Day: August 26, 2020

Hi there, dear readers and followers. How are you today, what´s going on at your place, and are you flying high or diving low?

Here at my sacred spot on Mother Earth, domestic bliss, lit healing candles, and a cup of coffee are the settings for my tasks of today. First, write something positive worth reading.

Second, a call from the counselor team at 11 o´clock CET. I know it will be a mixture of joy and silent tears. I have embarked on a brand new journey, now I know life pain from the happy smile on people´s faces.

And third, a small shopping trip alone because my husband has a broken toe to cope with. Oh, do I know the pain from a night walk to the bathroom when your toes hit something on the way back to sleep.

I have side effects of my prescription medicine today. So, I´m shaking and jitterbugging every once in a while. But it´s okay, it´s just the way some things are in my everyday.

Flying high, diving low. A perfect description of my bipolar disorder that these weeks shows me its diving stage. Where I´m most uncertain, where my shadow Self feeds me with doubts, and where silent tears often hide.

My mood is mixed quite a lot this morning. I´m happy, content, and mentally healthy enough to get my tasks done without fearing an unexpected anxiety attack.

But I´m also listening to the blues today. It´s a difficult time to maneuver around people in. I choose to only speak the truth, however frank and painful it may be.

Longing for the next flight, without soaring like an eagle due to a closely regulated medicine strategy, my iron will, and positive attitude toward living well with a bipolar disorder.

My creative drive lies here, whereas my depressive low dive creates this unnerving mental fog in my mind. I can feel the light at the end of the tunnel, but it takes perhaps a few weeks before it will change again.

This year, I change relatively often, but I ascribe it to the general uncertainty of this era in my life. Today, I will need to go out in the outside world and face the sum of all my fears, all at once.

But I´m prepared, and therefore, I´m using this quiet part of the day to call in the extra energy that I preserve for such days. And I also plan for an afternoon nap if necessary.

Oh, I almost forgot that I need to call my 82-year-old father today as well. So I have a full plate to split between minor tasks so that the shopping trip won´t eat up all my spare energy-

Flying high, diving low. From believing nothing is impossible to feeling everything is unattainable. It is a long stretch to be able to juggle with. And to communicate with other people, not the least.

Living with the need to communicate clearly what´s going inside me today every day is sometimes a challenging experience. Because it is difficult to translate into understanding and peace of mind.

Often, relatives are overheard, forgotten, left to try to make something sensible out of a babbling chatterbox, or a sobbing Crone with the joys of menopause.

Therefore, it is my duty and honor to tell how I feel, what I need them to understand, and how they can remember to take good care of themselves. I need to help them to stop blaming themselves.

And I don´t blame me either anymore. I was born with it, and I´m going to die with it. So I might as well try my damn best to make sure that I control it rather than it haunts me and ruin their lives.

There are incredible and irresistible days, where everything just happens like pearls on a string. And there are the cruel, lonely times, where nothing seems to make sense or help change the outcome.

I´m proud to admit that I have a fling with meaninglessness and stupid people. It´s a shame there is so much of it nowadays. Life is so rich in better experiences if we only dare to truly seize the moment.

And a fair price and tribute in return are to begin showing some heartfelt gratitude for what you already have. I guarantee, here in a small but unique society, most of us have more than we need to have.

In time, it will be a significant priority here to strip ourselves from unnecessary attachments in the form of property, knick-knacks, and all kinds of physical memories.

We plan to give the place an overhaul when Fall arrives soon. Then, I will make a photo-journal to function as a great memory when I grow older. Right now, I´m busy trying to become an adult and to accept some facts.

One, in particular, is the fact that I´m a Crone by now. The Maiden felt light years ago, the Mother, in spirit if not in blood, is an awe-inspiring experience, and the Crone in me embraces the great wilderness of life.

Somewhat of a Warrior, too, yes, I dare to fight whatever obstacles life and my inner sweet and sour devils throw at me. This year, on October 1st, I have been early retired for ten years.

My husband has had almost five years with the same status. A harsh, strong, and fast-lane life wore us down before we knew of it. It was a cat´s game with the mouse, us spiraling downward way too fast.

But we are still standing today. And there´s a routine to do, a basis to rely on. Today, it´s my turn to take a share of the teamwork here. Together, we are magick.

And magick, I feel all over my body, mind, and soul today. Flying high, diving low is a tricky balance to maintain and try to enjoy at the same time.

Counting minutes to my counseling call. I have both the happy and the darker moments to talk about and remove from my automatic writing of fears to fear.

The fear of experiencing fear is a little, nasty, and deceitful friend to have to get to terms with. But it is there, hissing in its shadowy corner, and it will challenge me if it spots the slightest view of my low Self.

The unknown may seem scary, intense, and fantastic, all at once. That´s what I feel when I write that this is a time, where the Earth spins 360 degrees around itself once again.

And both extremes can be overwhelming, educational, and even beautiful if handled with respect and intensive care. But I prefer the equilibrium, the feeling of inner peace from life in proper balance.

What I hate about being bipolar is that I can feel the transits between moods. So flying high, diving low is felt here, thank you. And thank you, dear loved ones, for being so important a part of my life.

Now, I need a break for perhaps half an hour with a little luck and universal magick. My call is only seven minutes away. When I return, I will listen to happy music, for my sole aim today is to try to be satisfied.

Forty minutes later, I feel refreshed however slightly moved in my thoughts. From a raging inferno to this blissful inner silence, there is only a phone call between the extremes.

So, I also feel mood swings during the day? Oh, yes, and remember, this is coming from the Crone with a funny friend, menopause. I laugh and cry even more than I used to do in my younger days.

More often these months, I shift from crying over absolutely nothing to laughing at just about everything sometimes. And also often combined. Anyway, I cry, and I dare to write it in public.

In general, I dare to write in public about my life as a writer, witch, and human being. I like the idea of writing as a tool and a craft with which it is possible to make a positive difference in the debate on mental disorders.

There is enough fake news, prejudices, and misunderstandings in the world about it already. And if my words do reach and helps somebody out there, my work has been more than good enough.

The witchcraft part is always here, often blended in between the lines, as it is an all-embracing lifestyle to me. I will write about my next ritual when I get the energy to set the date.

With rituals, I always work with deadlines. Otherwise, my ability to procrastinate kicks in, I get stressed by my own shadow, and it won´t feel right during the ritual.

As a human being, I write about my life while it happens. It is lively, at times slippery, but also so privileged journey to be one to experience. For my life and all that comes along with it, I´m grateful.

Flying high, diving low, right now a firm grip on anxiety and soon time to go shopping alone. The weather is gray, suits me fine today. I´m not the talkative stranger type, nope, today I´m focused and quick.

It is something to just get done and then to move on from. It can be a trigger, I never know before it is over and done with. But I´ll go after my call to my father.

May your day be blessed with fair weather, domestic bliss, and comforting inner peace, dear readers and followers. As we will it, so mote it be.