Day: August 12, 2020

So my dear friend got help, thank you dear Universe. And he is missed. But it was necessary to get help. We will get through this together somehow, some day.

With the silence came a full switch in my mood, so I´m now at the lower side, but okay, my refuge is right here.

My medication does perhaps 80 % of the work behind the better me. The rest is entirely up to me to conquer on a daily basis. This is an ordinary Wednesday, and I have the late evening blues.

Meaning that I´m in my sacred space here behind the keyboard once again today. Got my second round of bad news worldwide. And I sigh deeply, take a couple of deep breaths, and begin writing.

I´m pretty concerned about the hasty changes coming forth like angry bees, and I feel like I have to face up to each one of them.

There´s too much going on at the moment. The noise is worse than the silence. And the human factor is even more unpredictable and unstable than it usually seems to be.

I have the opportunity to remain safe at home as much as possible. So to me the creeping, scary feeling of a world in free fall meets me every time I have to go out.

Every time it is a major victory to conquer me and dare to do what you fear the most. The behavior of other people when in public.

I have had good reason for quite a few incidents of trust issues. My life experience tells me to be careful around other people to not get hurt. Now, too many people together at the same time is the issue.

I know that I´m not alone in thinking that this is sad, this is strange, this is a whole new experience for us all, and this is serious for the world.

Right now, I work with dark goddesses and the gray part of magick. I´m on a full-time job with deep shadow work. And I think that a witchcraft ritual might help me letting go of what no longer serves me.

But it is way too hot now, it will be when the weather cools off a bit. I will call upon the aid and support of a couple of dark goddesses, for they are so misunderstood.

Darkness does not exclude light and vice versa. The key is to find the right balance between light and dark shades of life.

Having the late evening blues means jumping between highs and lows during the day. Every day until it switches back to the high side, from which I draw my creative drive.

That drive feels sort of disconnected when I´m depressive. I can reach out for it, however, because I´m also extremely stubborn when it comes to my mental health.

I have to fight back every day, to be the better me. Some days like today, I´m sentimental, grieving, and yet strangely happy.

Sentimental because I feel a sense of being so indefinitely lost that it hurts deep in my heart to see and hear people fight among themselves rather than working together to end this terrible era.

Grieving because I miss my late mother and am happy that she doesn´t have to experience this.

And strangely happy at the same time because we have this sacred spot on a desert island in the midst of a major human tsunami.

Living with fear close by is not unfamiliar when you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, and bipolar disorder.

Plus physical pain from hard work in my younger years. So, on a typical day, I get to know the full scale of emotions between three to five times a day.

But every time I see or hear about what is going on in the world, I get sad but determined. I have too many positive experiences right here, only waiting for me to grab them and enjoy them while there is still time to do so.

This is the late evening blues, and I write with pain between the lines. It is difficult to keep the balance and remember to write about the good stuff too.

Like when a sweet little boy, a sweet little girl, and their elder sister, their mother, my husband and I had dinner together.

Like three happy, laughing children in a pool together with me.

Like looking at my husband when he doesn´t know I´m watching him, and the look in his eyes, when his eyes meet mine.

But it is all there, right before me, to take good care of. To love and to help when it is necessary as it is right now.

So, it is the whole range of emotions that I experience when having a late evening blues.

I write about writing and witchcraft. And I also write about everything in between. About the things that hurt like hell, that make the difference, that makes it all worth fighting for.

It is perfectly okay to feel a need to rant, also twice a day when it is one of the heavy days as today.

I know my friend is in good hands, and I know everything will be just fine. Just don´t know when.

Tonight, I´m gonna watch the stars to see if I can spot some shooting stars with another special friend of mine.

And I will send another wish to the Universe. Please send me a little extra strength so that I can keep conquering anxiety and bipolar another day. Today, there are up until now no attempts to disturb my inner resolve.

About getting closer to the better me day by day. Baby steps if necessary, but the will to never ever give up.

So it is.

I call to you, I ask of you, I plead you…

Please send us humans a sign of better times to come. This pandemic era takes its toll on me. A dear friend to me needs help that I can´t give him. He needs experts in mental troubles, he needs a calm place, he needs peace of mind.

Please help him along the way, and please help humankind, too.

Dear Universe, I feel blue, I feel sad, I feel too sensitive right now. I need to rant, to scream without sound, to listen to strong music and equally intense lyrics this morning.

My counselor repaired me yesterday. With cognitive behavioral therapy and acupuncture needles in my ears and forehead. So that I can cope another week, so that I can pick up the broken pieces of me and move on, so that I can regain strength to fight anxiety back to its corner.

I´m not alone in all this. I have my family and my friends close by, but sometimes they are too close. Meaning that speaking with my counselor is another conversation.

It is only a conversation, but this team know what they are doing. They are the people that pick up the phone, that get into a car and drive home to you, if you need help. It is free and for all in my county.

They show true commitment, their aim is to help you help yourself to feel better. And there are so many out there that need exactly that kind of help right now.

Therefore, I don´t mind waiting for a call or a text about the next move, the next meeting, the next challenge to conquer together.

Right now, my thoughts go to my friend. I have been there myself a couple of times in my life. When life hurt so much that it is a relief to go to the psychiatric hospital.

The last time for me was only three years ago. I cried all the way in a taxi cab, because I was too upset to drive myself. And I remember the driver was used to driving with people in distress.

I also remember the tremendous relief when they listened to me and asked me, if I wanted to stay for some time to get better. Yes was my immediate answer.

The weeks up to my hospital stay we first thought it was my heart that made me curl up on the couch, shaking all over my body, the heart pounding as were the Devil himself coming for me, and all the physical and psychological symptoms of anxiety in full bloom.

9 months before my beautiful old classic car was stolen and burnt to ashes. It sent me into a whirlwind of major anxiety attacks, a severe mania, and lots and lots of fights with my husband.

Then my father got cancer. Then this and that happened. And then my body, mind, and soul told me to get help. It is a special day when you decide it it time to take the first step and call for help.

Dear Universe, thank you for giving me a guardian angel in my life. I have been used to live on the edge of life for many years, yet I´m still here, as good as it gets.

Please send another to my dear friend and to everybody that need love and care in this new world order.

I know it is a lot to ask for, but the world needs assistance. Things are not looking fine, we humans have trouble understanding that social distancing, the use of rubbing alcohol, gloves and face mask, and the necessity of caring for each other is so vital now.

Many people in my country still believe that the reality of the world has not changed dramatically enough to listen and do what we are told to do. And the re-opening of society is therefore put on hold.

Next week I´m going to sew a few face masks, if the shit should hit the fan and we can´t get more due to hoarding and the price.

Today, I get by due to strong will, determination, and fighting spirit. By sitting in the garden, by writing, by helping where I can with what I have got to give to others.

Which is not at all enough, but I have to save some energy for myself. It is a tough struggle these days, it is an emotional roller coaster ride, it is an uphill tour de force.

So, dear Universe, bear over with me, listen to my plead, show me a sign of better times. Like a happy and sweet little, wise old dog in the garden in a few minutes from now.