The last couple of months I have been counting days. Days with a positive outlook that is. I count because I know that living with generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety is filled with ups and downs.
Which would be okay most of the time, if my bipolar would work with and not against these anxiety friends that I have close to me whether I choose to accept or not.
It does some times. But typically, when the anxiety is worst, then I´m often in a terrible mood. Especially when in my depressive phase. The little anxiety attacks are annoying but something I can handle by myself.
The one that hit me tonight needs a lot of afterwork. My neighbors and friends for life helped me with a great talk over a fresh coffee. And now, an hour and a half later, I´m okay again.
Now, I´m able to relax and think about today. This morning I created a beautiful solitary ritual where I honored our ancestors and worked with healing intentions.
I managed to fight a bad shoulder and got the laundry inside, tomorrow I´ll put it in place and enjoy doing it in my wonderful house where I thrive more and more for every day.
And we had a great afternoon and early evening with our little rainbow family. The little home school runs again, this time we also discuss the situation of the world for a seven-year-old wants to know like the grown ups.
She went with me and the little wise, old dog into our local forest, and we enjoyed Nature for almost an hour with sunshine and a pleasant temperature. Fresh like Spring is supposed to be.
Tonight is the end of day one after a death in the family. Tears come easily, and everything will be okay some day, just don´t know when just yet. Knowing that it was peaceful is a major relief in all this.
So counting days are not unknown to me. I count the positive ones only, for clinging on to negativity doesn´t serve me anything at all. But I also count the special days that I´ll never forget. Yesterday and today are such days.
Tomorrow will be a busy day. Finishing the laundry, resetting my novel, and managing two important phone calls. First the one with my counselor who had something acute today, so we had to wait.
Then the mid-week call to my eighty-two year old father who until now has done everything possible to remain in good health.
I think I will able to begin writing for real now. I have a whole life of inspiration, I have fantastic surroundings and practical setting, and I know I can do it.
I keep track of my writing by adding a star to my physical calendar for every day without writing and a heart for every writing day. The star symbolizes hope in that my breaks often lead to better writing. And the heart symbolizes my love of writing.
And this special time in my life is so well suited to get some serious work done. It may take me longer than I have expected. But it will still be a fun and life-affirming journey that I simply can´t resist.
Counting days is also a releasing element in my many strategies toward my anxiety disorders. There is nothing more comfortable than being able to go through a day in the evening and find yet another positive one.
My husband is okay, however sad. He finds his peace of mind through living a simple, yet complicated life and gardening. I take great care in listening to what he wants. And I ask him what he needs.
I learned that from my grief process with my mother. It truly means a world of difference that other people and especially relatives do these two uncomplicated things for a loved one in grief.
Pick up the cell phone, call and ask what you can help with. Stand by your word when the day comes that you are so needed. Be present and take part in the process when you visit if that is possible, with all the necessary precautions of course.
Be prepared to hear and see it all. People all react differently. But be there, also if apparently no help is needed at first.
Grief is the price of love. But a price worth paying when we stop for a brief moment and think about all the gifts that love brings. Lasting memories and real time feelings.
I will end today´s diary entry counting my blessing and express my gratitude for the lessons given to me by life. And its counterpart, death. No life without death. No death without life.