A family loss

This morning, my husband´s mother and my mother-in-law passed over the Rainbow Bridge. She had Alzheimer´s and was only 66 years old.

Instead of flowers, we donate a little sum to the science behind the disease.

We are not able to attend the funeral, so we mourn her and remember all the good memories with her.

As I´m writing this and cleaning my witch´s den at the same time, I think of my mother-in-law. She was a proud woman, with strong opinions, a big heart, and a heartwarming spirit.

A family loss is always tough to deal with. It hurts like hell, but we also know it was peaceful for her. So we take the day out of the calendar and take good care of each other.

Today, I write with a gentle sadness in my heart. I know the feeling, almost six years ago my mother passed too.

There is no recipe, no written student book, or any ways to tell how to react to grief. It is a constant factor, it changes only its strength and grip on you when it is time for that.

I don´t have the magick words to mend a wound like that. But tomorrow we will enjoy a beautiful healing ritual where we also will remember our loved ones that have passed the Rainbow Bridge during out lifetime.

Tonight, I prepare the ritual with love and compassion. Tonight, I take a walk down Memory Lane. And tonight, I´m there for my husband, right here, right now.

May she rest in peace. So Mote It Be.

Anxiety to the core

One thing is to have great plans about doing something. I slept more today than I planned for, and suddenly the whole morning was gone. I had sun in my face instead of cleaning and having witchy fun.

That is for tomorrow, yes, the novel must wait two more days, I need to create and enjoy a beautiful ritual first. Today, I made my anxiety tree for my counselor.

At the core of the tree, the roots, I have written the following sentences:

A tough life where I have met many different people in different situations that often went wrong, and the higher up in society, the worse.

Inner insecurity, not grounded in reality.

My body´s reaction to those things that my mind won´t remember.

My physical symptoms of anxiety are (the trunk of the tree):

Sweating, heart palpitations, strong feeling of discomfort (the-just-want-to-run-away feeling), stomach issues, mental tiredness (physical pain is more present), lack of concentration, physical tiredness (especially after an anxiety attack), inner turmoil and shaking, headache, nausea.

My psychological symptoms of anxiety are (the lower part of the treetop):

Inner turmoil and involuntary restlessness, the flight-reaction (isolation), the fight-reaction (taking in too many tasks and not listening to Self).

My internal impressions are a mind in constant state of alert and a feeling of déja vu (the human factor on the loose). My external impressions are e.g. sudden loud noises and a lot of activity going on around me.

Together this makes the following anxiety triggers (the higher part of the treetop):

Unexpected things (here-and-now decisions), the behavior of other people (especially if risky), stress and turmoil from outer factors, unpredictability in general, when it is impossible to divert myself in time to avoid an attack, when I don´t spot the early signs of an attack. The first three releases the anxiety, the last three amplify the size of the attack.

That is my anxiety to the core. Easy enough to write down, however living well with it is another matter.

And there´s only one way for me to handle that. And that is to work hard every day for the rest of my life to avoid as many attacks as possible. Every time it is a major victory to me.

Today, I will carry my three filled ring binders, my Book of Shadows, as it looks now, to my creative den. Prepare a welcoming and inspiring atmosphere by using some of my good stuff from the witch´s den.

Tomorrow, I will clean and recharge my witch´s den beginning right after my morning coffee and morning singalong.

And Tuesday, I will celebrate life with a beautiful ritual. Where the little details are both visual and chosen with great care. Wednesday, it´s novel time.

This time, I know I can handle making and keeping plans. I´m much better today, and I think I will place my anxiety tree close to me wherever I work and have fun.

Just by looking at it for a few seconds fills me with a strong fighting spirit. I will conquer this annoying anxiety today and whenever it may try to ruin my days.

I will show the tree to my family and friends. Sometimes the written word speaks more than speech itself. And it is difficult to tell about anxiety, especially if there is no apparent reason for it to happen.

It is even more difficult for relatives and friends to handle anxiety attacks in loved ones. Therefore, I need to tell them what´s going on inside me and what I need to control an attack.

Depending on the strength of an attack, I usually seek solitude, until it has passed. When it is very strong, I use prescription medicine that has full effect after a couple of minutes where I primarily focus on calming my breath.

When I have an attack outside my safe haven here, I either leave as soon as possible or work with my breath when I´m e.g. at the cash register in our local shop.

They know me there, so I´m usually free from attacks when inside the shop. Then the reaction typically comes on the way home instead.

So social distancing isn´t new to me. The circumstances, however, could be better though. It feels like living in a bad dream that is impossible to wake peacefully up from.

I divert myself again and again. I just turned off the TV and now enjoy listening to loud music in my earplugs so that my husband and the little wise, old dog can enjoy their afternoon nap in peace.

Soon, we will take the dog for the daily walk, and today I have decided not to let myself divert by the behavior of other people. I will keep my distance and be polite, if someone says hi bypassing.

But I will enjoy nature, the dog reading his kind of news, and the more than fair weather. And I´ll walk with my peace stone in rose quartz to touch if I should feel uncomfortable during the walk.

It was a good walk. But there were way too many people around my usual bench, so I moved to another bench while waiting for my husband to shop. The little wise, old dog and my stone diverted most of the anxiety signs.

Yet, I need to completely relax and calm my breath. People are getting more careless than I like to see and hear. We cannot afford to be careless during a pandemic era like this.

I sat in the sun for about half an hour and just enjoyed the warm rays in my face. Talked about this and that with my husband, listened to the kids playing outside, and felt happy about the beauty of the garden.

Beyond my garden back door lies the world outside. Inside here, there is peace and inner calm. A movie on TV, music in my ears, and fresh coffee in my cup. Anxiety to the core, director´s cut.

For right now, the winner is me. It is a snapshot in time, a close-up, a feeling described in words. With color and vivid imagination. And, backed up by real life experiences in real time.

It could only be more live with a camera, but I prefer to write with a pen name. My personal life begins at the threshold to my home, and that is a definitive decision.

I´ve seen a lot of certain parts of the human world. I have a strong need for privacy and personal space by nature. So getting older also means the possibility to actively pursue social distancing. In the physical meaning of the word.

And in general, because I have seen and heard more than enough of exciting, crazy, and stressful events. Today, I listen to my body, and I know that I have to take extremely good care of myself, especially mentally.

That does not mean that I´m not into social matters. I just prefer the ones where there are only a few people physically around me. And the online conversations that can mean a world of difference on a truly bad day.

As can my family and my friends. Living in a rainbow family and extending it to my online friends and followers is enough to me.

May your week be blessed with happiness, inner peace, good health, and kindness, dear readers and followers.

As the quote goes (author unknown to me):

“Happiness is the new rich. Inner peace is the new success. Health is the new wealth. Kindness is the new cool.”

An evening walk

The little wise, old dog curled up his tail and did his sniffling business as a pro on our walk a little while ago. I enjoyed the sunshine, but I also noticed way too many people around.

The same problem is occurring around the major cities. And probably a lot of other places too. Apparently, it is difficult to understand that although there has been some re-opening, we are also not yet through this at all.

Another problem is that there isn´t enough space for the kids in the schools so alternatives are debated. Yes, it is too early, when such important matters keep showing up.

But I keep my promise and only check the news a few times a day. I can´t cope with major doses of bad and frightening news. I´m full of impressions already, so I need personal space.

Went to my creative den, finished an ironing project and enjoyed the Sun through the open windows to the sound of fast beating drums and rhythms of dance music.

But I didn´t manage to begin any new projects, for my racing thoughts and my involuntarily shake made it impossible to find the inner calm I always work with when being creative.

So I look for tomorrow instead. To spend a whole day in my witches´ den is suitable when trying to conquer a depression in the midst of a world in a major crisis.

Tonight, I remain thoughtful, for I don´t like that people are getting more and more careless. My husband also noticed too many people gathering outside an ice cream shop.

Well, how much I love the taste of ice cream, I will not go there for a very long time now. I will not take that kind of unnecessary health risk. And on our walk, the picture was the same.

It makes me angry and sad that people are being so untimely stubborn. It makes me want to stay even more at home. It is an anxiety trigger that I only can control by letting it go and pray and hope for the best.

My anxiety is awake today, but it leaves me fairly at peace. At least for now, at least it is possible to rise from defeat to victory, at least it brings me peace to write about it.

But I also use enormous amounts of strength to keep getting up again and again. I sleep more these days, I think it is my body ordering me to relax and let go of what no longer serves me.

However, I enjoy the feeling of accomplishing little chores, little projects, and little magickal pursuits like lighting healing candles. I try to do a little something every day, no matter how I feel inside.

I need to keep myself diverted from the world of tough reality. So tonight I will work with my anxiety tree, so that I can discuss it with my counselor on Monday or Tuesday next week.

An evening walk clears the mind, and I needed that. I can feel that change is coming around the corner. I don´t like it at all, for it may mean even worse news and more restrictions.

Looking at the world as a whole doesn´t make it any better. People need to behave themselves, however understandable the frustration may be. It´s my worst fear, the human factor on the loose.

Tomorrow, I will work slowly. Truly enjoy cleaning, cleansing, and recharging my witch´s den. I will light candles, use my new incense, and sit and meditate half an hour.

Then I will take my Book of Shadows to my creative den, where I will plan my next witchcraft ritual. Thus uniting the practical and the creative aspect, I will try to maintain that balance for the week to come.

Soon it is time to celebrate the Sabbath of Beltane, on May 1st 2020. It is a different Spring this year. Therefore, I have decided to use all the good stuff as much as possible.

My eyes just caught the worsening news. Now, stop me, Self! No more news for today, please, dear Universe, keep me guided on the right path. With writing and witchcraft as the center of my life.

So mote it be.

Picture of John Hain from Pixabay 

Restoring energy

Another day with big plans but also a sneaking depression. My energi level is lower than usual, so I admit, I have spent the day restoring energy rather than doing any creative projects.

My peak of the day came when we had lunch outside for the first time this year. My little something arrived, a new book about crystals and stones, a Mala necklace, and a lot of new incenses, e.g. frankincense and myrrah.

After lunch, I lit some of it outside in my dragon burner. It was a delicious and refined smell. And the Sun poured down its soothing warmth. It was a blissful moment.

The whole afternoon I have been bingewatching TV, sleeping, and done as little as possible. But I think so well after a whole day of relaxation. A weak spot before in my life because I used to live with a lot of stress.

Now I have the means and the opportunity to take much better care of myself. One of the ways I do that is to discipline myself to only watch the news a few times a day.

More and more people are seen and heard now. And some of the professions like hair dressers and tattooists are allowed to open on Monday, April 20.

I follow the news on a longer distance today because I need to let go of what I cannot control. The only thing I can control is my reaction to what happens. So I choose to let go and to recover from my depression.

Yesterday was a beautiful celebration of our Queen. Today has been a joy with only a few signs of stress and anxiety. I guard myself with medication and meditation, however.

Restoring energy became my goal this morning since I felt extremely mentally tired. The inner peace came slowly after a cozy talk with our closest family and friends and lunch outside.

A feeling of complete freedom for a silent moment. And then some TV to just look at without over-thinking everything. And a long nap with the little, wise, old dog close by.

Tomorrow, my day begins with my morning coffee and a long hot bath. After that I want to spend a couple of hours in my creative den. Without any disturbances, with incense, candles, and loud music.

And Sunday I will spend cleaning my witches den thoroughly and planning my next witchcraft ritual. That is mentally freedom to me, and I earn it by fighting my disorders and aliments hard against hard.

Next week, my plan is to begin working with my novel again. I have to break my own silence by doing something that is both creative and hard as hell. A writer´s job is to write, and it is about time I do exactly that.

In general, I need to disconnect for some time. From an outside world that is far apart from that of mine here. I need to re-focus on what truly matters to me.

Restoring energy is just one baby step to regain control over my depressive side. Never going to be a friend of mine, it´s a strong inner battle, where I have to use many resources to secure victory.

But every time, it has been worth the trouble, for I become stronger for each time. Now I also understand and know a lot about being a bipolar with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and ADHD.

My big force is that I´m able to transform my racing thoughts into words worth reading. For I write with the brutally honest intention of doing my best every time and preferably better by long practice.

The next step is to do something creative and practical at the same time, so that the creative pursuit is the reward for pulling myself together and get up every morning with the intention of enjoying life.

And first then, after this weekend, it is time to return to my writing project about a novel, a psychological thriller. There´s plenty of inspiration right now, but I prefer to work with a fictional story.

Realism right now is almost surreal, and I still believe it is way too early to open so much up, as they plan to. But I have decided to let go of my fears, for time will show what happens.

I hope and pray that they know what they are doing. My personal trust is only to my closest family and friends. But that´s not new in my life, I don´t trust easily.

I trust that I´m safe and okay. That is all the security I need. The rest is hard work and dedication in everything I do. Restoring energy is a sacred duty here.

Remember to rest between breaks, as my dear friend told me. And believe me, the world needs that people rest between breaks. May your weekend be filled with sunshine and moments of deep inner peace. So mote it be.

Picture of John Hain from Pixabay 

Congratulations, Your Majesty

Today. our Majesty the Queen, Margrethe, is eighty years old. Happy birthday and may the Sun always shine on you. So Mote It Be.

All over our country, people were singing and playing their hearts out. So also in this, we are together, only apart. It was very touching, and I sang along with tears of joy running down my cheeks.

Four songs, each known to and loved by us all. And we saw her coming out, not on the balcony, but on stairs.

And she is going to address the Danish nation, tonight at seven p.m. It is so extraordinary, it makes me proud to be a Dane.

That being said, I´m on day two of the gradual re-opening of Denmark. Yesterday, I got so extremely tired of myself.

So today I managed the laundry and went shopping with my husband long before eleven a.m.

My energy is renewed by a longer nap and a good plan about being creative a whole day tomorrow.

The weather is beautiful and warm, and the little, wise, old dog enjoyed his walk a little while ago.

I´m emotional today. It takes nothing before the tears begin. It´s this uncertainty that´s shaking my inner world.

But that´s okay too. Allowing myself to feel with all my senses might seem overwhelming and at times also painful.

I have a whole life to laugh and cry about. And these days, it´s apparently my most emotional side that wants to let go.

Of uncertainty, terrible news, and anxiety combined with depression. And this is my way of doing it. It helps a lot.

Today, I listen to great orchestral music and celebrate my victory over the laundry piles. Believe me, I can feel it in my lower back right now.

But it was worth the effort. I contributed with something tangible and decided to relax and wait with the creative pursuits until tomorrow.

Tonight, we will listen to our Queen and sing along with thousands of others.

May tomorrow be bright and full of creative potential. As I will it, so mote it be.

Picture of Prawny from Pixabay 

Opening days, day one

So came this day where a little seven-year-old girl went to the real school again.

Yesterday, my counselor texted and asked, if I would like a phone call today at app. eleven o´clock.

It has helped so much. My self is okay again, but they had been extremely busy, he told me. Many people have difficulty handling all the changes in the world.

During these opening days, I have decided to write daily again. It is important therapy for me, and it´s my window to the world right now.

I just bought a little something online to be happy about without ruining the budget. Could I afford it with food and medicine too, I would gladly do it.

For the world outside doesn´t attract me anymore. Except for the walks with the dog, I want to stay at home as much time as possible.

Day one began with a major nightmare that made it impossible to sleep any further this morning. Took a small nap, however, just before the phone call.

I know that I´m depressed for a time. So I take baby steps again-again. I have a thing to do before my next call Monday or Tuesday next week.

To draw a tree with the stress factors that affect my anxiety, to get close to what triggers me. It is shadow work on a deep level, trust me.

Being sensitive to all what the five senses can show up with, my stress comes from all angles, and I never know which one will hit me next.

But especially loud noises, too much going on at the same time around me, and unexpected things to consider, are my kind of triggers.

So my stress level is tougher to deal with now. Because it is an inner stress that keeps feeding my anxiety when it is most inconvenient.

It´s good to be able to put such feelings into words. It both helps me and my relatives to understand and also cope with it without going crazy.

And it is necessary to adapt as quickly and as mentally pain free as possible to the demands of this new pandemic world.

It is better today. I could enjoy my coffee in the garden with my closest family and friends. Last night I ate separately, due to me, not to them.

I also took a short nap in the afternoon, and now, after a soothing walk with the dog without any signs of anxiety, I trust that the evening will be quite alright.

My goal for tomorrow is to do the chores before I begin writing or planning my next ritual. Perhaps I will succeed this time.

I have had a long period now with depression, I think. The process has been slow, but surely. And therefore, I fight back as soon as possible.

My many minor anxiety attacks have been a shadow to the real problem. I need to be better to handle my depressive side.

Today, I write myself out of it, tomorrow, I´ll work through it. And soon there is to be a witchcraft ritual again.

Day one may have begun in a truly bad way, but the remains of it seems to be okay and tolerable.

In the news, they´re discussing a further re-opening of society, but today I say so what, if they want to dance with the virus, let them.

We can only do what we do already, wash our hands, use rubbing alcohol often, and maintain the social distancing.

And that is exactly what we´ll do here.

So, I follow the news on a distance now. It is necessary to remain calm and assured that everything will be okay again, some day, but no more when.

One thing is for sure, this virus has not shown its full potential yet. And this will last many more years to come, for all the economic aid from the government has to be payed back sometime.

There will be bankruptcies, more casualties, and more uncertainty for so long a period of time that we might as well adapt to the new circumstances now.

Living with anxiety has become excruciating real, and it takes a lot more work than even I thought it would when I finished almost 3 years of therapy last year.

But it is also so liberating to be so open about it. It sort of takes the feeling of immediate danger out of it. And, if my words happens to be of any help to others, my goals are met.

So, see you tomorrow, dear readers and followers. And keep up the good spirit, we are together in all this, only physically apart.

Picture of Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

A walk with the dog …

… a hot and long warm bath, and lunch after a short trip outside in the world outside my personal galaxy here in the southern part of Denmark, where I found a permanent home.

So I´m nourished by the sharp April Sun, I got my daily exercise, and I survived a minor anxiety attack when my husband went to the store during our walk.

It just flushed all over me, like a wave threatening to throw me around as if I were the smallest leaf. It only lasted a few seconds, but the icy sharp thorns of the feeling of acute anxiety still needs to be diverted into something more tangible.

Like writing about it to use it as a kind of self-therapy, instead of just waiting for something different to happen. There is this creepy feeling of being uncomfortable in a disturbing way.

It may also be the side-effects of my prescription medicine, but nevertheless, it´s annoying and unwelcome. People are taking unnecessary risks, like not using gloves and rubbing alcohol in the store despite being in one of the risk group just by age.

Others may begin not to care either, so the trouble comes full circle.

One more day, and Denmark re-opens with children up to ten years of age, and the whole team behind them as well.

Like a game of domino, the inciting incident is a thriller worthy. This is reality, however, so my inner stress level is very much awake. I´m as much a hermit as I can possible be, and yet I´m still anxious.

It´s the uncertain human factor that worries me most. People are capable of so many things that I prefer to consider and count my blessings here rather than listening to the news today.

I´m happy that I don´t have to be outside for very long periods of time. I´m grateful that it is possible to live a good and safe life even on a strict budget. And I´m lesser and lesser anxious in my home.

A walk with the dog clears the mind. The dog is happy, free, and doing what a dog is supposed to do on a walk. I speak with my dog on our walks. Although he doesn´t speak back, his body language tells me everything.

Today, he spoke, however, when he spotted my husband coming out from the store. He jumped up and down, the tail went crazy, and he sat down by himself before my husband had his treat ready.

His voice was audible all over the little square, he was happy, he was sweet. He is almost ten years old, and he is a true companion, friend and family member.

Here we continue to take our precautions, and today my thoughts go to the sick and the people helping them. They so deserve salutations, for it is a troubled time indeed.

And I can´t help but think that the growing pressure about re-opening society is way too soon. It feels as if this virus is only waiting for people to act careless so that it can change its ways and strike when we least expect it.

What´s the rush anyway? Is it really worth the price in human lives to be so eager to return to what was before? Was everything before so necessary and almost a sacred duty to adapt to?

I most certainly think not. Instead, we should use the time to truly rethink quite a few lifestyles across this always so divided world. The potential is right here in us people when we only dare to cross the mental borders between us.

I feel and sense that from my conversations with people from many different parts of the world. Thank you also, dear readers and followers, for sharing your stories with me.

At the same time, I know there´s nothing I can do about it, except from writing honestly about it. And I try to live my life as good as possible despite a pandemic era outside my safe haven.

Today, the music in my ears is pure distraction, because the news was even more disheartening than usual. I´m taking extra good care of myself by doing as little as possible. I need to rest a lot these days.

Tomorrow, I will go to my creative den and my witch´s den. First to warm up with a little creative project or two. Then to clean and cleanse my witch´s den for any leftover stale energy.

And one of the coming days, I will make another healing ritual to let even more go than I have done recently. This time I will have the full setup with decorated altars and all the good stuff out of the cabinets.

A walk with the dog in the forest after such a ritual will be a good way to release racing thoughts and anxiety, as will a bonfire in the garden later.

That and the well-being of my family and friends will have my attention this week. A relative is in hospital after a heart attack, so we have enough tension for just now.

I don´t need more anxiety or more stress, but I can handle it, Self, I´m okay. I have also done everything possible to remain calm, and I react each time an anxiety trigger shows up.

Right away, I try to use my many strategies, and if they don´t help, I turn to a walk with the little wise, old dog. He knows more than he shows, as do my three philosophical cats.

They are closer to me when something is wrong. It is as if they understand so much more than many humans do.

For now, everything feels okay. For the time being, the news can be news as much as they want, we have turned them off. Perhaps there is an old movie to laugh and cry with.

May the evening be pleasant and anxiety free for us all, wherever we are.

So Mote It Be.

A world on hold

Behind the keyboard, a Saturday, almost evening. The weather is boring, the news is disheartening, and I´m mentally so very tired. Over politics and knowledge from before all this went so crazy, over people stealing alcohol at a hospital and acting like spoiled brats, over an impatient world on hold.

But I´m getting better by the hour now. The silence is better today, calmer, more comprehensible. Living in a world on hold is not as bad as it may seem, had it not been for a deadly virus that has no regard for anything but destruction.

I don´t miss the noise, the stress, and the egoism. My everyday has not changed that much, for before all this I had already chosen an alternative lifestyle.

Because I had grown apart from the standards of modern society. Because I no longer could cope with the stress level in a so-called normal life, whatever that normal may be or not. And because I found my own path in witchcraft and writing.

At the same time, living in a world on hold is scary, unpredictable, and demanding. However much I try to keep the outer world away from my everyday, it still comes back to wrestle with my patience and inner peace.

So today, I will try to keep up the good spirit by writing about how we cope with a world on hold.

We literally have everything we need and much more than that. We are a team of like-minded people who want a quiet and yet complicated life without the chaos from a stressed world.

And we give each other personal space to do things on our own, when the need for solitude shows up. Most of my life, I´ve been around many different people.

So to seek solitude every once in a while is not new to me. But only in recent years it has been possible to choose a lifestyle with both elements of solitude and unity.

Now this crisis shows up, and all of a sudden, my private world is affected deeply already. Not so much in terms of lifestyle, but with regards to my mental ailments.

It´s been a tough ride so far, and there is no signs of possible relief from this new outer stress factor, the human reactions to disease. It´s what´s not usual that I´m noticing, when I´m writing about silence that is being broken way too soon.

So I take my own homemade precautions and stay at home as much as possible. Even more than I usually do, which is most of the time anyway. But now there´s nothing out there except from daily necessities and medicine that has my interest.

If I need to buy something else, I use the Internet shops. I´m not the big boutique shopper, however, so it suits me well to shop from home the few times I need that on a strict budget.

A world on hold also means that I´m my own therapist these months, and I´m getting more and more concerned about my counselor, so I´ll write to him as soon as I finish this blog post.

To tell him that I´m okay so far. I fight every inch of the way, as I´m used to, but today I know that I´m not alone. Millions of people fight daily with mental disorders, and it is not at all easy during this pandemic.

But it is possible with the right personal attitude toward it. Never to use it as an excuse not to try fighting back is my main attitude. Seconded by my strong will that want me to feel better when I´m down and blue.

Now, the silence is only broken by the music in my ears. Beautiful instrumental pieces that soothe my racing thoughts, calm me down, and affirm my belief that everything will be okay some day, just don´t know when for a really long period of time.

As the world, I´m on hold.

The silence is broken

The silence is broken. By too many cars racing up and down the street. By too many people outside in the streets. People are getting more and more impatient.

Am I a dreamer without a cause, since everything before all this still seems so attractive that people already begin to let go of common sense? Is that stressful world really so fantastic when we stop to think for a moment or two?

The silence is broken. But it is a creepy feeling that it leaves me with tonight.

I already miss the silence before the cars again invaded the streets. I´m anxious about next week when the little children are to begin daycare, kindergarten, and school up to the fifth grade.

And in the midst of all this, I´m still recovering from my depressive side of being bipolar. Today has been blessed. No anxiety attacks, no tears yet, and no racing thoughts.

A few more days, and I will be okay again. The inner silence is broken by my creative and organized side. Went through some papers, began a new little project with a mini canvas and glitter glue, and cleaned my creative work spaces around the house.

I prefer the outer silence to the inner where demons lurk and past ghosts haunt. When I´m silent, there is something wrong. Then I´m typically recovering from something stressful.

Usually caused by constant inner stress or by the world outside. I prefer my own troubles to the major issues of the modern world. I have done my duty in society, so much that I had to be early retired.

Mother Earth is recovering, too. And we really need to listen to her, to change our lifestyle, and to think more than twice before we turn back to the normal that was before the Corona-crisis.

The way forward is not to keep on doing whatever suits us no matter the cost to other people, Nature, and the world as a whole. Egoistical behavior has made it easy for a deadly virus to kill and to destroy so much for years to come.

It it about time that we humans think of a better and safer way to live here on planet Earth. The old faults should not be repeated, history has libraries full of the bad examples.

The silence is broken too soon, too much, and too visible and audible. People are lowering their guards by not doing what we are supposed to do. To stay at home and to care about others by adapting our behaviors to the new circumstances.

I try not to think of any possible scenarios, if people keep on being egoistical and stupid. I will sing with the majority tonight instead. And I will let the tears run freely.

It´s okay to cry. It cleanses the mind, it releases many difficult feelings, and it heals the scars of life. I cry when I can´t help it, and I´m also very open about it.

But just as soon as the tears have passed by, I´m back to the usual happy me. I´m happy by nature, and I´m rarely angry. I´m grateful for my simple, yet complicated life, and I count my blessings.

Tonight, my thoughts go to the lonely and the sick in this world. May the Universe watch over you and guide you on your paths.

The inner silence is broken, finally. On day four of my latest recovery, the mental fog is almost gone. The next couple of days I will work even harder, however, for I want to be sure that I win this fight over my depressive side.

And I will try to work with my novel again after a brainstorm in the weekend with my husband.

May your weekend be blessed with sunshine and lots of online hugs, dear readers and followers. And may people stay at home rather than racing through the streets.

Picture of S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay 

Easter is coming

There are more people in our little town in the southern part of Denmark. And the traffic is climbing higher by the hour. Why, oh why, won´t people understand that the world as we knew it are forever gone?

There is a new reality to deal with, I´m sorry, but that´s the deal for now. However harsh it is, it is still happening nonetheless. And only by respecting the new world order of hand washing and alcohol rubbing do we stand a fair chance against a virus that continues to outsmart us.

As Danes, we are naturally freedom-loving. But relieving the restrictions so soon is risky business. Most of us want out when the weather is more than fair, but today it is not a good idea unless it is about shopping for necessities and medicine.

And what do we spot so soon already in just a little town ? Too many people, like busy bees in a hive on drugs. I dare not think about the next five days of Easter in the bigger places.

My trust in other people is not overwhelming. Not when it comes to adapting to a totally different world view from what we have experienced so far in my fifty-year-old lifetime.

Easter is coming, and I´m like the English Queen Victoria not amused. I sound negative, but my experiences with many people in times of need are ambivalent.

Until now, the majority of the population has listened to the authorities. But people are also getting impatient, which makes me wonder why? What is it that is so attractive, oh wait, the feeling of something known rather than this uncertainty and waiting time?

Sometimes, we humans need to be reminded about what life is all about. That is my interpretation of what is happening to us all in this world. The past is a constant. The future is unknown territory. Only the present moment and the constant change is within reach for us humans.

We have completely forgotten our roots and and biology. We think we rule the world, well, we certainly have a lot more to learn, then. And some people won´t learn from past mistakes.

They are even prepared to act against all recommendations. It is an extremely dangerous game to play in these times. They may not get sick, but others will become ill due to them sooner or later.

Is that really worth all the racing back and forth for today? We were told that the restrictions were still to be respected, for a longer time apparently than some people today are willing to wait.

The numbers are perhaps sixty to eighty percent higher, it is said in a statement in the news. And to re-open so soon with little children, whereof many are way too little to understand and e.g. sneeze in the sleeve.

I´m nervous about all this already, this doesn´t help at all. But my mood is so much better than yesterday, where everything was black and tired. Today, my husband and I celebrated the Full Moon and each other with a ritual where Witches´ Runes spoke about romance.

Just what we both needed to learn. To take extra good care of the relationship is always a wise thing to do, especially when married to a bipolar like me.

It is even more important these days because my inner stress inevitably will affect my husband, as he sees and hears me feeling bad. I don´t hide myself from him, I protect him by keeping the majority of my racing thoughts to myself.

We share everything else, but he shall and will not be affected more than I can answer to. We also share some of my thoughts when I´m feeling blue and inadequate like yesterday´s one-hour-talk.

Today, I don´t know from where my strength has returned. I have decided to spend a couple of days without any plans but to relax and to recover from this depressive side of me that can be so paralyzing if not conquered straight away.

Yes, my ailments and side-effects from a strong lived life are keeping me busy some days. The balance is in my favor, however, because I refuse to give in no matter the cost.

The cost is that it takes me a couple of days to recover, but I pay that price with pride and a solid understanding of what is happening with me. I´m now truly my own, when it comes to describing my inner feelings and thoughts.

Today´s Full Moon ritual with the Witches´ Runes, a Tarot deck that also spoke in positive terms, and a new healing candle for the world was life-affirming and as simple as possible.

I used the strongest symbols of my witchcraft and patchouli incense to create an inspiring atmosphere, and we will light a bonfire in the garden later to let go of what no longer serves us.

Easter is coming, and please, dear Universe, let people behave rather than filling the streets with stupidity. Let the silence return, the world and Mother Earth need it so much these days.

Picture of Wokandapix from Pixabay 

This morning

This morning, I´m traveling in my mind. To a secret place where I can hide from this tormented world. I need the space to be only me for a moment in time.

It is a sacred place because there is an atmosphere of inner peace and chosen solitude. I´m used to live with the world at a safe distance, now the world is closing in on me.

So I need a mental safe haven added to my sanctuary here. Now it´s time to seek back to the better me, before too many signs of depression show their teeth and hiss at me.

This morning, I need to balance the two versions of me. I neither need the wild roller coaster ride nor the paralyzing effects of feeling saddened to the bone.

My country begins re-opening next week. With the youngest children first. I fear that it is way too soon. We can only hope and see. I understand the eagerness to get back in the saddle.

But I don´t get the lack of understanding for the need for silence. We humans are busy-bees that cannot seem to leave any stone alone. We want it all, almost no matter the cost.

This pandemic era brings forth both the best and the worst in people. The silence has been most welcome to me. I prefer the simple life, where I don´t have to be too long outside in the modern over-stressed world.

Now, the wheels are set in motion, if people continue to take the necessary precautions. My fear is that people will slacken the grip on more than common sense.

Which, in turn, will help the virus rather than hindering it. For the first time, I do not agree with the chosen decision. But I still listen and abide to the precautions.

This morning, I sigh at the world, I sigh at those who doesn´t seem to care, and I sigh at myself for feeling like this. I´m mentally over-tired, I need a few days to think and let go.

It would be a true strike of good luck and chance, if we should know better than the virus which so far only has shown its top of the iceberg. And, it all depends on the behaviors of people.

It is a pretty scary responsibility to have. So many things can go wrong that I order myself not to think about it. I´m saddened enough by the world of today.

This morning, I need to take really good care of myself. So I will use the day to prepare a Full Moon ritual for tomorrow. Again with healing purposes only.

But this time, there needs to be some healing for me too. I need to divert myself from the world. I need to make little creative projects again. I need to dive into my novel and write my way out of this foggy haze.

I´m no good as my own therapist today. I still haven´t heard from my counselor, and the waiting is taken its toll on me now. Therefore, I must be extra careful and find a way back to the better me.

The better me is right here, just not within reach right now. I listen to my mind today. It´s time to let loose and only do what serves me best in the current moment.

This morning, my best therapy is to write and to be creative with what I already have at hand. No need to go out into the world of today. I prefer to stay home.

This is the other side of a bipolar disorder. It is no friend of mine. It is far more better and easier to be on the lighter side rather than experiencing depression in a time like this.

But, I guess, that´s the terms on which life calls me to action. Sooner or later, I know I will get so tired of feeling so miserably that I pull mysefl together and begin fighting back.

I also know already that I will win that fight. Because I´m a born fighter, and I simply won´t give up. The road to success may be long and hard to live with. But it is my way, and it works for me.

This morning, I perhaps should have stayed in bed. But that´s not my kind of attitude to a crisis. So, I got up, went outside with the little, wise, old dog for his morning routine, and ended up at the keyboard.

It has already helped to accept the me of today. And it helps even more to write about it. I´m taking a couple of days off now. The world must take care of itself for a while.

I´ll begin with a long, hot bath. Then, I´ll sit in the sun in the garden, drink my coffee, and just listen to the birds singing their praise of the world.

This morning, everything will be just fine, I´m okay, Self.

My inner battlefield

When I woke up this morning, my mood was not set up for a new battle with the shadow of anxiety. I´m not interested at all in any kind of shadow play that is not set in motion by the better me.

So I fight my shadow right now. It will bend, it will behave, it will calm down. Today, my emotions are torn between sadness over the devastating losses in the world and the feeling of not being able to make a difference.

I know that I contribute with everything I can handle, but I also save a portion of pure self-preservation for the harder days like today where I can´t give so much.

I´m re-charging after yet another long week in this pandemic era. Therefore I´m naturally more vulnerable to the little earth quakes that the anxiety like to throw at me.

These days, I´m much more on guard than I used to be only a few months ago. I don´t have any energy for too many fights at my inner battlefield. Accordingly, my strategies are mainly used to prevent major attacks from overwhelming me and destroying my day.

It´s feels like meeting with the untamed version of me. It is a wild, strong, and ruthless force that tries to scare the living daylights out of me even though my mind and my heart know that the feeling of fear is not based on reality.

The real fears I share with the rest of the world, and the feelings they evoke are less lonely to live with than my constant inner racing thoughts which often try to trigger an anxiety attack.

My body remembers what I have experienced throughout life. And I listen carefully to my body, soul, and mind. Prescription medicine and therapy help perhaps eighty percent.

The rest is entirely up to me to handle, as it should be, since nobody else would be able to do it for me anyway. It is my inner battlefield, and I fight back by putting hard against hard.

The new life conditions will not change back to what was the world before all this. We might as well adapt to change as the only way forward, even though the path is both painful and seemingly endless.

We don´t understand the full effect yet, for this is only the first wave that we are experiencing in my country now. Fortunately, most people plan to stay at home during Easter.

The minority, however, may try to act irresponsibly and stupid, but at least they are seen and heard so much more these days. And some of them are also caught and imprisoned at once.

My anxiety is calm again now, my inner battlefield is ready for the next round, and I´m recovering from my moodiness little by little. Word by word, sentence by sentence.

The restlessness that always follows me is tolerable today, but it has also taken me more than seven hours to conquer. I still count the days because so far there hasn´t been any signs of a major anxiety attack.

I have turned off the news for this morning I felt deep sadness and frustration about the consequences for people worldwide. Perhaps here and there, somebody is awakening.

Perhaps now, where the numbers are steadily rising, those who wouldn´t listen and behaved egoistically will catch a glimpse of deep shame in their eyes.

This virus doesn´t care about people, except for using them as disease carriers to as many people as possible.

But we should care about the virus and help others by doing what we are so often told about. Stay safe, stay home. Don´t be reckless and careless, stay separate and be patient.

Another side of my inner battlefield is the sharpness in my pen. I react strongly to bad behavior and shameful performance for the sake of being seen and heard only.

Especially during times like this. This is serious as hell, this is a killer on the loose, this is terrible to us all. So why make it worse? What´s the point, if not egoistical and very inappropriate?

I thank the Universe for the good examples that are in full bloom everywhere, and most often things are done by using creative ideas and the materials available.

And at last, but not least, thank you, dear readers and followers. I´m proud that I write for you and in reality us all, for we are all in the same boat, no matter where we are in this wild, crazy place called planet Earth.

I´ll try to keep my spirits high, but I also write about the things that hurt in the everyday, where most miracles are found, if you only look close enough.

Picture of Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

Singalong night in Denmark

At eight p.m. tonight, there is once again singalong night in Denmark. Known artists perform from their homes, people sing along, and new talents are born.

It hits me straight in the heart, and here we sing, laugh and cry out hearts out. For one hour only, there is a feeling of unity and a belief that we will come through this together and apart at the same time.

Another idea is spreading through our country right now. It is about placing teddy bears in the windows, so that children with their parents may walk by one day and perhaps try to count all the teddy bears on the walk through empty streets.

A little light in the dark, to show that we care, to show that we understand, to show that everything will be okay again some day. We have to be careful for a long time, so we might as well quest for the little wonders of the everyday.

That is magick when it is best. We make magick together by finding little windows to the world in a time where so many fight for their life literally.

The home school is on weekend hold, the wise, old dog is sleeping right next to me, and I´m spending my afternoon writing about how I feel today.

It it difficult to exactly describe that. Physically and mentally I´m fine. But I´m also moody to some degree. It takes only a song or a melody to make the tears flow for a few minutes.

So I´m careful today not to go beyond my limitations. I take a longer break from the news stream that seems to have a life of its own.

In the eye of the hurricane, the medias bring positive news about people trying to do their best to keep the spirits up.

‘We have chosen to life as if we were already quarantined. And we work with little creative projects meant to create happiness and joy to those who receive it.

My neighbor has created a little shop with food and drinks for the children. They can buy the things for what they earn doing their chores. The shop is open trice a day, so they learn to save points too.

It has been both fun and effective for three days, and the children are good at what they are doing. The chores are done without tears and with happy laughter instead.

I teach a sweet and clever seven-year-old girl Danish, biology, history, introduce her to creative arts, and play even more after home school. We jump the trampoline together outside in the garden.

Her younger sister and brother and their wonderful parents have also a big place in both mine and my husband´s hearts. They are family, we are godparents to the boy.

And they are friends for life. My neighbor just cut my hair for the first time ever. And it looks great to me. It is almost like living in a clan where the members feel as if they had known each other for a longer time than they actually have. .

We live in two separate houses, but apart from that we share everything else in our lives. It all began cautiously for we have all tried to be hurt by people we once trusted.

It really took off when our neighbor was expecting the boy. She had way too high blood pressure, so we sent her and her husband to the hospital while my husband and I babysitted the children that were asleep at the time.

That is to trust your own life in the hands of somebody new to you. We have been close ever since. And we follow both the boy and his siblings from early morning until bedtime.

Our new way of life is based on respect, trust, love, loyalty, hope, tolerance, and classic decency in behavior.

This paradise of mine may have to live on a strict budget, but the little extra to spend is used wisely.

Tonight, my husband and I are singing along with the Danish nation. It is an old tradition to singalong in troubled times. We Danes also did it during WW2.

It gives a feeling of unity, common ground instead of living separate lives before all this. Now we are separated due to a deadly virus. But people are changing too.

And I hope and pray for the people of the world that they will continue to help each other and to spread joy rather than condemn and fight each other when all this is over some day.

I will probably cry a bit, my feelings are touchy today. But that´s okay, Self, it´s only human.

May the weekend bring you joy and happiness, dear readers and followers.

The creative shop, made by Michelle Due Madsen

Staying home

Staying home is what we all should do, if we are not needed outside in society. We should only go out to buy necessary food and medicine. Sadly, too many people still don´t get the message.

Why is it so difficult to stay home and be happy too? After all, all the working hours behind the newest gadgets for the home should be worth the trouble.

Staying home is to truly be yourself and to relax and enjoy the freedom. Outside activities must be released by inner reflections about choice of lifestyle.

It is about time that we humans calm down and try to see things through the perspective of Mother Earth. We have been conquering her long enough already.

We need to stop for a while and re-think the whole way that we do things. There is way to much egoistical behavior that only serve the further development of generations without care for others than themselves.

We have chosen a different path here. We speak the truth, no matter how tough it may be. We think twice before spending unnecessary money. And we live as simple and straightforward as possible.

And I listen carefully to the whining from places where they should know better. Please notice that we don´t experience that from weak and vulnerable people.

In Denmark, many people are considering going to their holiday homes at Easter soon. The police are asking them to really re-consider that choice of behavior.

I´m not happy about it. We have been told that stronger measures might be taken in use, if we didn´t listen right here and now. And the legislature behind is already available.

So what is it that makes it so extremely difficult to listen and to adapt to the new life situation for us all?

What is it that is so exciting or necessary that the rules are repeatedly broken?

And what is it that makes some people believe that they are entitled to behave grossly in a serious crisis where so many people die?

Living in a rich country is not necessarily an advantage. I´m sorry to say that our way of life throughout several decades now needs to grow up. Again, it is about choices and priorities.

But I hope that we in my country will continue to stay at home, as the big majority until now have done better by the day. The world don´t need unnecessary driving right now.

The weather is foretold to be more than fair, and that has always made the most of us go out and enjoy it.

We can still do that, through the windows. I have a big garden, so I´m blessed. I appreciate it so much more this year. I know that if quarantined, I will have to look at it from inside my home.

I have always had flowers and plants in my life, whether living in big house as now or in the past in small apartments. I have always tried to use what I had before I bought something new.

I don´t chase the golden calf anymore, however. I don´t go out much either. Only if I have to or if we are on a trip with the kids. So this new lifestyle of staying home suits me well.

I just wish that it didn´t have to be a deadly virus that brought people together, only apart. We humans have so much potential, so why spill all the talents on hanging on to old and past ideas that are not good for anybody anyway?

We need to conquer ourselves before trying to restore a new normal that will be the consequence also many years from now. We need to ask ourselves questions about the ways we choose to live our lives.

And we need to stop being so egoistical and careless because this virus don´t care about us at all. It is just there and suddenly everywhere. A dangerous visitor, our Majesty the Queen warned us about.

It is also about moral dilemmas. Can we conquer ourselves enough not to do stupid and dangerous things? For once, we truly have the chance to try it out for real. So I hope that most people will listen and that the behavior of the few stand out for us all to watch.

Let the good examples thrive and keep on inspiring millions of people worldwide. Let this crisis be the lesson to learn from in the future. And let this virus die out soon. So mote it be.

Picture of Bessi from Pixabay 

One of these days

My little home school needs a Spring break for a day. It is one of these days where everything I do becomes totally different from the point where I began.

My head feels strangely puffy, I´m restless and lack mental energy, and the news stream will have to wait for me today. I´m pretty moody, and it´s only eleven o´clock in the morning.

I get by with the aid from music in different genres and with writing as my refuge. Perhaps I can regain enough energy to play with the kids later today.

After a hot bath and a fresh brewed cup of coffee, everything usually feels better, so that´s my plan for this morning when I have written my hands warm again.

One of these days, things will grow worse, the numbers of casualties will rise, and we will have to be strong and continue to keep being together, only apart.

I do what I´m told to do. I do my best to stay sane and safe at a time, where the present moment is bliss, and the future is scary and full of possible scenarios that easily can go terribly wrong.

But I don´t like this at all. And I don´t know how to tell my Self that this will be over some day, somehow. Just don´t know when.

It is the uncertainty of so scary many elements that have to play in tune to be effective. It is the common burden of tragic losses. And the worst part is that it grew so big due to humans and our so egoistical approach to everything all the time.

We just can´t help trying to play a game that is for gods and goddesses only to try to win.

We want to know it all, possess it all, and control it all. And so we chase our own tails in the dance around the golden calf.

One of these days, as -Mother Earth is awakening, we will see the major consequences of this crisis, live on TV, from our homes, and I will bow my head and cry my heart out.

I get sad when I see and hear about people who cannot or, worse, will not respect the new standards of living in a modern society.

It brings out both the best and the worst in people. The best I nourish my mind and soul with. The worst I condemn in the strongest possible way. And they have already begun bringing people to justice in my country, Denmark.

This blog is becoming my window to the world. For many years, I have been on a quest for practical solitude in a still more stressed and exhausted world.

Now, I have another kind of solitude. Now, I need to break the inner silence and speak from the bottom of my heart. Now, I call shame on people who steal necessary protection from those who need it desperately. To be able to help and to be able to live.

Or on those whose behavior during such a tragic moment for humankind is wrong in every meaning of the word. Like driving like crazy, spitting on police officers, and abusing the situation to trick or threaten people.

They are seen and heard, welcome on the front page. No fun in that, and the Oscar doesn´t go to idiots and bad people for a reason.

One of these days, however, it will also be better in some ways, just don´t know where, how, and when.

It is the when that is hard to stay in pole position for. I´m waiting for the re-opening of society. Too soon is dangerous. Too late is dangerous. I´m happy that I´m only me and that I don´t have to make the decisions here.

We have a good Prime Minister. And most people in my country work together with the authorities to conquer the Corona virus.

So we are safe here. I´m grateful that I live in Denmark. But it saddens my heart deeply when I watch the world fight for life. I lit my healing candle as often as possible.

One of these days, it will all be over again. But nothing will ever be the same as before. May the world use its potential well for the greater good rather than egoistical reasons.

One of these days, please, dear Universe. So mote it be.

Picture of Gerd Altmann from Pixabay