Getting back in the saddle demands a deep-felt commitment, lots of hard work, and a positive outlook on life in general. It is the only path forward, so I pull myself together once more to regain control.
The anxiety, however, remains peaceful and quiet. What I´m experiencing, then, is that my depressive side of being bipolar has some major challenges to conquer.
It would be way too easy to get overwhelmed by insecurity, self-pity, and a feeling of being inadequate. I would rather fight back than would I voluntarily expose myself to the downward spiral of depression.
So to avoid that, I need to put up a firm barrier between my Self and my shadow side. I also need to let my loved ones know that I, too, have transparent and fair limits for my commitment.
I can´t afford mentally to over-burden myself with fights that are not mine to fight. Therefore, I need to withdraw and to rebuild my Self for some time beginning from today.
I have decided to cut down on my online time, meaning that I will spend less time with my cell phone and concentrate on writing something worth reading.
So less screen time, unless it is on my laptop about writing my novel and blog posts like this one. I almost guarantee I won´t be able to feel the difference when I return and again participate in any online activities.
Nothing much going on anyway, except for the dumb deeds done by stupid people that we all get to feel the consequences for. And they are getting dumber, crazier, and worse by the hour.
To be back in the saddle and preferably stay there is painful, hard as the road to hell and back, and demanding. I have to use my deposits of inner strength to get there, and at the same time, I need to refuel it.
Because running out of inner strength is simply not an option to me. But nothing comes without a price, that means being a lot more tired than usual, putting up personal boundaries, and do serious self-care.
I don´t get angry or upset very often due to the stress stemming from it. It is only when things get way out of control, and enough is enough that I as much as contemplating anger as a choice to resolve a problem.
But I got angry this week, and now I pay the full price. I feel like I have been hit by a train, I hurt all over my body, and inside I feel used and tired.
My mood is better today, but that it is only because my eyes in the morning mirror told me to shape up and face the music once and for all. So, today is going to be a good day, Self.
I hate being depressive, for it replaces my lively energy with silence, way too many thoughts racing through my mind, and many a deep sigh. Therefore, this weekend needs creative inputs.
I have face masks to sew, a big canvas to paint on, and witchcraft studies to concentrate on. And it is also time for a new healing ritual and much more focus on working with daily mini-rituals.
The road to getting back in the saddle is treacherous, challenging, and slippery. Depression knows how to knock me down again and again, anxiety lurks in the background, and the aftermath of anger is painful.
So I hurt all over my body, my mental state of mind is imbalanced, and it irritates me that I had to resort to anger due to something that I didn´t expect would happen.
It always takes a couple of days to cool down, but I have learned my life lessons and practice self-care to the point of perfection. I prioritize my precious time now.
My time is not for arguments or constant trouble to sort out. When it gets too close, I immediately resort to my back-in-the-saddle strategies. Which are to cut down my online time and do what I love the most to do.
My problem has been to keep the right balance between being happy and content with my life while some of my dear friends fight for a better one. And that I have to protect myself without being able to help.
Today, I deliberately choose happiness over times of trouble. I want to laugh hard and long, I need to feel joy again, and I prefer my simple, yet complicated life to anything from the outside world.
Today is a good day, nothing will change that, as long as I work hard throughout the day to regain inner strength, to count my blessings, and to find my way to happiness, inner peace, health, and kindness again.
And today is the first in the rest of my life. It better be a good one for I have neither patience nor energy to feel bad again today. The whole week has had enough of that.
No, I prefer the simple approach to life. There is no need to complicate it further by adding more troubles to those that already have shown up. My strategy is to avoid getting too involved in more than I can chew.
So I´m back in the saddle, behind the keyboard where I feel peace, inner calm, and the wonderful lack of any signs of stress and anxiety. With coffee in my cup and lively music in my ears.
Just got a call from my counselor. He also thinks I have chosen the right strategies in a difficult situation. He provided me with an extra call next week with one of his colleagues, as he is leaving for vacation.
So rest assured, I will fight hard to remain in the saddle and in control with myself. Now I have come this far in life, now is my time to experience happiness.
And so I should feel.
May your weekend be blessed and free from troubles of any kind, dear readers and followers.
The Northern Witch' s Blog 