attack. On a Sunday afternoon, it is soothing to be able to relax both in the body, the mind, and the soul. I let the thoughts race their own way today.
I can only do my best, and so far my strategies work. But I also know that I´m buying myself time for the anxiety is strong, and sooner or later it probably will show up without prior warning.
Then I will be ready to deal with it at the moment it shows its teeth and growl at me. With an immediate time-out and these months a good cry. Supplemented by prescription medicine, when it is necessary.
I know that all this drains my strength and that I might have to recover quite some time when the world is calmer one day again.
But I live under the best possible conditions, and I´m used to live without too many people around. So my home is my shelter, my refuge.
On a Sunday afternoon like today, I feel safe, I feel whole, I feel change inside me. For the better.
I´m learning to trust myself for the first time in my life. The art of saying no and to stand by yourself, when it is necessary to step a little back and saying straight out that something is not okay.
It is a difficult art, especially because my goal besides taking good care of myself is to be as kind as possible toward people. It demands diplomacy which is becoming a strong trait in me.
I´m no longer so scared of conflicts for I believe that they are necessary to be able to grow mentally. Self-respect shows its worth right now, where we are going through the worst crisis since WW2.
I don´t seek conflicts unless it is relevant for my novel, but I don´t run from them either. And it takes much more today to get me involved in a conflict because I prefer to talk my way through it.
I´m perfectly able to get angry, but it´s extremely rare. Today, it pisses me off, pardon my French, that a group of journalists are attacking our government for the lockdown of the society.
They dare to ask if the life of elderly persons are worth the consequences to society. Have they not understood the seriousness of this? This virus attacks both the old population, those around 50 and also young people.
How much is a life worth, a calculation I would hate to have to make.
This is already deeply affecting everybody on planet Earth. So, hello press, please shut up and help instead. Not by being politically mean in the worst possible situation for any country to be in.
But by bringing trustworthy news rather than playing the grumpy old man who is unhappy about not being able to do the usual bullshit. And by seeking the positive lights in this dark tunnel of worldwide fear and losses.
My thoughts today go to those who have lost a loved one to Covid-19.
Later, I look forward to my phone call with my 82-year-old father. He is listening now, I hope, and hopefully doing well. I spoke with him on Thursday, so I´m praying for good news tonight.
I have other family members who are getting older, but we live our separate lives, and they never call me. The reason behind is locked up in a box in the farthest corner of my mind and soul.
I tried to stay in contact for many years, but every attempt was turned down after a short while. So however much I would love to hear their voices, I also know that I don´t want to get hurt ever again.
On a Sunday afternoon, it´s time for a treasure hunt with a sweet four-year-old girl. That is my reality, my life, and it is so much more valuable than a vague dream of meeting family who couldn´t care less.
May your Sunday be blessed with sunshine and happy laughter.
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