Today has been long and both tough and great at the same time. But what a beautiful day anyway. The mood quite fine, thank you. Despite another press conference, despite physical pain, despite a thundering headache.
Of the irritating character that is.
With tension in the neck rather than pain, but deeply annoying nevertheless. Today, I´m definitely not amused by the thought of any ailment to conquer.
But that´s just the way life also is. I promise, it won´t affect my good spirit, my feeling of a beginning mental surplus, or my joy about being alive one more day.
However thoughtful these press conferences make me, I´m too happy to cry and too tired to laugh. So I´m probably in a petty dive temporarily because I do feel content and grateful.
Tonight, my drawing experience will center around Mjolnir, the hammer of Thor. The great Nordic god that rules throughout the year in his strongest symbol, the hammer.
It is a drawing that will play tricks on me due to its level of difficulty. But why hit the trees, when you in reality want to hit the stars? I try to challenge everything I know about drawing and try learning anew.
What a beautiful day it has been with my husband and the little wise, old dog. I even managed to do a few more chores than I have been doing for almost half the year.
We take our strict precautions when we have to face the outside world. But when we are at home, we live our lives as were we living on a desert island.
So although I sound serious and sharp from time to time, today is a beautiful day, today is worth every ache and pain, and today I need to rant about being happy and nostalgic simultaneously.
I´m happy, content, and thriving. Yet I still miss my late mother who died almost six years ago. So much has happened since, I try to think about what she would have said and done in times of trouble.
She would probably say something like, pull yourself together and fight for what you believe in, do your best every time, and remember to laugh a lot, too.
So that´s what I´m doing when I put action behind my words. I made the following note to Self today :
Be happy when out of bed in the morning because I´m alive yet another day.
Get my things done without being grumpy because it will only be done with will-power.
Remember to appreciate those I want in my life in time to do just that.
And last, but not least, to look in the mirror in the morning and remind me of these words.
Words are only valuable when transformed into action.
And I tried it out, a perfect exercise in shadow work.
Tonight, I send everybody in the world lots of online hugs, positive Karma, and a blessing for happiness, inner peace, good health and kindness in us all.
After the celebration of a sweet child´s birthday it is time to relax and enjoy the feelings from a good experience in good company. It is time to do as little as possible, and it is time to live life to its fullest.
Here at my little sacred spot, my creative Self contemplates a new drawing to do tonight. Began yesterday with a biker theme, a pin-up, and a Crab for my Zodiac sign, Cancer.
I have a close friend who creates beautiful pieces of art and gladly helps me improve my techniques. This is the drawing course I never took the time and the effort to enjoy.
Before now that is. We also get to meet both at mine and her place. And I´m awaiting the next session that is scheduled for tonight. Where the theme is cartoons, and my choice is the Aristocats from Disney.
So, on a late Sunday afternoon, I´m in my happy mood, everything looks just fine, and the only clouds are outside beyond my control. For once, I´m able to write about the many positive things in my life.
First, I´m so grateful for my husband and our life together. Without him, I would be so utterly lost. He is the light of my life, my one and only, and the best friend a woman could wish for.
Second, I´m so lucky to have friends for life, who stay and help also in the darkest of hours, who are willing to talk about both the highs and the lows of the everyday, and who I know I always can trust.
And third, I´m so happy to live in a very special rainbow family, where a word is a word, where we stand together no matter what, and where we help each other up again after a longer dive of depression.
On a late Sunday afternoon, life feels kind of great right now. Looking out to the outside world is necessary, but in small doses only. Things are going the wrong way in Denmark.
And I think it won´t be long before the next lockdown. Why people are behaving so careless, I have given up trying to understand. I shake my head and take my strict precautions anyway.
And I will keep on trucking as long as it takes. I have also come to the ultimate conclusion about my anxiety and my bipolar disorder. They will not conquer me, and I dare them to face me.
I will be more than ready to fight back the hard way, inch by inch. Now, I truly understand how much my hard work is paying off right now. It is worth every tear, every inner boxing match.
I have wanted for so long for the spark of creativity, and now my Muse is back for real. I use my drawing to calm myself down, and it is both fun and thoughtful to experience what shadows actually can do.
Then a drawing become almost alive, and I want to do a lot more of that. I have already many plans, so I´m careful to choose the ones best suited for me.
My ritual will have to wait a little longer, though. I write and I draw. For now, that´s more than enough to me. But I will work with my ritual nevertheless in the coming week.
And by waiting for the right time, I also get enough time to really go in-depth and create something special. The right time is soon, perhaps in a week or two.
It all depends on whether my mood remains stable. But I think it will due to my strict control with what I want in life. I want to be happy, to be creative, and to be brutally honest about my disorders.
It is hard work for the rest of my life. But it is possible to live a good life with anxiety and bipolar disorder. And I learn so much about myself and I understand so much more how my loved ones feel.
It is not a question about whose fault it is. It is not an excuse to become overtaken by apathy, and it is a duty of honor to try to do your very best every single day and night in this life.
On a late Sunday afternoon, it is a privilege to be the better me again. I have everything I need close by, I feel better, and I´m freed from racing thoughts.
So I feel confident that this Fall will bring lots of positive experiences and also lots of difficult challenges. But we face it all together here, so come on life, throw us at the wolves, and we´ll come back ruling them.
Now it is time for a long hot bath, and to relax and wait for tonight´s drawing session. May tomorrow bring happiness, inner peace, health, and kindness to us all wherever we are.
Change has arrived at last. Now, I´m in my high-spirited mood again, and life feels almost perfect were it not for back pain that began a couple of days ago when I woke up.
It has been a while since my latest troubles with my lower back. I used to be a cleaning lady in my younger years, and it damaged my back permanently. I have degenerative disc disorder in my lower back.
So I almost forgot how painful it can be. The other day, I felt it immediately as I woke up. Thundering headache and excruciating pain attacks.
Now, I´m in the aftermath of strong pain killers and a lot of shifts between sitting, lying, standing, and walking. The pain decides which to choose right now.
But my spirit is high, the better me is back. After months of being depressive, this is freedom. It is time for my Muse to land on my shoulder again.
Fall has come, too. My healing ritual is set for next week, Samhain is my next Sabbath to plan, and soon, it will be time to walk in the nearby forest to enjoy the colors of Fall.
The next couple of weeks will be tough because I need to be crtical with what I choose to do or not. My rising energy level needs to be tamed, so that I don´t burn my life´s candle in both ends.
Therefore, I plan to use every strategy possible to be both energetic and slow moving at the same time. But after a few weeks, I know that everything will be fine again when I find the right balance.
The change differs mentally from the physical aspects due to my other ailments that right now are tormenting me. Anxiety behaves, although I sense a small attack or two now and then this afternoon.
So, this Fall begins with lots of plans and, hopefully, a rising energy level. The weather fits the season with little, fiery rain showers shifting to beautiful and fair Indian summer.
I say welcome back to the better me because it feels so much more free on the high side of the scale of highs and lows. This year, the shift has been long in the making.
Everything is markedly different from any previous year I can remember. A new agenda in the form of a virus determines our behavior and ways to cope with life.
In the outside world that is. Here, change is more a personal choice of lifestyle. We have our own rules, and they are both easy and demanding at the same time.
Don´t play tricks on us, don´t lie to us, and don´t take us for granted. Our life experience tells us that such rules are necessary and healthy. If we can abide to them, then change is a friend and not an enemy here.
Listening to the late Danish national poet, Kim Larsen, to songs about life, love, and the everyday. Beautiful lyrics, feel good tunes, then the pace is set for a creative writing session.
I´m a bit philosophical today. I take a stroll down Memory Lane every once in a while and try to change negative experiences into a positive outlook on life as it comes.
I believe that nothing happens without some sort of reason. Meaninglessness is destructive only, so I search for meaning in whatever I do.
Yet another press conference is a few minutes away. About the Corona situation in Denmark. Better watch at least some of it, for it has been a while since I last actually watched TV.
I mostly use it as background noise for the many evenings and nights when I´m in the writing mood. But okay, today I´ll watch some TV, treat my back gently on the couch, and be the better me.
Welcome back to joy, to enthusiasm, and to gratitude. Thank you, dear Universe, for the burden of a bipolar disorder that can be tamed, if only you dare to fight back with everything you got.
Although happy and mentally high on new ideas, the better me, with the aid of prescription medicine and intensive therapy for the rest of my life, knows how to keep the leash on me.
I have found the balance between ups and downs now. I may still rock the boat, but I have also control over the oars. And anxiety remains calm in its corner, not a single hiss or sigh.
It is a day of mix between sun and rain, between sweet and sour, and between happiness and sorrow. A trip down Memory Lane happens a couple of times a year here.
I have fifty-one years to run through. And I both cry my heart out and laugh as loud as possible. For I have seen and heard everything worth knowing from this and that.
Regarding people, I really don´t have any experience left, except for kindness, gratitude, and decency, that would make me trust more than I do by now.
The human factor is always unpredictable. Therefore, I´m so careful to work with myself and the curiosity shop of ailments that I live with. To trust in yourself is the most difficult job of all.
But it is necessary no matter what. May your weekend be blessed with lots of laughter and the art of creating lasting memories in the moment that life happens. As in right now. So mote it be.
Here darkness co-rules about half the year. With light as its fierce counterpart. In between the shadows, there you find me, the writer, the witch, and the best and the worst parts of me.
Now, Fall is getting closer by the day. Soon, darkness will eventually prevail over light for the next half of the year. But yet we have the promise of Indian summer.
As a writer, I know the true writing season for me lies right ahead. I feel the words flow easier onto paper or the next page in my novel, the next blog post, and the next idea. It has begun, my second writing year.
My second writing year here on this blog is in full bloom right now. It´s Friday again already, where did this week go? Time races along, as if the Devil himself had awoken on a really bad day.
As a witch, I sense change up and about with all my five known senses and the sixth with which we once were taught around the bonfires. I´m mentally preparing for Samhain, my kind of New Year.
Samhain is my favorite Sabbath, for here I allow myself to be nothing but a witch all day and some of the night, too. At Lammas, too much was going on. And Mabon depends on what happens next in my life.
As the worst parts of me are turning away from my best that are both realistic and long wanted here. Now, I´m more than sure. I´m changing moods little by little.
At the moment, my anxiety is under strict control. My bipolar friend, however, is finally balancing itself to my creative side. It has been deeply missed for some of the longest months of my life so far.
In between the shadows, I´m always to be found. I´m a grey witch, meaning that nothing is pure black or white around here. There are always two sides of an issue to consider.
What matters the most is the intent behind the ritual. The rest is concentrated on making the most of what I already have rather than being a matter of extra props and accessories.
What I have is a carefully chosen and wild collection of a mixture between bought objects and homemade items. With the main goal to enhance the spiritual feeling of ultimate inner peace, aka magick.
I need to finish my plans for a beautiful, healing, and peaceful ritual that have been neglected due to my current mental challenges. The energy level rises, though, so this weekend I will focus on my next ritual.
I need to look through my writing projects to evaluate and to work out a new writing habit. I need to be much more organized, and therefore, I will try this Fall to write in the mornings, especially on the good energy days.
And I need to do the laundry after writing this. An irritating little task that always end up taking lesser time than dreaded, yes, I do procrastinate. A lot.
So there are plenty of choices to make this Friday and this weekend. And change is inevitable anyway. I prefer the high-spirited part of me to this slow, winding, and yearning time span of the low reality of being bipolar.
in between the shadows, there lies the spot with the choice about either living a happy life or compromising my Self by negating the truth. The truth that very well may hurt, but nevertheless it remains the truth.
I have been to that spot numerous times in my life. And every time, it is a demanding tour de force to work my way through yet another difficult and life-changing choice.
Today, I know what fights not to pick, that no option should be left open, and what it is that makes me happy in life. The little things in my everyday, the feeling I get from my husband´s smile, the morning Sun.
What doesn´t change at all for the rest of my life is my respect of Self. It will be never be up for sale at any price whatsoever. That spot in between the shadows has taught me to trust my gut feeling
To accept what you can´t change, to change what you can´t accept, and to be able to tell the difference, that´s one of the principles I try to live after. The second being acknowledging the truth in time to respond by free will.
The third, so towering demanding, to dare to become the better me whom I know lives inside my worst me and vice versa. Right now, procrastinating the laundry task, the better me better show up soon.
Had a longer afternoon nap, so after this, up the stairs and clear that laundry away even sooner than I all day have been dreading. It is only a matter of getting it done before the weekend begins for real.
And with a delicious meal, created by my sweet husband, I should be able to close the week with the laundry task to the tunes of loud and happy music.
In between the shadows, there we will meet soon again, dear readers and followers. Please take extra good care of yourselves today, it is both the time and the right decision to do so.
My thoughts this late afternoon go to those in the realm of choices to be made. For every choice there is at least one consequence. But it could be worse not to make a choice at all.
Hi there, dear readers and followers. How are you today, what´s going on at your place, and are you flying high or diving low?
Here at my sacred spot on Mother Earth, domestic bliss, lit healing candles, and a cup of coffee are the settings for my tasks of today. First, write something positive worth reading.
Second, a call from the counselor team at 11 o´clock CET. I know it will be a mixture of joy and silent tears. I have embarked on a brand new journey, now I know life pain from the happy smile on people´s faces.
And third, a small shopping trip alone because my husband has a broken toe to cope with. Oh, do I know the pain from a night walk to the bathroom when your toes hit something on the way back to sleep.
I have side effects of my prescription medicine today. So, I´m shaking and jitterbugging every once in a while. But it´s okay, it´s just the way some things are in my everyday.
Flying high, diving low. A perfect description of my bipolar disorder that these weeks shows me its diving stage. Where I´m most uncertain, where my shadow Self feeds me with doubts, and where silent tears often hide.
My mood is mixed quite a lot this morning. I´m happy, content, and mentally healthy enough to get my tasks done without fearing an unexpected anxiety attack.
But I´m also listening to the blues today. It´s a difficult time to maneuver around people in. I choose to only speak the truth, however frank and painful it may be.
Longing for the next flight, without soaring like an eagle due to a closely regulated medicine strategy, my iron will, and positive attitude toward living well with a bipolar disorder.
My creative drive lies here, whereas my depressive low dive creates this unnerving mental fog in my mind. I can feel the light at the end of the tunnel, but it takes perhaps a few weeks before it will change again.
This year, I change relatively often, but I ascribe it to the general uncertainty of this era in my life. Today, I will need to go out in the outside world and face the sum of all my fears, all at once.
But I´m prepared, and therefore, I´m using this quiet part of the day to call in the extra energy that I preserve for such days. And I also plan for an afternoon nap if necessary.
Oh, I almost forgot that I need to call my 82-year-old father today as well. So I have a full plate to split between minor tasks so that the shopping trip won´t eat up all my spare energy-
Flying high, diving low. From believing nothing is impossible to feeling everything is unattainable. It is a long stretch to be able to juggle with. And to communicate with other people, not the least.
Living with the need to communicate clearly what´s going inside me today every day is sometimes a challenging experience. Because it is difficult to translate into understanding and peace of mind.
Often, relatives are overheard, forgotten, left to try to make something sensible out of a babbling chatterbox, or a sobbing Crone with the joys of menopause.
Therefore, it is my duty and honor to tell how I feel, what I need them to understand, and how they can remember to take good care of themselves. I need to help them to stop blaming themselves.
And I don´t blame me either anymore. I was born with it, and I´m going to die with it. So I might as well try my damn best to make sure that I control it rather than it haunts me and ruin their lives.
There are incredible and irresistible days, where everything just happens like pearls on a string. And there are the cruel, lonely times, where nothing seems to make sense or help change the outcome.
I´m proud to admit that I have a fling with meaninglessness and stupid people. It´s a shame there is so much of it nowadays. Life is so rich in better experiences if we only dare to truly seize the moment.
And a fair price and tribute in return are to begin showing some heartfelt gratitude for what you already have. I guarantee, here in a small but unique society, most of us have more than we need to have.
In time, it will be a significant priority here to strip ourselves from unnecessary attachments in the form of property, knick-knacks, and all kinds of physical memories.
We plan to give the place an overhaul when Fall arrives soon. Then, I will make a photo-journal to function as a great memory when I grow older. Right now, I´m busy trying to become an adult and to accept some facts.
One, in particular, is the fact that I´m a Crone by now. The Maiden felt light years ago, the Mother, in spirit if not in blood, is an awe-inspiring experience, and the Crone in me embraces the great wilderness of life.
Somewhat of a Warrior, too, yes, I dare to fight whatever obstacles life and my inner sweet and sour devils throw at me. This year, on October 1st, I have been early retired for ten years.
My husband has had almost five years with the same status. A harsh, strong, and fast-lane life wore us down before we knew of it. It was a cat´s game with the mouse, us spiraling downward way too fast.
But we are still standing today. And there´s a routine to do, a basis to rely on. Today, it´s my turn to take a share of the teamwork here. Together, we are magick.
And magick, I feel all over my body, mind, and soul today. Flying high, diving low is a tricky balance to maintain and try to enjoy at the same time.
Counting minutes to my counseling call. I have both the happy and the darker moments to talk about and remove from my automatic writing of fears to fear.
The fear of experiencing fear is a little, nasty, and deceitful friend to have to get to terms with. But it is there, hissing in its shadowy corner, and it will challenge me if it spots the slightest view of my low Self.
The unknown may seem scary, intense, and fantastic, all at once. That´s what I feel when I write that this is a time, where the Earth spins 360 degrees around itself once again.
And both extremes can be overwhelming, educational, and even beautiful if handled with respect and intensive care. But I prefer the equilibrium, the feeling of inner peace from life in proper balance.
What I hate about being bipolar is that I can feel the transits between moods. So flying high, diving low is felt here, thank you. And thank you, dear loved ones, for being so important a part of my life.
Now, I need a break for perhaps half an hour with a little luck and universal magick. My call is only seven minutes away. When I return, I will listen to happy music, for my sole aim today is to try to be satisfied.
Forty minutes later, I feel refreshed however slightly moved in my thoughts. From a raging inferno to this blissful inner silence, there is only a phone call between the extremes.
So, I also feel mood swings during the day? Oh, yes, and remember, this is coming from the Crone with a funny friend, menopause. I laugh and cry even more than I used to do in my younger days.
More often these months, I shift from crying over absolutely nothing to laughing at just about everything sometimes. And also often combined. Anyway, I cry, and I dare to write it in public.
In general, I dare to write in public about my life as a writer, witch, and human being. I like the idea of writing as a tool and a craft with which it is possible to make a positive difference in the debate on mental disorders.
There is enough fake news, prejudices, and misunderstandings in the world about it already. And if my words do reach and helps somebody out there, my work has been more than good enough.
The witchcraft part is always here, often blended in between the lines, as it is an all-embracing lifestyle to me. I will write about my next ritual when I get the energy to set the date.
With rituals, I always work with deadlines. Otherwise, my ability to procrastinate kicks in, I get stressed by my own shadow, and it won´t feel right during the ritual.
As a human being, I write about my life while it happens. It is lively, at times slippery, but also so privileged journey to be one to experience. For my life and all that comes along with it, I´m grateful.
Flying high, diving low, right now a firm grip on anxiety and soon time to go shopping alone. The weather is gray, suits me fine today. I´m not the talkative stranger type, nope, today I´m focused and quick.
It is something to just get done and then to move on from. It can be a trigger, I never know before it is over and done with. But I´ll go after my call to my father.
May your day be blessed with fair weather, domestic bliss, and comforting inner peace, dear readers and followers. As we will it, so mote it be.
Moving on can be hard to do. Especially if deep and contrasting feelings are involved. But it can be the only and the best way to concentrate one´s focus on living a happy and enriching life.
Moving on often hurts like hell, while everything is unsettled. But people do grow apart from each other, and it is never an easy task to make the final decision and move on.
Moving on is more comfortable to give advice on than actually to dare face the consequences of and cut the binding cords between people. I have dear friends who right now have to make such a choice.
The worst part is that I care for both of them, and I on the one hand wish that they will be able to solve their problems without so much pain. On the other hand, it is getting far too late to return to what once was.
I have tried it several times in my life. Today, I´m happily married to a wonderful, caring, and sweet husband. But we also have had our share of doubts and considerations about the future together.
The love between us is healthy. Strong enough to break a negative spiral with substance abuse, a rotten household economy, and various mental disorders.
Now, my dear friends face the harsh reality of the possibility of a need to move on and let go. Three children deserve happy parents. And my heart is heavy these days.
But a sincere and brutally honest conversation helped. It was liberating to put words on how I feel about my friends and their decisive moments in life.
And I can only offer to be present and help with what I have to give. It is not so much while I´m in my depressive mode, but I also have to take care of me in the midst of all this.
The Corona-crisis has many victims in its wake, and the lockdowns do not make living easier this year. We all have to adapt tp new and scary circumstances, and there is no deadline for a virus.
I would not be a true friend, did I not speak the ultimate truth, when I have a serious conversation with my friends for life. We share an extraordinary bond that I would hate to lose.
So, of course, I´m worried that they won´t make it as a couple for much longer. I know how tough a breakup can be. And it is even harder when there are kids to make happy at the same time.
If I didn´t care, I would simply withdraw permanently. My friends know me well, so they know that I only remove myself from the equation now and then to take care of the better me who needs peace.
I got the feeling this morning that the conversation helped us both. And I now know that the decision will be made soon. So, I can only wait now and hope for the best outcome.
In the meanwhile, it´s about time that I created a beautiful, mentally enhancing, and healing ritual. With all the good stuff out from cabinets and a growing number of wooden boxes and accessories.
That will be the task for today´s afternoon. This morning, I write my way through a slippery path, I´m warming up to my work with the old goddesses.
It began with a few of the dark goddesses. The Crones, the hags, the least popular in the schoolyard. Now, it is a research project, where I until now have examined 77 different goddesses.
Across borders and cultures. I look worldwide when I look for answers to my innate curiosity. Oh, would I like to meet my Ancestors and people from many eras ago?
I´m pretty sure they all as one would look at me and say to the peoples of today´s society and me that we need to get a firm grip and move on. We can´t continue our ways.
We need to look at ourselves in the mirror. Oh, such eyes I meet with mine. It is my guide to move on if I´m in a situation where that is a fact to consider.
The peoples of this world also need to move on and that sooner than later. We have even a pandemic to fight with. It is now that change is inevitable. And we better make the most of it. Tomorrow it can be way too late.
I have an extremely ambivalent feeling of this pandemic era that we are all living in right now. I like to see and hear about people helping each other and being nothing but kind.
But I dread the news about yet another fight, yet another disaster, and yet another argument. It doesn´t feel good at all. And there is way too much going on right now for me to embrace.
It is through my writing here on this blog that I have a small window to the world to hold onto. It helps me more than I have the words for. My family and friends are my foundation. Because they care.
Like we all have to begin to do. To really care and to meet people at the place they are, in their pace, and with mutual respect. The fighting has to come to an end. There is only one thing worth fighting for.
And that is peace. Everything is so much more comfortable with both physical and inner peace. But to gain peace, it is essential to stop fighting. When I struggle for peace, I fight with a positive outlook on life.
It is about showing respect, both to Self and others. And we lack it desperately in modern society. Common courtesy should be a school demand for everybody to learn.
It is about taking both sides of an issue into consideration and make a decision from the point of view that echoes in the heart. And it is about moving on if necessary or inevitably.
Yes, the world can be a scary experience. Sometimes, I wish that time would halt, if only for a few seconds. But I know it´s impossible, and that time has a life of its own.
I´m awaiting my weekly counselor call. Tomorrow, I will tell the team about my bipolar. We can perhaps even celebrate an extra day without anxiety if I´m as lucky today as I have been for more than a week now.
But today, I will celebrate life. By creating a beautiful ritual, by writing, and by simply be the better me. I know that me from the mirror, and I know when to abide that expression in the eyes.
You still rock, you old girl. And Self, remember that moving on may be the best possible way to tackle anxiety and bipolar disorder. It may be difficult at times, but I wouldn´t wish for a different life.
I know the hard way how to move on and never to look back. I have no regrets whatsoever anymore. I have let go of my past so that it today only shows up on special occasions, as it should be doing.
I can´t change anything anyway, so why not move on in my pace and enjoy the present daily moments I get instead. And nobody can promise me a new tomorrow.
Therefore, I have chosen to live in the present moment, to live in an alternative atmosphere, and to truly embrace happiness. This is me, the happy, although slightly depressive, writer, witch, and human being.
To move on is to keep on trucking no matter what life throws at me. I´m still learning the lessons of my life, and right now, moving on seems to be the most appropriate decision to make.
So, I´ll leave you. for now, dear readers and followers. May this day be free of troubles, peaceful, and blissfully quiet for once. To listen to a conversation is just as important as showing respect.
And the world seriously needs to shut up, pardon my French, and to stop fighting itself all the time. Dear Universe, may the world come to its senses and behave for once.
We live in troubled times. We live in an enclosed Paradise. And we live in the wake of the ups and downs between moods. It is a day of mixed emotions.
My bipolar is mocking me today. It is my depressive mood that it wants to leave inside me. The anxiety, however, behaves itself. Today, I´m in the thoughtful mood, the one that needs to make some serious decisions.
When you come to the point with something or somebody that you feel that you can´t come any further. Perhaps it is just the way things are. And it is time to pick up the pieces and move on.
It is about choosing the right fight to fight. It is about having to make choices to stay happy, although it inevitably will end up hurting somebody else. And it is about setting up healthy boundaries.
I need to maintain my inner balance of ups and downs between moods. Especially, when I´m in the depressive mood, in the midst of crisis worldwide.
I definitely don´t need anything else on my plate today, thank you, dear Universe. I´m already busy embracing happiness, inner peace, health, and kindness.
Besides, I don´t have neither the time and energy, nor the slightest interest in more trouble than necessary. Which to me means as little as possible.
So, today equals with self-care, self-love, and self-respect. A long hot bath and comfortable clothing. Writing as my refuge in a chaotic world. And a decision to withdraw even further.
We already live an isolated life. We prefer that to reliving the past each and every day for the rest of our lives. And in this pandemic era, it seems to be the best possible decision to have made.
But personal reasons make it necessary to maintain a healthier boundary between us and the world outside. Closing in on us, it is about time to take care of ourselves before anything else.
By taking care of ourselves, I mean to take precious care of our little Paradise of a big house, a beautiful garden, and wonderful possiblities only awaiting activity.
Anything and anybody else must either wait or do the same. Now is not the time to fight somebody´s else cause. And it is not only necessary, it´s fair, too.
Such considerations inevitably will hurt, it is so unpleasant to have to say, and I always feel extremely bad about it. Until it is done. Then I move on on my terms only.
The road to that consequence is long, painful, and definite. I hate such moments, but I also learn my lessons from them. And maintaining healthy, personal boundaries between yourself and others is important.
We all have a life of our own to think of. It is wonderful to share something, but nobody can give anything, if there are no resources left for Self at the end of the day.
I admit frankly that I´m everything but perfect. I have lived long enough to know that I have both flaws and quirks, that I am the kind of person who only knows the tough lane, and that I often make mistakes.
Luckily enough, my main goal in life has never been to be most popular girl around the neighborhood. I so much prefer the simple, yet complicated way of handling life at its worst and its best at the same time.
In the wake of ups and down between moods, I long for the positive stories, the funny stupid nonsense done by stupid people in general, and the long, deep laughter that liberates twice as much as do tears.
That´s what I search for in all areas of my life. A positive outlook, the fun aspects of life, and laughing as life-enriching therapy. It´s a direct opposite to being in the lower levels of bipolar disorder.
And it is so effective, if you only dare to try living a different lifestyle, where a word is a word, every action has a corresponding consequence, and the main goal is to make the most of everything available.
To put action behind the written words is to me to try to get up every morning with the sole purpose of making it a day to remember. To create memories together is to live life for better or for worse.
And we only get this one chance to try to find out what happens, if we dare to jump out into life and truly enjoy the ups and downs in tune with Nature and our inner shadow Self.
Neverthelsss, I write with a heavy heart.
Because it is mentally challenging to on the one side to experience a beautiful path of happiness, on the other side people are drowning in troubles, one more accelerating than the other.
But I wouldn´t try to escape from the reality, even if I could. This puts my life in its true perspective, and it enhances my life experience. And if that won´t work, well, then I always have the mirror in my bathroom.
To look in there with my eyes is true learning. Cut down to base, no excuses left, and brutal honesty. I can at any time feel if anything is not okay.
Then I search for something to do about it as soon as possible. Some issues requires both time and deep contemplation. And they often come with a heavy price.
That is called life lessons in my perspective. And, in the wake of the ups and downs between moods, the true ones hurt the most. When you come to the point of needing to letting go.
Being happy and deeply in love with my husband at the same time helps more than any word can express. It is here I put my focus, it is here I belong, and it is here life is lived.
So I better make the most of it, including deep and personal boundaries between my Self and other people´s serious troubles. Shadow work is always tough, however.
Without darkness, there would be no light. Without light, there would be no darkness. I choose to live my life through the shadows of black and white. Therefore, I´m a grey witch.
Next week is for creative projects and writing alone. Need to do the laundry and other chores first. But then the great fun of being able to do something I love to do.
For my life, I´m grateful. I wouldn´t try to escape the difficult spots, even if I could. So, in the wake of the ups and downs between moods, there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and there is domestic bliss.
Getting back in the saddle demands a deep-felt commitment, lots of hard work, and a positive outlook on life in general. It is the only path forward, so I pull myself together once more to regain control.
The anxiety, however, remains peaceful and quiet. What I´m experiencing, then, is that my depressive side of being bipolar has some major challenges to conquer.
It would be way too easy to get overwhelmed by insecurity, self-pity, and a feeling of being inadequate. I would rather fight back than would I voluntarily expose myself to the downward spiral of depression.
So to avoid that, I need to put up a firm barrier between my Self and my shadow side. I also need to let my loved ones know that I, too, have transparent and fair limits for my commitment.
I can´t afford mentally to over-burden myself with fights that are not mine to fight. Therefore, I need to withdraw and to rebuild my Self for some time beginning from today.
I have decided to cut down on my online time, meaning that I will spend less time with my cell phone and concentrate on writing something worth reading.
So less screen time, unless it is on my laptop about writing my novel and blog posts like this one. I almost guarantee I won´t be able to feel the difference when I return and again participate in any online activities.
Nothing much going on anyway, except for the dumb deeds done by stupid people that we all get to feel the consequences for. And they are getting dumber, crazier, and worse by the hour.
To be back in the saddle and preferably stay there is painful, hard as the road to hell and back, and demanding. I have to use my deposits of inner strength to get there, and at the same time, I need to refuel it.
Because running out of inner strength is simply not an option to me. But nothing comes without a price, that means being a lot more tired than usual, putting up personal boundaries, and do serious self-care.
I don´t get angry or upset very often due to the stress stemming from it. It is only when things get way out of control, and enough is enough that I as much as contemplating anger as a choice to resolve a problem.
But I got angry this week, and now I pay the full price. I feel like I have been hit by a train, I hurt all over my body, and inside I feel used and tired.
My mood is better today, but that it is only because my eyes in the morning mirror told me to shape up and face the music once and for all. So, today is going to be a good day, Self.
I hate being depressive, for it replaces my lively energy with silence, way too many thoughts racing through my mind, and many a deep sigh. Therefore, this weekend needs creative inputs.
I have face masks to sew, a big canvas to paint on, and witchcraft studies to concentrate on. And it is also time for a new healing ritual and much more focus on working with daily mini-rituals.
The road to getting back in the saddle is treacherous, challenging, and slippery. Depression knows how to knock me down again and again, anxiety lurks in the background, and the aftermath of anger is painful.
So I hurt all over my body, my mental state of mind is imbalanced, and it irritates me that I had to resort to anger due to something that I didn´t expect would happen.
It always takes a couple of days to cool down, but I have learned my life lessons and practice self-care to the point of perfection. I prioritize my precious time now.
My time is not for arguments or constant trouble to sort out. When it gets too close, I immediately resort to my back-in-the-saddle strategies. Which are to cut down my online time and do what I love the most to do.
My problem has been to keep the right balance between being happy and content with my life while some of my dear friends fight for a better one. And that I have to protect myself without being able to help.
Today, I deliberately choose happiness over times of trouble. I want to laugh hard and long, I need to feel joy again, and I prefer my simple, yet complicated life to anything from the outside world.
Today is a good day, nothing will change that, as long as I work hard throughout the day to regain inner strength, to count my blessings, and to find my way to happiness, inner peace, health, and kindness again.
And today is the first in the rest of my life. It better be a good one for I have neither patience nor energy to feel bad again today. The whole week has had enough of that.
No, I prefer the simple approach to life. There is no need to complicate it further by adding more troubles to those that already have shown up. My strategy is to avoid getting too involved in more than I can chew.
So I´m back in the saddle, behind the keyboard where I feel peace, inner calm, and the wonderful lack of any signs of stress and anxiety. With coffee in my cup and lively music in my ears.
Just got a call from my counselor. He also thinks I have chosen the right strategies in a difficult situation. He provided me with an extra call next week with one of his colleagues, as he is leaving for vacation.
So rest assured, I will fight hard to remain in the saddle and in control with myself. Now I have come this far in life, now is my time to experience happiness.
And so I should feel.
May your weekend be blessed and free from troubles of any kind, dear readers and followers.
In the middle of things, life happens. I have just spent a couple of hours wasting both mine and my husband´s time. With what I name Troublesome Everyday.
We wanted to buy a new cell phone. Beginning with our provider, but ending up buying it without subscription. There are security rules and illogical technological solutions to fight with in today´s Denmark.
It is called Nem-ID/Easy ID. The only thing that damn, pardon my French, system can manage is to make our everyday a little more complicated than necessary.
Long story not told here, it would bore us all to death. The conclusion, however, is that it had been so much easier to buy the cell phone without subscription to begin with.
It is not the provider´s fault. It is a dumb system, used by the banks, and so we all had to be involved in the mess. We get all mail from the authorities by old fashioned mail.
But concerning private companies, you have to go to each of them and also contact the ID-authorities, if you want to be free of it permanently.
From time to time, there are big problems, often with security, but nobody seems to care. And so the outside world sneaked up on us this morning. It is a pestilence, so I try to avoid it as much as possible.
They also demand that you turn up in person if it is necessary to make even the slightest change. It could easily be done over the phone or through email correspondence, but no. And it is so in the Corona-era.
My counselor called and told me that a child of one of his colleagues had Corona. So we agreed on immediately to go back to the phone calls rather than visits right now.
During all this crazy phoning around, checking confirmation emails on the laptop, and wondering why the hell the world always is so truly crazy, I try to be me as well.
With a sadder mood than yesterday, but yet without other signs than unhealthy stress. Stemming from the world outside. I hate it when things get unnecessarily complicated, it is impossible to react to.
Because either way, you end up tired, used, and grumpy. And I don´t need it at all.
So, welcome to a truly crazy world.
I have not yet checked the news. And as far as I`m concerned, it can easily wait a couple of hours more today.
Overwhelming, deeply annoying, and downright stupid. Personally, I would be so ashamed, if I had made something so illogical and stupid as an old system, nobody else would buy.
And it is even worse that somebody actually did just that.
It is way faster to use old fashioned pen and paper than maneuvering the demands from society today.
One thing is outside rules that you have to obey to in some way whatever you feel about that. But it is so different from my lifestyle that it also makes me laugh and to turn up the music once more.
Well, this event took between three to four hours to handle. I want to relax for the remains of the day now.
Enjoy my simple life compared that of the so-called modern society, I live in. I don´t miss being out there at all.
I prefer our alternative way of life, where a word is a word, freedom demands hard work, and serious matters are taken care of before they become an unsolvable issue.
No unnecessary hindrances here, thank you, please. No stupid arguments to worry about. And no slow and detached attitude to problem-solving.
My inner stress level needs peace and quiet, my soul needs freedom from stupid people´s stupid ideas that often happen to affect us all in the end anyway.
So I play loud, thundering drums and howling guitar riffs, I write my opinion, and I get to vent and to rant.
That being written, my mood is okay again. There was a tiny touch of frost in my veins when the phone business took place. I was really annoyed for once.
What annoys me most is that I absolutely hate to be annoyed at all. I don´t have time for such stupidity in my everyday. And it is mentally exhausting to deal with.
Therefore, I turn to music and writing to cool down slowly, to calm my senses, and to get back in tune with my happy little existence here.
And I can feel now that it begins to turn to the better side. Then there is time and space again to try to become the better me.
Spend during all this fortunately also a couple of hours in the yard with fresh coffee in my cup and the little wise, old dog happy in his basket with all four paws straight up in the hot air. Probably 80 Fahrenheit.
So I got a lot of time in the Sun, for they have announced thunderstorms combined with hot temperatures all week. It was important to me to get out in free air today.
With only my husband, the three philosophical cats, and the little, wise, old dog.
I am content now. But I don´t like to see and hear what society has become. So no news before I have to again.
Yes, welcome to a truly crazy world. And good luck keeping yourself sane. I think it is a bit uphill right now.
But I´m okay, I have asked for help, and no issue remains unsolved here. And in a few days I receive my new cell phone at my front door. No need to go out in society unless I have to.
It is a blessing to be able to stay home as much as we do here. And now, I just want to listen to loud music and chill. It began as a tough day with a Troublesome Everyday.
But the Sun still shines, the birds keep on singing, and I feel so much better now. Enough stress for today, thank you.
The news got their 5 minutes. I can´t watch or listen to more of it today. I´m way too happy with my life as it is without the heavy influence from the outside world.
Today, my husband and I have been a couple for 12 years. We have been married for 11 years.
It was not written in the stars that our relationship would survive, it has been against all odds, and it was a tough ride to begin with.
We both have mental issues to deal with. We needed to learn how to trust again after spending too much time with the wrong people.
12 years of love is the longest relationship I have been involved in. But I don´t regret as much as a second of it. And I would gladly turn back time and do it all over again.
I found my soul mate 12 years ago. I found the love of my life. And I finally found somebody to trust.
My husband is my best friend, my everything. my one and only. He is always there for me. And he is the one who accepts both the better me and the shadow of me when I feel down.
He has seen me way up high, the whole way down, and he stays no matter what. I have seen him, too, so we know each other on a very deep level.
12 years of love is a long time, but I embrace every second of it. For in my husband I find what I search for concerning love, friendship, and decency.
Together, we have climbed towering mental mountains, fought through hell and back, and experienced each other´s absolutely worst sides.
But the love between us has always created a way out of even the most impossible of situations.
My husband has been sober for seven years now. He has managed to do the work all by himself, where I needed treatment. So I´m so proud of him.
In our everyday, he creates a safe haven for us both, and I feel so secure in his arms.
We can speak about everything, we finish each other´s sentences, and we believe in an alternative lifestyle where we ourselves make the decisions about whom we name family and friends.
We began as the kids we were raised to become. Today, we are both grown-ups and know the difference.
Between what is good for us and what needs to be released and let go of.
Four years ago, we made the decision to change our lifestyle permanently. And many a name has been erased from the address book since.
Because we only want people we can trust in our lives. The rest are of no concern to us anymore, and that is a definitive decision.
12 years of love is a strong sign that we are meant for each other. I know life gives no such guarantees, and eighty percent of life lies in the everyday.
Marriage and relationship is hard work on a daily basis. And the key for us is to be open and honest with each other. We must be able to talk about both the happy and the tough matters in life.
We stand together through thick and thin. And another important thing to remember in a relationship is to give space and real life offline time to the other part.
To give without the expectation of receiving, then everything positive will shine and be attainable.
Concerning the negative and darker aspects of life, we use the same approach. And so far, we are safe here, too.
Today, I continue to feel freedom from anxiety. I have a little hope that it is a sign of better times with my daily boxing game with my friend anxiety.
And such a big day for us helps more than I at the moment have words for.
So here is to love, to friendship, and to the man of my dreams:
Dear husbond of mine, I love you from the bottom of my heart, forever and always you.
12 years of love has changed me into the person I prefer to be. I have learned many of my life´s lessons here.
It has taught me humility, respect, and perseverance. It has become the center around which my life evolves. And it is the best choice I ever made.
To say I do to the reality of living together for the rest of my life.
I did it from day one.
It was and it is difficult at times. Especially when life feels uncertain and unstable. If the basis is not fundamentally rooted in both of us, then things get unnecessarily complicated.
Therefore, we have created a basis to work from, should anything happen.
Therefore, we changed our lifestyle in time to remember to enjoy it as well.
And therefore, we today celebrate 12 years of love.
May your weekend be blessed and filled with love, joy, and laughter, dear readers and followers. And may the world experience some love, too. It is essential in order for it to heal.
Tonight, I´m letting go of what no longer serves me. Especially my inner pain from numerous life incidents where people really hurt me. Certainly also my mistakes, my bad days, and my constant battle with anxiety.
Letting go is not the same as forgetting. I can forgive, but I never forget. Therefore, I need to let go of a box of feelings every once in a while.
I decide what I want to spend my energy on. And neither energy vampires or stupid people have anything to do here.
Letting go and moving on … There are many ways to obtain that moment in time when you first decide to say no, stop, I let go to remain sane and happy.
Every night I do this mental exercise. Every morning I get up with the sole aim to make the most of every possible situation.
In 2020, my letting go exercise is about Corona. Every evening before I go to sleep, I sigh and try to let go of everything about it. I know that only in a couple of hours, there will be more news to deal with.
It will become a sharper routine with time.
Fascinated of the old stories about wild and untamed goddesses who meant a world of difference many years ago.
What do we humans worship today?
Plastic, social status, and the brand new gadgets nobody in reality needs.
I feel a strong connection to other eras in time here on Mother Earth. It gives me the spiritual foundation that I need to let go of stories about other people that does not serve me in a positive way.
If I could have one wish granted, it would be to meet the Ancient Ones, the shamans, the medicine women and men worldwide.
I would ask to their opinion about the so-called modern world. And be ashamed of their answer.
I´m not impressed by humankind at all.
What is so difficult to understand and to take into consideration? How did we become so egoistical and self-righteous?
That the words in a poem ring so true:
“Happiness is the new rich. Inner peace is the new success. Health is the new wealth. Kindness is the new cool” (author unknown to me in present moment).
Letting go to me means to decide where to use energy and where to stay away from.
It is a slippery balance between trusting in other people and self-protection.
And in the end, it is mostly about the ability to trust yourself and your inner gut feeling about somebody or something.
Being brutally honest is my kind of shadow work.
To remain in a good mood despite that is a major victory every day. That is my main goal in life in whatever I do.
Letting go is not an easy task. But it has never been more important than in the present moment. Things happen so fast that nobody can handle it all, all the time.
So, no more news for me today, thank you. Only a happy writer and witch. Only beautiful music in my ears until this blog post is written. And only a feeling of true content with life as it is, tonight I´m free.
So my dear friend got help, thank you dear Universe. And he is missed. But it was necessary to get help. We will get through this together somehow, some day.
With the silence came a full switch in my mood, so I´m now at the lower side, but okay, my refuge is right here.
My medication does perhaps 80 % of the work behind the better me. The rest is entirely up to me to conquer on a daily basis. This is an ordinary Wednesday, and I have the late evening blues.
Meaning that I´m in my sacred space here behind the keyboard once again today. Got my second round of bad news worldwide. And I sigh deeply, take a couple of deep breaths, and begin writing.
I´m pretty concerned about the hasty changes coming forth like angry bees, and I feel like I have to face up to each one of them.
There´s too much going on at the moment. The noise is worse than the silence. And the human factor is even more unpredictable and unstable than it usually seems to be.
I have the opportunity to remain safe at home as much as possible. So to me the creeping, scary feeling of a world in free fall meets me every time I have to go out.
Every time it is a major victory to conquer me and dare to do what you fear the most. The behavior of other people when in public.
I have had good reason for quite a few incidents of trust issues. My life experience tells me to be careful around other people to not get hurt. Now, too many people together at the same time is the issue.
I know that I´m not alone in thinking that this is sad, this is strange, this is a whole new experience for us all, and this is serious for the world.
Right now, I work with dark goddesses and the gray part of magick. I´m on a full-time job with deep shadow work. And I think that a witchcraft ritual might help me letting go of what no longer serves me.
But it is way too hot now, it will be when the weather cools off a bit. I will call upon the aid and support of a couple of dark goddesses, for they are so misunderstood.
Darkness does not exclude light and vice versa. The key is to find the right balance between light and dark shades of life.
Having the late evening blues means jumping between highs and lows during the day. Every day until it switches back to the high side, from which I draw my creative drive.
That drive feels sort of disconnected when I´m depressive. I can reach out for it, however, because I´m also extremely stubborn when it comes to my mental health.
I have to fight back every day, to be the better me. Some days like today, I´m sentimental, grieving, and yet strangely happy.
Sentimental because I feel a sense of being so indefinitely lost that it hurts deep in my heart to see and hear people fight among themselves rather than working together to end this terrible era.
Grieving because I miss my late mother and am happy that she doesn´t have to experience this.
And strangely happy at the same time because we have this sacred spot on a desert island in the midst of a major human tsunami.
Living with fear close by is not unfamiliar when you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, and bipolar disorder.
Plus physical pain from hard work in my younger years. So, on a typical day, I get to know the full scale of emotions between three to five times a day.
But every time I see or hear about what is going on in the world, I get sad but determined. I have too many positive experiences right here, only waiting for me to grab them and enjoy them while there is still time to do so.
This is the late evening blues, and I write with pain between the lines. It is difficult to keep the balance and remember to write about the good stuff too.
Like when a sweet little boy, a sweet little girl, and their elder sister, their mother, my husband and I had dinner together.
Like three happy, laughing children in a pool together with me.
Like looking at my husband when he doesn´t know I´m watching him, and the look in his eyes, when his eyes meet mine.
But it is all there, right before me, to take good care of. To love and to help when it is necessary as it is right now.
So, it is the whole range of emotions that I experience when having a late evening blues.
I write about writing and witchcraft. And I also write about everything in between. About the things that hurt like hell, that make the difference, that makes it all worth fighting for.
It is perfectly okay to feel a need to rant, also twice a day when it is one of the heavy days as today.
I know my friend is in good hands, and I know everything will be just fine. Just don´t know when.
Tonight, I´m gonna watch the stars to see if I can spot some shooting stars with another special friend of mine.
And I will send another wish to the Universe. Please send me a little extra strength so that I can keep conquering anxiety and bipolar another day. Today, there are up until now no attempts to disturb my inner resolve.
About getting closer to the better me day by day. Baby steps if necessary, but the will to never ever give up.
Please send us humans a sign of better times to come. This pandemic era takes its toll on me. A dear friend to me needs help that I can´t give him. He needs experts in mental troubles, he needs a calm place, he needs peace of mind.
Please help him along the way, and please help humankind, too.
Dear Universe, I feel blue, I feel sad, I feel too sensitive right now. I need to rant, to scream without sound, to listen to strong music and equally intense lyrics this morning.
My counselor repaired me yesterday. With cognitive behavioral therapy and acupuncture needles in my ears and forehead. So that I can cope another week, so that I can pick up the broken pieces of me and move on, so that I can regain strength to fight anxiety back to its corner.
I´m not alone in all this. I have my family and my friends close by, but sometimes they are too close. Meaning that speaking with my counselor is another conversation.
It is only a conversation, but this team know what they are doing. They are the people that pick up the phone, that get into a car and drive home to you, if you need help. It is free and for all in my county.
They show true commitment, their aim is to help you help yourself to feel better. And there are so many out there that need exactly that kind of help right now.
Therefore, I don´t mind waiting for a call or a text about the next move, the next meeting, the next challenge to conquer together.
Right now, my thoughts go to my friend. I have been there myself a couple of times in my life. When life hurt so much that it is a relief to go to the psychiatric hospital.
The last time for me was only three years ago. I cried all the way in a taxi cab, because I was too upset to drive myself. And I remember the driver was used to driving with people in distress.
I also remember the tremendous relief when they listened to me and asked me, if I wanted to stay for some time to get better. Yes was my immediate answer.
The weeks up to my hospital stay we first thought it was my heart that made me curl up on the couch, shaking all over my body, the heart pounding as were the Devil himself coming for me, and all the physical and psychological symptoms of anxiety in full bloom.
9 months before my beautiful old classic car was stolen and burnt to ashes. It sent me into a whirlwind of major anxiety attacks, a severe mania, and lots and lots of fights with my husband.
Then my father got cancer. Then this and that happened. And then my body, mind, and soul told me to get help. It is a special day when you decide it it time to take the first step and call for help.
Dear Universe, thank you for giving me a guardian angel in my life. I have been used to live on the edge of life for many years, yet I´m still here, as good as it gets.
Please send another to my dear friend and to everybody that need love and care in this new world order.
I know it is a lot to ask for, but the world needs assistance. Things are not looking fine, we humans have trouble understanding that social distancing, the use of rubbing alcohol, gloves and face mask, and the necessity of caring for each other is so vital now.
Many people in my country still believe that the reality of the world has not changed dramatically enough to listen and do what we are told to do. And the re-opening of society is therefore put on hold.
Next week I´m going to sew a few face masks, if the shit should hit the fan and we can´t get more due to hoarding and the price.
Today, I get by due to strong will, determination, and fighting spirit. By sitting in the garden, by writing, by helping where I can with what I have got to give to others.
Which is not at all enough, but I have to save some energy for myself. It is a tough struggle these days, it is an emotional roller coaster ride, it is an uphill tour de force.
So, dear Universe, bear over with me, listen to my plead, show me a sign of better times. Like a happy and sweet little, wise old dog in the garden in a few minutes from now.
